I just don't understand!!!

I'm having a really rough time, in part because since going back on my meds (3 weeks and counting), I've had good days and bad days, and when the bad days hit (which have been about 4 days in a row now), they make me question the good ones. I should know that the constant bizarre thoughts running a mile a minute in my head is anxiety, but why do I let it bother me so much that I break down crying and wonder if just dying would be better. I always preface something like that with "I'm not suicidal, but the thought popped into my head. I'd never act on it."

But what if I just lose it- just completely lose it and go bat-sh!t insane? Why do I question my life when I'm hypervigilant about it and then moments later be fine? Is my "reality" the spacey one that scares me so and the life that I thought was real was just so busy and distracting because I didn't want to face the true reality? I don't want to go crazy. I don't want to die. I just want to get back to being myself again.

Just spewing- and this is the only place where I can freely spill it all. I have a sneaking suspicion part of my relapse is due to the stress of thinking about finally quitting a job I've had for five years with nothing else lined up and wrestling with what I should really do, but I just need a little help getting through this. Luckily I go back to the psych on Monday afternoon- hopefully I'll feel a little bit better after that. Just need some encouraging words and thoughts sent my way.