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I really need help

1686 Views 15 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Thatgirlbrooke
Hi, so I've come to terms with my dp/dr and I have a good idea of what started it but my mind keeps coming up with new scary stuff and it's driving me nuts. I've had depersonalization and derealization for probably 2-4 weeks now.. I know from stories it can be long term as well but I keep coming back to "reality" every now and then so I'd like some advice on the recovery process and why I'm having these new thoughts

I'm sorry if I go too into detail with everything, I really need help and this site is the only thing keeping me sane, I've looked up stories and stories and finally decided to register here.

Let me start by saying how I think this started.

I've always had mild anxiety and I've never lost that much family, however I've held stuff in over the years, my brother and dad have been in and out of hard drugs it gets my anxiety going but I've always learned how to cope with it. I was the happiest person, very social, got along with everyone, im funny I'm confident my life was/ I hope still is great, nothing could tear me down. I've been fine up until a month ago.
My work has been scheduling me 6 days a week and being a server that's already stressful and they were pushing a lot of stuff on me, my brother got his jaw broken and got back into stuff, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, I lost my house because I was drinking every single night as I have been the past year or two with few days off in between, but when I'd stop for a week or two because of work I'd feel fine, no withdrawals just happy old me traveling to nature centers and waterfalls enjoying life laying on my hammocks and reading books, anyways I smoked marijuana sometimes but didn't really like to because of how much it made me think, well this festival was going on and I went there after all this stuff recently happened and decided it was a good idea to do acid, I've done it before but never when I had this much going on st once and it happened to be the first time visually intensely tripping, (I've only done it a few times before this) and I went into a bad trip which happened at night time I thought I died and everything until my brother met up with me and brought me out of it and Then once that trip started wearing off I stayed up for three days because I kept doing more, smoking and drinking. After that I went home and tried sleeping and had a terrible dream and woke up unable to move , I'm guessing it was a little episode of sleep paralysis or something but after that it hasn't happened again. The next few days I was fine and I felt like my normal self for a few weeks, went back to drinking every night and ended up dating this guy who I'm still with and everything was going wonderful then one night I snoked while I was drinking and went into deep deep thougjt and I still remember the moment I sent myself into dp/dr most previous moment feeling like I'm connected to everything. I didn't know what it was, it wasn't even that bad, I just felt anxiety come on and thought I had a head cold when I woke up the next morning, then as days went on I felt more wierd and I recognized that I was having anxiety so I looked up my symptoms and self diagnosed myself , that same night I woke up out of a dead sleep and I had the full blown 100% feeling of both depersonalization AND derealization , I didn't know what was going on and I called my mom and told her I was having bad thoughts about hurting myself because I couldn't handle the feeling. I went to the hospital and he diagnosed me with dp/dr and put me on gabapentin and upped my dosage on my limictal(bipolar medication) and the doctor told me I could only get better from there and that thought repeats in my head every single day.

The first few days after the hospital were terrible. I kept trying and trying to understand what was going on with me and I just couldn't. I cried at least 15 times a day broke down switching from my boyfriends to my moms, couldn't complete a full shift at work, every time I went outside I thought my brain was going to pop. My boyfriends been through it too so he literally drags me out of the room into the living room to hang out around people and socialize which does help but I have these helpless moments that I'm not going to get Better.

So this is what I'm seeing every time it comes on:
*fuzzyness like a tv screen / black dots gray dots in front of my eyes

* in my preferal vision it looks like the grass is moving or the fuzzyness is in the grass making it look like a ton of little bugs in there ( I'm not seeing the insects just fuzzy stuff in my oreferal vision again)

* it looks like I'm in a dream, my actual DREAMS feel more real than what I'm seeing and feeling.

* when I drive or do anything it's like I'm looking over the shoulder of someone else doing it..

* objects look closer than they are

* it's like I'm looking at everything through the camera on my phone..

And this is the most of my worries, my thoughts :

* feels like I'm going insane

* I fear that I'm going to start seeing and things that aren't there

* I fear I'm going to forget words, people, things

* I fear I'm going to die any minute

* when I'm happy while still in a dp/dr episode I feel like I'm in heaven or stuck in some dream

* I'm having thoughts about death, I tried closing my eyes to dream tonight and can only think of clowns, scary movies, incoherent people and ghosts, violence

* I keep realizing over and over again that I am alive and thinking " holy shit I'm a person this is life wow"

* I keep thinking that if I think I go crazy my minds powerful enough to make me crazy and forget the world..

* I keep thinking I must have died and I'm walking around waiting to go to heaven

* I keep thinking I'm stuck in a trip

All of these are very disturbing and I'm wondering if any one else thinks any of these thoughts too

I find it harder to cope with the dr/dp at nighttime and I'm not sure if I'm just traumatized from when I thought I died when I did acid or if it's just more intense/ or because I've always been scared to " die " at night time and I already am feeling this terrible.

