For your own betterment I want to tell you what you're saying is kind of crazy but not in a commit yourself to the hospital type of way. While I agree with your sentiment that it might be nice to have an ideal brain that doesn't malfunction, I have to disagree that your brain has a secret subconscious that wants to destroy you, or that it can it deprive you of agency by forcing you to self-harm. Without getting into a long debate about determinism, you can stop self harming for the rest of your life right now. It sounds like you've fallen into the philosophy rabbit hole with no guide and are failing to question your own assumptions. The goal should be to come out of the rabbit hole and regain some control of your behavior. Depersonalization, addiction, anxiety, and so forth can erode our ability to regulate our actions. Lower faculties start to dominate higher ones in a state of fear. The enemy isn't our brain, rather it's the dysfunction that sets in, and we have to take control back from said dysfunction.
You asked if you're in a constant episode and if your extensive thinking is a product of your condition. I think the answer to both of these questions is yes, and this is common among people with depersonalization.
You asked if you're in a constant episode and if your extensive thinking is a product of your condition. I think the answer to both of these questions is yes, and this is common among people with depersonalization.
