Depersonalization Support Forum banner

i had dp/dr for 5 years now, 3 years ago was the only time i snapped out to reality but only for a while this is how it happened..

751 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Purplearyes
at that time i was at the worst period of my life, there was an incident where i fucked up and members of my family were shouting at my face (long story) because of a mistake i did and at that time i was suicidal, depressed, lost all hope, was waiting for them to finish shouting so i go end it all, i said fuck it and told them about my dp/dr and how its so hard for me to do things and and told them that i am not feeling real, i was in the worst stress i ever had, a family member who was skeptic about what I'm saying told me you are real, you are here with us, and just like that i snapped back to reality, i will never forget how good it felt to recognize everyone's face, it was blurry though like seeing too many colored drops like when you scratch your eyes, but i could feel myself and my surroundings and all my worries were gone, i felt like dp is a joke and why was it so hard for me to snap back, i prayed that night that when i wake up il stay connected again but unfortunately it did not last and dp came back to hunt me, that was the last time i felt real and i still cant explain it, was it the crazy stress i was going through or was is my cousin who told me that im real and my brain somehow got justification that i exist and turned it to reality.. any explanation would be helpful or something similar, thank you for reading and stay strong.
  • Like
Reactions: 2
1 - 2 of 7 Posts
thank you for your reply, i think its true what you said that i felt like i belonged, maybe all i want is to be accepted by people around me, im not around toxic people anymore, and i try to be happy as much as i can and work on my self, thank you truly.
It's really weird how DPDR works. I have had a couple experiences where it was gone for a fraction of a second. Or once I tried a little perception/attention exercise that helped me a lot for a week, and then it didn't work ever again.
We are different every day and the same thing can produce different results for me. But I don't believe we can know all the parameters or all the reasons for why things work a certain way, but my impression so far is that sometimes, just a shift in how I view DPDR can make a difference (like learning for the first time what DPDR was reduced my DPDR temporarily after years of symptoms, or I believe accepting it might also make a difference) but I believe that if it is temporary, it means it is likely that there is some underlying mechanism that makes DPDR too hard to avoid for my mind right now.
One thing I am exploring now and that seems to help me, is the fact that I have a weak direct relationship with myself, to put it shortly, I kind of don't "validate myself" on my own, and this is my normal, this is how I am and relate normally with myself. So instead I do it mentally by thinking as if I was talking to someone, so I imagine social inteeractions that in turn feed this self. I constantly think through imaginary conversations with people. And i believe those compulsive thoughts are so numerous and intense (because my mind really needs them for validation) that they make me lose contact with the world and take the foreground of my mind, and maybe this causes/facilitiates DPDR for me.
Once I managed to stop these compulsive thoughts for a fraction of a second and DPDR stopped for a fraction of a second, but it came back right after, because those thoughts were impossible to stop for very long. That need for validation is a healthy and vital one I believe, just it couldn't come from a regular source. Also this trick didn't work ever after.
So if this is how it all works for me, it means there is a whole chain of mechanisms that lead to DPDR and none of them can easily be broken if the previous one has not been addressed. Perhaps one time during the year I can find some way to cut through DPDR through brute force, and this is kind of what my first little perception exercise was about, and it worked, but it feels like it is just a little temporary relapse in an ocean of something else that cannot be ignored for too long and that has a meaning. (This kind of weak self I have, I believe, is connected to what I wrote in another post ).
Concrete daily life steps are helping me now with this relationship with myself, and only now I feel that some of the links in this chain of mechanisms are becoming weaker, and only now I can deal with obsessions or even DPDR itself in a more frontal way that was not possible before.
So this is just what I think for myself. If anything similar happens for someone else, it might be a different chain of mechanisms, I don't know. Perhaps stress can cause this directly for people, or just pure OCD, or depression, I don't know. In which case for many people it would be very different from what I am talkng about. I like to read other people's stories and I can pick some things in them but for myself I believe it is a quite personal journey.

(note: for anyone reading this, I am just sharing how this is going on for me in case if it is useful for anyone, but I am not looking for advice about this and would prefer not to get any. Also I am not short of ideas about this story for now. But if anything you have lived resonnates with this I would be happy to hear your story and what you think of your own story)
Thank you for sharing, I think everyone deals with this disorder differently.
  • Like
Reactions: 1
1 - 2 of 7 Posts