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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Do you ever had the idea that you tried everything and nothing will help you get back in the real world again? Do you cry each day thinking that you should probably be better dead because nobidy can help you and doctors doesn't have a clue how to help you and you have to self-doctor yourself?

I feel like that these days. