[livinginhell333]

i officially pronounce myself dead. i have been dead for a while now. the worst thing about this is not to be able to feel love, the love for my mom, deep down inside i know i love her and i just don't feel it and its killing me and making me mad. i really do love her but i just don't feel it. i don't feel anything. i'm like a ghost and i want this nitemare to end

 

[Guest]

Livinghell,

I've read many of your posts and I think it would be important for you to seek immediate medical attention. You sound suicidal to me and you can be helped through that bump in the road if you tell someone who can help more than us on this board.

Trust me, talk to a doctor. If you're doctor doesn't listen, get another one. Get a second opinion. If you feel really down call 911.

This doesn't last forever. You have to tough it out but you can't do that alone.

Really, think about it.

Nancy

 

[person3]

you can't FORCE feelings, and i know you're mad.

have you examined whether you have anything about your mother that you resent or possibly HATE? (yes, it's ok to hate)

i struggled with this craziness when it first started for me, and i realized later on the people i was "numb" to were people i had deep seated resentments towards and was trying to "love" so I could CONTROL them...make them come back and stay around me and eventually NEED me...because i was upset that they didnt' NEED me before...make sense?

a lot of this stuff is not really a "disorder" it's just going down the wrong path in your head and not realizing the peripheral facts/info...not seeing the WHOLE picture. always look for the whole picture. it could save you a lot of hell.

people you love...look for any resentments/hates towards them...anything that they ask you to do or any time you bend your will to please them...anytime you feel like you "have" to do something for someone else...pay attention to these things...it can be your key out

i'm sorry you're milling this around in your head.

but i'm so glad to realize the simplicity of a lot of it. It won't go away immediately, it takes work. i'm still working. but i've realized and untangled many a thing. it's quite amazing actually.

it may not all make sense right away, but the trick is to keep your mind open to the other feelings in your head, not jsut the ones that you include in your pretty "picture" of reality

 

[livinginhell333]

no i have no resentment or hate towards my mom, i've always been close to her. its just hard not to be able to feel a hug. i actually just cried a little, which made me feel human. i was just getting a picture in my head of me hugging my whole family full of emotion and saying i love you to my mom, dad, bro, and sis, and just holding on to them tight and just thinking that made me cry. i cannot wait till that day where i can hug my own family and tell them i love them with a lot of emotion.

if i get out of this i am going to hug my mom every day and tell her i love her. i have resentment hate towards my brother but i still want to give him a big hug and tell him i love him and actually feel it. it hurts not to be able to do that now. i should have done it b4. all i want is to love music again, basketball, and most of all have the love for my family. i just keep thinking about my mom all the time now and how i wish i wasn't like this.

 

[livinginhell333]

o and i'm not suicidal i believe in god and know that i would go to hell if i did that. there has to be a way out of this. to actually feel when i'm hugging someone. not just emotionally, but physically as well. and i want a hug to feel good like it used to.

 

[agentcooper]

whether or not you are suicidal, you would still benefit from seeking help from a professional. i agree with n, you need more help than the people on this board can give you. if you have already gotten help, and are just venting, i hope we can be a support. but you need to get that help, as well.

 

[livinginhell333]

i have been getting help and talking to people. i know this will have to go away its just taking a while. i really want to hug my family and love them and feel it. it hurts not too. i'm supposedly seeing one of the best p docs in my city and i will be doing an outpatient program, where i just talk to people. i really want this to end, and this should not have happended to me, but i guess i gotta wait it out as much as i don't want to.