Hi, so I've come to terms with my dp/dr and I have a good idea of what started it but my mind keeps coming up with new scary stuff and it's driving me nuts. I've had depersonalization and derealization for probably 2-4 weeks now.. I know from stories it can be long term as well but I keep coming back to "reality" every now and then so I'd like some advice on the recovery process and why I'm having these new thoughts
I'm sorry if I go too into detail with everything, I really need help and this site is the only thing keeping me sane, I've looked up stories and stories and finally decided to register here.
Let me start by saying how I think this started.
I've always had mild anxiety and I've never lost that much family, however I've held stuff in over the years, my brother and dad have been in and out of hard drugs it gets my anxiety going but I've always learned how to cope with it. I was the happiest person, very social, got along with everyone, im funny I'm confident my life was/ I hope still is great, nothing could tear me down. I've been fine up until a month ago.
My work has been scheduling me 6 days a week and being a server that's already stressful and they were pushing a lot of stuff on me, my brother got his jaw broken and got back into stuff, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, I lost my house because I was drinking every single night as I have been the past year or two with few days off in between, but when I'd stop for a week or two because of work I'd feel fine, no withdrawals just happy old me traveling to nature centers and waterfalls enjoying life laying on my hammocks and reading books, anyways I smoked marijuana sometimes but didn't really like to because of how much it made me think, well this festival was going on and I went there after all this stuff recently happened and decided it was a good idea to do acid, I've done it before but never when I had this much going on st once and it happened to be the first time visually intensely tripping, (I've only done it a few times before this) and I went into a bad trip which happened at night time I thought I died and everything until my brother met up with me and brought me out of it and Then once that trip started wearing off I stayed up for three days because I kept doing more, smoking and drinking. After that I went home and tried sleeping and had a terrible dream and woke up unable to move , I'm guessing it was a little episode of sleep paralysis or something but after that it hasn't happened again. The next few days I was fine and I felt like my normal self for a few weeks, went back to drinking every night and ended up dating this guy who I'm still with and everything was going wonderful then one night I snoked while I was drinking and went into deep deep thougjt and I still remember the moment I sent myself into dp/dr most previous moment feeling like I'm connected to everything. I didn't know what it was, it wasn't even that bad, I just felt anxiety come on and thought I had a head cold when I woke up the next morning, then as days went on I felt more wierd and I recognized that I was having anxiety so I looked up my symptoms and self diagnosed myself , that same night I woke up out of a dead sleep and I had the full blown 100% feeling of both depersonalization AND derealization , I didn't know what was going on and I called my mom and told her I was having bad thoughts about hurting myself because I couldn't handle the feeling. I went to the hospital and he diagnosed me with dp/dr and put me on gabapentin and upped my dosage on my limictal(bipolar medication) and the doctor told me I could only get better from there and that thought repeats in my head every single day.
The first few days after the hospital were terrible. I kept trying and trying to understand what was going on with me and I just couldn't. I cried at least 15 times a day broke down switching from my boyfriends to my moms, couldn't complete a full shift at work, every time I went outside I thought my brain was going to pop. My boyfriends been through it too so he literally drags me out of the room into the living room to hang out around people and socialize which does help but I have these helpless moments that I'm not going to get Better.
So this is what I'm seeing every time it comes on:
*fuzzyness like a tv screen / black dots gray dots in front of my eyes
* in my preferal vision it looks like the grass is moving or the fuzzyness is in the grass making it look like a ton of little bugs in there ( I'm not seeing the insects just fuzzy stuff in my oreferal vision again)
* it looks like I'm in a dream, my actual DREAMS feel more real than what I'm seeing and feeling.
* when I drive or do anything it's like I'm looking over the shoulder of someone else doing it..
* objects look closer than they are
* it's like I'm looking at everything through the camera on my phone..
And this is the most of my worries, my thoughts :
* feels like I'm going insane
* I fear that I'm going to start seeing and things that aren't there
* I fear I'm going to forget words, people, things
* I fear I'm going to die any minute
* when I'm happy while still in a dp/dr episode I feel like I'm in heaven or stuck in some dream
* I'm having thoughts about death, I tried closing my eyes to dream tonight and can only think of clowns, scary movies, incoherent people and ghosts, violence
* I keep realizing over and over again that I am alive and thinking " holy shit I'm a person this is life wow"
* I keep thinking that if I think I go crazy my minds powerful enough to make me crazy and forget the world..
* I keep thinking I must have died and I'm walking around waiting to go to heaven
* I keep thinking I'm stuck in a trip
All of these are very disturbing and I'm wondering if any one else thinks any of these thoughts too
I find it harder to cope with the dr/dp at nighttime and I'm not sure if I'm just traumatized from when I thought I died when I did acid or if it's just more intense/ or because I've always been scared to " die " at night time and I already am feeling this terrible.
BUT though those thoughts are going through my head tonight, the past few days I've been coming in and out of "reality" it might be the medicine kicking in but I've only been on it for one full week now so I know it's not at it's full effect but if I'm already coming back into reality.do I have hope I won't be like this much longer?? Are my thoughts normal for someone with dp/dr? What are some coping methods you use that makes you feel connected and what good things do you think about when you sleep? I feel like I can't think of anything good that I enjoy to get to bed because I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm so numb and sick of this .... I know that's a lot to take in , especially in one post, but someone PLEASE help me....