[jc]

well what can i say...yes folks as most of you know i live with my mum and dad,and yes im too shit scared or rather skint to do anything about it...
now i had a little problem with drink a while back,the story as follows....i was left on my own for a week with no money and drank lots and lots of wine and made myself ill...it was out of complete lonliness and the fear of panic and my own little silly thoughts....that was a while back and i stopped drinking for 2 months and now to regain some sort of normality ive got myself a partime job working as a kitchen hand at the local mental health resource centre (paid)..
but having said that ive formulated some sort of normal routine,i will walk to my local pub i will sit with the old boys,i will read the paper drink my 2 pints of beer and walk home....
but what i get in return is threats of being thrown out of the house,i cant play music because i fear this is going to get my mum on her soap box,i cant talk to my parents because i am seen as the devil,and i am often asked why im not eating,i wont tell them the real reason im not eating is for the fact that im too scared of confrontation...i sit in this room and am basically a slave to the mothership or rather she who must be obeyed...they do not realise that i frequent the pub to 'talk' and to 'interact' ...
im gonna go bonkers i just know it

 

[agentcooper]

it sounds like you would be less scared and much happier if you just moved to a really cheap apartment...why don't you do that? sometimes you can find people who are just renting out rooms in their house. that might be a cheaper alternative...

i know i certainly couldn't handle living with my parents again. i had to move back in with them for a little while a year ago and i had a hard time even though they really tried to be good about not bossing me around.

 

[Guest]

Sounds like hell. You're not doing yourself any favours by staying there, that's for sure.

 

[jc]

at the moment downstairs theyve removed my usual chair and turned the tv around so there is no room for me to sit downstairs with them

 

[terri*]

Holy Sh$t, JC, they seem to really have the red a$$ and are playing real hard ball. Have they given you any suggestions as to what it would take to improve your relationship with them besides becoming an ordained priest? Have they said they have just had it up to here with you? Have your siblings offered any advice or help?

I don't know how you can move out and make any kind of rent on that part time job.

 

[Guest]

at the moment downstairs theyve removed my usual chair and turned the tv around so there is no room for me to sit downstairs with them

Seriously what the hell is wrong with your parents?

 

[dakotajo]

Its called tough love, and I can understand their actions. Your a grown man and you need to get out on your own, one way or another.

 

[Guest]

jc, aren't you like 35?

 

[jc]

yeh im like 35 and on benefit

 

[jc]

Its called tough love, and I can understand their actions. Your a grown man and you need to get out on your own, one way or another.

this is true but not forgetting that i was politely asked to give up my job and my rented flat to move back home while my dad was in hospital....i dont think its very fair for them to say 'well thanks for doing all the work on the house,thanks for acting as our taxi driver,now piss off'

 

[enngirl5]

I agree, at least start looking for rooms or apartments online or ride around and look at them. I think this small step will make you feel better.

 

[g-funk]

Hi jc, long time no speak :wink:

I think, that if you can in any way, move out. It's one of those things, (of which I can totally relate to), that other people seem to deal with just as part of life. It's so frustrating and degrading, a phobia or restriction caused by dp makes us feel even more self conscious. But you've got to do it.

It's so easy for me and everyone else to say it, since we aren't going through the pain or fear that imposes these restrictions on you, but it is also easy to say because from an outsider point of view, you see the whole picture, as opposed to being totally immersed up to your eyeballs.

I'm being a total hippocrite because there is something I really have to do this week that I don't want to do and thinking of ways to escape. I'm thinking about how it will make me feel, but I know deep down that I am not only holding myself back, but actually setting myself back. I am only giving myself temporary relief from my pain, pain that could only go away if I invest long term determination to break through my barriers.

I've been a bit down recently and read your post and it reminded me of a couple of my own thoughts, so thought I would just say what's helped me.

Gx

 

[jc]

hi gaenor
i think we all have our fears,and something that someone else suffers from that i dont suffer from is hard for me to contemplate...my neighbour for example is a massive anxiety sufferer yet he loves being on his own...now for me being on my own with dp = lots of thinking time...which i hate,also my anxiety restricts me in various different areas of my life,i dont know what to do i just feel so caged in all of the time and its causing my paronoia to rise,but people will keep telling me i worry too much

 

[g-funk]

well figure this one out - certain times of the day I prefer to be alone, others I need people for distraction. sometimes its so habitual it's to the minute

 

[Guest]

I can see both sides to this problem.
I don't know your parents but it's very likely that they simply can't understand why you don't move out and live like other blokes.
Let's face it until somebody has themselves experienced this crap it's near impossible to grasp.

