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I need advice on how to cope

294 Views 1 Reply 2 Participants Last post by  Weirdo25
Hi everyone. Im writing because I desperately need advice.

A few years ago, I met a girl and it was alright for the first few weeks. But as the relationship developed, I started to get more panicky and wanted out as in my mind she had a lot of traits that resembled my mother, who was very controlling towards me and emotionally abusive. So in my head, I was back in childhood patterns and couldn't really tell reality apart.

I eventually ended it after a year, falling more and more into depression and a sense like I've lost control completely.

I did not mourn or processes what happened because I simply dident know how. Everytime I thought of her it made me angry so I just pushed it down.

Fast forward to today, I took a impulsive decision and ended up moving back home with my parents. And the same feeling that I had the whole year with the girl I was seeing just blew up and now I'm constantly in that state.

I'm feeling panicky and trapped in myself and it feels like what I want to say doesn't really add up with what I say. Like there's a disconnect, like I don't have a free will of what I want to do or how to express myself.

I've probably been in depersonalization my whole life but I'm so unsure as this state is so normal to me I don't even know whats normal or what's real anymore.
My being or this feeling inside of me is telling me to run away from my parents, to move somewhere else as its triggering for me here. I understand while writing that its my attachment patterns firing up, wanting to run away like I did with the girl I was seeing. But I'm starting to actually wonder if its better to stay or leave?

I just don't know what to do, I've fallen so hard into depression that I can't think whole sentences or complete and stick with activities. Whenever I try to sleep, I try to count down from 200 but whenever I reach 190, my mind just goes somewhere else and I can't remember where I was or that I was counting.

I also have very vivid mental images in my mind like im in some sort of fever dream whenever I try to lay down. I'm guessing its due to all the stress.

What do you make up of all of this?
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