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ive had dp for about 2 years and 4-5 months now, about a year ago, and maybe a little more

i had a day

were i was completely normal

it was crazy..

i was completely dp'd that whole beginning of the day

what happend was

i went to go play some basketball before i went to work

as i was shooting hoops, like 5-10 minutes into it

some PE teacher came onto the court and was setting stuff up (i played at a highschool, i guess this was like a after school program he was setting up or something)

anyways

i was thinking, even tho i was super anxious. i was like

maybe ill take a step in beating this dp and ask the guy if he wants to play basketball

well the dude turned me down

i think it was cus i seemed very nervous

but i just played it off

anyways

i went back to shooting hoops

and sounds use to bug the shit out of me

so what i did was

i counted to 1 to 100 over and over again to distract myself

and since ive gotten dp

my basketball game has kinda sucked

like shooting the ball doesnt feel right

anyways

after counting to 1 hundred for like an hour

like all of a sudden i felt my shot come back

it was like old times

i literally made it like 10 times in a row

and i kept going and going

and i felt super good and was like, yes my shot is back

so after being happy and just shooting the ball and just making it over and over again

i think at this time i stopped counting to 100

but anyways

i felt super good

then my alarm went off saying i have to get ready for work

so walking back home, is like a 15 minute walking

i dont know man

i felt really good

and before i left the court

i spiked the ball

like yeah i just kicked some ass

and me thinking the PE teacher was watching me make like 30 buckets in a row

i just felt badass haha

but anyways

i say anyways a lot

but anyways

walking home

i just felt like almost normal?

and i just remembered this now

i remember walking home and was like thinking to myself saying

hey, remember u have dp, dont u remember the weird feeling?

and it was crazy, it was like that thought lasted a second and the good feeling just kept over taking and was like ahh forget that lets keep on going

and then i was like alright cool, it was like my inner self was some how just rejecting dp, it was crazy

so walking home i go inside, i just had my earphones on, didnt talk to anyone at my house

went to work

didnt really talk to anyone at work, i was just like chillin

cus ive been making big scenes at work at the time and just wanted to lay low

not be like, hey im back to normal

i just kinda put my head down and worked

but i felt really good and felt like my old self or like myself

anyways

after work i went to my ex girlfriends house

had 1 of the best days in my entire life

we went to walmart and it was fun as fuck

i was cracking jokes again

i was saying old shit that i use to say

my old self was just popping back up in my head

it was so weird but cool..

anyways

i felt like god was giving me another shot

and i broke up with this girl cus i felt like i didnt really love her

but she wanted to help me thru this dp and i was like, if a girl like this wants to be by my side, thru this hell

she has to be my girl

anyways

we had an amazing day

but towards the end of the night

i kinda treated her like shit

and its really sad

i didnt treat her like shit shit, if i remembered

but i kinda stopped feeling attractive towards her..

and the night kinda ended bad between us

anyways i went home that night

still feeling like my old self

then went to bed

then bam

woke up the next morning

and i heard my brother slamming shit, and at the time

i was so paranoid, i always thought people being mad or slamming shit was my fault for some crazy reason

anyways i woke up to my brother doing that

and i guess it triggered it all over again

and my normalcy was lost

i swear to god i wish i could go back to that day and u know, be nicer to my girl at the time

and also tell myself in the morning that my brother slamming shit isnt my fault

i was so close out of dp..

idk how i did it man..

idk about u guys

but i remember before this stuff

when people use to talk to me

it was like just thoughts popped up in my head and i would just say that

or i could really give a heart felt answer

like i always wanted to talk from my heart

like everything i said i tried to by true to myself

kinda like my first day with dp when i knew something was wrong

my dad was talking to me

and i was just listening and waiting for a feeling on what to say or have something pop up in my head

but nothing

i didnt panic i just kept walking

then he said something again and i like blurted out something

but still didnt panic

like the next 5 days i was just waiting to feel on something to say or have something pop up in my head

but nothing

that day i was cured, that feeling and thoughts popped up back in my head

what do u guys think how that happend?

i sometimes play basketball again in hoping for the same miracle

i think 2marro im just gonna count to 1 hundred a million times while playing basketball hoping for a miracle

i guess ill keep doing that til something happens..

idk man

what do u guys think?

do u guys feel what im saying?

am i the only 1 who would like feel when i talked? or have shit pop up in my head then say it?

is that how everyone talks now?

now i just talk and cant think, u know they say think before u talk

well i camt

i just try to conversate

and sometimes i feel like i come off as fake

but im just trying to talk man..

anyways

if u read this book

thanks

hopefully someone can give me some insight

bless u all
 

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I quite liked the counting thing, what gave you the idea? Maybe it helped gather your mind. That's happened to me when I've done this meditation where I imagine a dot or a circle for as long as I can. The mists cleared and I felt really focused.
 

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I quite liked the counting thing, what gave you the idea? Maybe it helped gather your mind. That's happened to me when I've done this meditation where I imagine a dot or a circle for as long as I can. The mists cleared and I felt really focused.
U know I can't really remember, well I think I do remember, I use to constantly panic or every little thing, like I would trick my mind, like if I did this, this would happen, and I would hear loud sounds and just have crazy ass anxiety
I started the counting thing at my job
Working in s restaurant, u always hear plates clashing and things slamming, it was truly hectic
And the only escape I had was just to force myself to think
I think maybe I sang the abc's in my head a lot, then thought like counting to 100 would be easier
I don't know man, I use to do the craziest things..
it's crazy how far I've came, even tho I feel like I'm so far away
Like I was so scared of the world, I'd be just sitting in my room and every noise would just terrify me, I couldn't get any peace
It was literally hell
But then I took a Xanax and like that 1 time it helped so much
The sounds weren't bugging me as much
Idk my anxiety was at such an all time high for so long, the Xanax kinda brought me down a little
 

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that's great, sounds like you were able to get into the present moment while playing basketball and that carried you through the rest of the day.

i don't see that working again, you'll be too fixated on this specific thing (counting while playing basketball) getting you out of dp. i think the fact that you were doing this new thing helped to pull you into the present. maybe try doing something new every day. i think routine can keep us locked in dp.

yeah, i know what you mean. i don't know what people on here think of automatic writing (just holding a pen on paper and allowing your subconscious to write - it can be a little scary because you'll often write things you don't want to hear), but i've been doing a lot of automatic writing lately to try to get in touch with my true self, and it writes "you must heal your heart" a lot. it tells me i'm not acting like myself. i get really scared of telling people what's really "on my heart," though, because i don't feel like i really have anyone who gives a shit. it's nice that your ex seems to care about your dp, try to keep her in your life if you can (if you think you guys have a healthy friendship).
I think that can be such a common factor with dissociation; feeling you can't be, or it's not safe to be your authentic self.

Not tried automatic writing, I think I would think I was doing it consciously? That's a profound message you received :)
 
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