When My adult kids have lived with me.I have to admit sometimes when I felt stressed I asked myself are they an asset or a liability?Well most times(not always),the answer was absolutely a liability.
I love them and love to help them in times of need.
Sometimes as a parent you can feel like you've done your bit and now its time for everyone to move on.
It's a two way street,they have felt at times resentful about living in my house with my conditions and I perfectly understand this.

Is it possible for you to see it from their perspective?Often times when children are grown,parents want to be empty nesters.They want to do as they please and not feel obligated any more.
There is nothing wrong with this,its perfectly normal.They are not bad parents.
Perhaps at times they are insensitive.
I have a hunch that your parents feel as frustrated as you do about the situation.

The fear of moving out seems enormous.It also seems it might be your only reasonable solution.I'm sure you would prefer to have more freedom.With freedom comes a price............it's called lack of security.It's a trade off we all make in our lives.

You can always share with somebody else so you don't have to be alone all of the time.
No solution will give you the lack of fear you desire.
Perhaps you might gain other benefits,like not having to dance to your mother's tune.
Why not ask if you can keep your room there for awile until you get settled and adjust to your new situation?When life is tough,spend a few nights back home.
This way you might find they miss you and its much easier for all of you.

Jc what are your realistic options here?stay or go or put up with......not too different from thousands of people.

I suggest you get some professional support to help you move out.
Put a time on it,make small steps and take it as AA suggests one day at a time.

All the best Shelly

 

[jc]

good advice shelly thanks
the thing is i thought i was doing so well,my drinking is under control and has been now for a few months,sure i get a little merry but i stop wheras before i didnt know my limitations(and i only drink twice a week)...
all i did was simply go to the pub on a sunday and watch what for me was a very important game in which my home football team got beat and relegated...i was a little peeved but i still came home smiling and then it was stern looks as if to suggest i stay in like a lap dog...i have to do something soon because my anxiety is at horrendous levels,but having said that ! i need need so desperatley to break the habit of a lifetime and STOP WORRYING

 

[jc]

just an update
after work today i brought all of the local newspapers and have been intouch with the letting agencys to see if they will accept payment from the d.h.s.s

 

[g-funk]

cool! keep us updated!
shit, that means I HAVE to do that thing I didnt want to do this week cos I have to practice what I preach

 

[person3]

I think we should all do something we don't want to do, once a day. And something we DO want to do, once a day. and something totally new if possible, a couple times a week. Maybe we can make a thread on it.

 

[Martinelv]

Jc - I am in a slighly different situation to you...you'res sounds terrible.

I've been living with my parents for a year now...and while they DO make me feel very welcome, feed me, do my washing and stuff, lend my money to get to work (I'm skint), they do belittle my anxiety and depression and the ocassional days when I can't bare to get out of bed she reacts with anger. She doesn't understand how bad I feet...and that's not including guilt at having to living there...I'm a burden, even if she doesn't admit it. It's like Joe said, it can be tough love. I know my mother adores me, and the times that I've tried to do myself in, she was distraught....but I think my constact f.u.c.k.i.ng up is starting to take it's toll. And I don't blame her...she's 59 years old ! My mother has always been there for me....always, so perhaps it's payback time for me. All she wants is for me to be happy, at peace, back to the way I was in Cambridge. I'll try my best. I will not give it to the way I feel. I virtually barracade myself in my room at home - so to give them time together without me moping about. I don't even eat their food - although they keep going on at me about it. I'm going to the council offices today to see if I can get a flat....it's fair for both of us.

It sounds to me that my parents don't understand the magnitute of your illness. What I used to do was take my parents with me to my 'therapy' sessions and emergency visits to the doctors...sometimes that helps. Gives them a little insight.

Im a 33 year old semi-intelligent divorcee, it's ridiculous. I must sort myself out....PRONTO (as they say in Itally). I've been wallowing my own misery for too long. There is a life out there if I have enough strength and courage. I hope I have some left.

Incidently - commiserations about Reading losing in the Play-offs. To be honest though, they never looked like winning did they.