[Guest]

I remember when I started my (group) therapy about 13 months ago, I was able to feel love, to quite a great extent and know this was something that would get me through this therapy.
Today however, and this has been going on for a longer time I realize, I feel that my ability to love is gone/my feelings of love are gone.
I dont feel love about anything anymore. I feel indifferent, numb, careless, angry, grieving. I feel more and more that Ive basically given up hope, to a better life, to recovering.
In one way, the indifference feels good, because I dont feel anxiety.
But I cant feel love anymore either.
And when I love, I cant trust it, and experience the futility of my love.
Its there, and then I know it will be gone, so who cares to love.
How can I trust love?

I have thought that because therapy is a healing process, Im in the phase of working through anger and pain, so its logical I cannot experience love with all these emotions stirring around in me. But then I think, where did my love go? And my joy? Or maybe I feel something that resembles love, but actually isnt. My heart is closed.

By nature Im a loving, caring and giving person, but lately, Ive come to hate myself, wanting noone near, wanting to destroy, and I start hating more. Withdrawing myself from people, dont wanna talk to anyone etc. Thats not me. It scares me.
A possible explanation is that Im getting to the core of my trauma's and thats why I can only feel bad. It worries me.

Im gonna quit therapy anyway, since its shown its better for me to go individual therapy and to a group for Complex PTSD once a week.

I also realized yesterday that I have never felt loved by my mother.
Maybe she did love me, but I never FELT it. Thats a huge realization.

Anyway, Im rambling. I dont really have a point to make. Just wanted to write it down. Usually this helps me to see new things about certain problems.
Can you guys here experience/feel love?

Wendy

 

[Guest]

Its part of the process of healing and moving on, some people get stuck in their anger and hate for life. Try your best not to be angry at life, it only makes things worst. You are focusing too much onto your disorder when you should be focusing towards getting out of the hole your stuck in. I know how the past can seem so sweet compared to the present and you look back and become sad and angry at what you have become. Anger and sadness are not gonna help. You have to be stronger than those emotions.

 

[livinginhell333]

yea i don't feel love anymore either about anything like music, sports, i don't care as much about my family and friends, although i know deep inside i love my family and they love me i don't feel it, because it feels as if i'm stuck in this nightmare and i'm really not here. like you i don't feel the anxiety as well, just pretty emotionless most of the time and when i show emotions there not real emotions. i'm faking it.

 

[JAG]

I'm sure if you think about it rationally you have had moments of feeling love and other moments when you couldn't feel love. That's the way life is.

 

[berlin]

I don't know JAG, Ive never experienced life so rationaly, objectively as I do now and from this emotionless and clinical standpoint I can say love is very limited.
I don't 'feel' for my children what I once did for a pet. Im aware that deep down I love them more than life -but I dont experience it. Love will be the driving force of my care for them, I act lovingly and appropriately but I can't access this grandest of emotions. I never grow tired of telling them I love them, I want to make sure they 'feel' it, but like much else Im just enough removed to not connect.
All others are surplus to give and recieve from. My relationship has suffered. But I keep trying, straining for the slightest warmth as I watch my boys play, appreciating how wonderous it would be involved more in their lives.
Wendy, I think perhaps it hurts too much to feel? What do you think?

 

[DM]

Ah - jij hebt eindelijk durven loslaten.

De definitie die jij ooit had van liefde, en de regels en voorkeuren, die zijn nu even helemaal weg.

De stoel die je hebt leren waarderen is niet dat wat je normaliter mooi zou hebben gevonden. Welke stoel je echt mooi vind - hoor het graag ;-)

Gebruik deze leegte om deze in te vullen met jouw klanken en kleuren.

 

[Guest]

Des, het voelt inderdaad als leegte, maar het voelt erg kut.
Ik begrijp wat je bedoeld met wat je zegt in je post, maar het lukt me niet de link te leggen naar mijn situatie.

Ik begrijp verstandelijk dat je in leegte alles kunt creeren.
Hoe zie jij dit in mijn post?

Zo leuk he, gewoon lekker ons eigen taaltje spreken hier, h??rlijk. :wink:

*************************************************************
Sorry guys for the dutch, but we like it this way, its fun.
Will reply more this weekend. Thanks for the posts! 8)

 

[bat]

hi berlin

you said maybe it hurts too much to feel. it really does for me. even when in chronic states of dp my emotions of love are unbearable- like when in 'ordinary' times i loved music that was 'bitter sweet' i find the pathos of love really hard. i still find it really hard to answer the phone to my family but am caught in a kind of constant grief feeling about them. i don't know the answer to this, but maybe you're right and there is a cut off point

 

[person3]

des can you say that in english? i want to know and i'm sure it could help me...i see where wendy is at

 

[Guest]

Ik kan het grootste deel begrijpen, zo zorgvuldig zijn wat u opzet.
Een moderator houdt horloge :wink:

It's really a pretty easy language to read. Just think of talking in German......maybe while eating spaghetti. Oh, and add lots of extra "z"s.

I will let Des do his own translating though.........

 

[enigma]

Ik kan het grootste deel begrijpen, zo zorgvuldig zijn wat u opzet.
Een moderator houdt horloge :wink:

It's really a pretty easy language to read. Just think of talking in German......maybe while eating spaghetti. Oh, and add lots of extra "z"s.

I will let Des do his own translating though.........

Вы не можете держать вахту на нас русские!

 

[Guest]

Ik kan het grootste deel begrijpen, zo zorgvuldig zijn wat u opzet.
Een moderator houdt horloge :wink:

It's really a pretty easy language to read. Just think of talking in German......maybe while eating spaghetti. Oh, and add lots of extra "z"s.

I will let Des do his own translating though.........

Вы не можете держать вахту на нас русские!

your russian ? im russian

 

[enigma]

your russian ? im russian

Вы были рождены там.

Я буду американским (только мной полюбите русского).

e

 

[enigma]

(только мной полюбите русского).

Actually, I'm not sure that last part may've meant what I thought it did,lol!

Oh well. :roll:

e

 

[enigma]

And Wendy, I'm not making light here.

I fully empathize with what you're saying.

Though it's kind of hard for me to think about feeling love when I've been an emotional 'flatliner' for as far back as I can remember.

Just keep in mind that you will see better days.

Stay strong.

e

 

[Guest]

ya ne panemayu teba, thi naverni chohniti!

 

[enigma]

ya ne panemayu teba,

"I don't understand you" (?)

thi naverni chohniti!

Total blank. (Not something about a doomsday machine, is it?)

e

 

[enigma]

BTW, did you leave there before or after the Soviet Union collapsed?

e

 

[Guest]

after of course

 

[enigma]

Okay.

My Russian stinks btw (so pay it no mind,lol!).

e