BUT though those thoughts are going through my head tonight, the past few days I've been coming in and out of "reality" it might be the medicine kicking in but I've only been on it for one full week now so I know it's not at it's full effect but if I'm already coming back into I have hope I won't be like this much longer?? Are my thoughts normal for someone with dp/dr? What are some coping methods you use that makes you feel connected and what good things do you think about when you sleep? I feel like I can't think of anything good that I enjoy to get to bed because I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm so numb and sick of this .... I know that's a lot to take in , especially in one post, but someone PLEASE help me....
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sorry if didn't get the whole story. It's long and in a block. But, from what i see it's a hard time, anxiety, anxiety + acid? correct me if i am wrong.

Your symptoms did not jump out at me at all just sounds like DP, no degree here. But i've had it all.

First i'll start with, I am sorry you are feeling this way. The vision is common and hopefully will fade in time. DP well, i dunno how long you have it, sorry if you said, all i can say in my experience is try 'holy grail of dp' or something of that affect in the search bar. That's the natural way, i see it as 50% hard work of killing anxiety and IMO and only my opinion it's 50% hard work, 50% finding a medication that works for you. Again this is just how I see it, it might fade in a few months and it won't matter what you do, I don't see much of a pattern, all I know from long term is it's 50% work on lowering anxiety and depression at least sometimes it seems that works 100%...... IDK how to answer you to be honest anymore, but personally i'd try that for a while and i think you need to do that to get medication to do the rest. A Tricyclic AD and Anti Psychotic low dose is very commonly used. Don't worry many other meds work here, it's a solid start for sure. I've researched the hell out of this and i've 30 combo's that have worked, so message me if you want but i'd start in that direction. Sounds like classic Dp. You'll find a way out, keep fighting.

Edit: how did i end up writing in caps *Fixed lol
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I have no idea how I ended up writing in caps. Embarrassing lol Holy Grail is a great thread, as I said, solid advice other than medication, which for me, was what helped as I said at least 50%, the others was lowering anxiety which is not an over night thing for sure and depression.

Distraction as mentioned above is so good, for feeling better, normal and not reinforcing anxiety. Many people asked how I did it (i don't get them OH i've DP thoughts anymor ). Well it wasn't easy but the best thing is to change what you are doing straight away, don't reinforce or sit and try and think your way out of it, it's a loop and it will keep playing if you keep the record going.

2 things I did. First because it took concentration I would put on Call Of Duty, you'll know that thing that is like automatic but looses you, for ME a movie had to much thinking time in it, but when it was really bad, I just got out of my house and walked to the shop, I actually bought dinner when I was bad with DP every day, never in advance, gave me a reason to get up and get out..Walks are great, also I found not shying away from things makes normal things... normal.

Medication advice is good, but for instance Zoloft wasn't for me, Mirtazapine was, with medication, give it time, there are a few solid types of combo's that help many, but individual medications vary for everyone... just a heads up. Forget about it and evaluate when it's either making things worse or has settled in (2/3 months). Two weeks is very early, so hard at this stage as not much anyone would have said to me would have been amazing apart from, you will get better and stop searching the ends of the internet, take it one step of a time and do your best to keep living, as all mentioned above.
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I've only been on them for a week and a day and I can't tell if they're making a difference or I'm just distracting myself because sometimes I feel normal and I'll be like oh my god I'm normal again! Snap. Instantly back into dp/dr . I'm easing into stuff, I was so scared of night time now I'm forcing myself to drive during the night, forcing myself to socialize, I plan on going back to work tomorrow but I'm going to be so anxious thinking that if I have another breakdown I'll get in trouble for not finishing my shift as they told me last time. I also feel like I can cope with it, I know it's always there, but, I'm ok with it, I accept it and think of it as a fun high or when my vision gets fuzzy I laugh at it . I'm not sure if it's ok to accept or do these things, or these are just signs of recovery.? And thank you for all the info I'm going to write those down and try walking and maybe going out to eat
6-8 Weeks they always say, took me 3 months till the medication I like worked (Mirtazapine) so yeah... too early.

Ease into stuff is solid. Facing fear and putting yourself into unnecessary panic is different things, I wouldn't stop doing normal stuff, just know sometimes when you need to take it easy. The start is up and down, well was for me. As for work, don't know what country you are in but depression and anxiety are solid reason to not be well... very misunderstood and I know how in the real world, people are not very understanding as they honestly have no idea what it is like unless they have the t shirt.

I agree with Ringonmoon, recovery is not measured in hours or days, it's actually easier to at the start simply cope, I know that sounds awful, i use to think it was rubbish, but by coping, you will lower anxiety and let go.

I think the best way to think of this of in terms of lowering and recovery, is like depression, you get treatment, you engage in what you can and you aren't ticking days of or thinking when is this going to end every day or checking in, slowly one day you see the light. I've been there before with depression, it's how many people with DP explain when they realised they were cured, you just realise one day.

It's like say watching your hair grow in the mirror all day.. or watching a sunflower grow, this comes to mind as I have one at the minute lol, if look at it every day and those things grow fast, it looks the same, if i forget about it and happen to see it after a period of time... you get what i am saying
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