[esroh]

Hello,

im not exactly new here but i need some opinions on my situation, its quite complicated and chotic.

First off, ive had DR(dreamy 2d feeling) for over 10 years as a result of my family situation.Im 22 now.

Its never been that big of an issue, most of the time it was totally in the background and i didnt even give a shit.

Now over the years had about 10 or more imagined illnesses/fears.

Like once or twice a year i would worry about something completely absurd to the point where it became incredibly real and threw me into deep despair.

In retrospect it was all ridiculous nonsense but at the time it totally consumed my life.

About 10 months ago i had another one of these absurd fears.It was the idea that "everything is essentially meaningless".

It completely fucked my life, i had to project it on anything and everything.I would even devalue the taste of food and stuff like that.It threw me into extreme anxiety.

Then suddenly the thought changed to " there is no free will".

Now i was at the gym lifting weights and my mind said" youre not lifting this, its happening automatically etc. etc." Again totally fucked me up.

And heres the crazy part:

My next fear was " what if i develop depersonalization" (which didnt have at the time at all and had never experienced before)

It was just another one of these intrusive ideas that i couldnt get rid of.

Now i started overmonitoring myself for symptoms, do my movements feel normal? etc...

I was at the gym and compusively dissociating from my lifting experience.So i tried to look at my arms as separate entities and so they appeared as such.

Over the next month i dug myself into this dp hole.I had a lot of anxiety and worked myself into it.

Now 8 month later im stuck in dp.

And heres my problem: I dont know if its purely obsession or if there are and deeper issues behind it.

I mean i got it by obsession in the first place but what if i just kickstarted it and there is actually more to its persistance?

There are arguments for both:

the physical dp that i created at the start in the gym is totally gone, since i dont think about it. Over time i got afraid of new symptoms( like " im observing myself") they stuck around as long as i was obsessing and fucked of as soon as i switched to another symptom.

I dont feel numb at all and all my physical dp symptoms disappear completly when im not obsessing over them.

BUT the one that im totally stuck with is feeling like i dont exist, like i have no self.

Now, is that because im not just making it up or is it because its by far the scariest one that im pretty much aware of 24/7 ? I dont know.

That being said, ive had moments in the last weeks where i felt my self coming back for a few minutes, which leads me to believe that maybe its just obsession.

But then again ive had DR for so long and ive definitely had some issues before all of this. But i also know how my imagination can make things extremely real, as ive experienced it many times.

Im totally hyperaware of myself and my existence.My sense of self got shattered one and now i cant stop picking at it.Im constantly looking for thsi "self" alllll the time and in doing so i just fragment myself.

So im just totally confused if this is all made up by myself or if there are deeper problems behind it...and i constantly hover between the two.When i feel better im like" heey its all just obsession" then "oh fuck its all in my past and i see tons of underlying problems"

I just cannot trust myself....what do you think? I know its a mess^^ thx

 

[Wendy]

And heres my problem: I dont know if its purely obsession or if there are and deeper issues behind it.

Your obsession is co-morbid with anxiety.

If you're not dealing with your anxiety properly and you latch onto these ideas in your head, your mind will create these symptoms for you. This is partly the reason why anxiety is such an awful illness for most - you can unconsciously create these ailments for yourself, especially depersonalization. So, to answer your question: it's a bit of both. Your obsession drove you into this hole, but the deeper issue is clearly anxiety, given that you state you've had derealization for over ten years - and from past issues, no less.

Have you considered seeing a psychologist for this? Perhaps battling the root of your anxiety could drastically improve the conditions of your unreality.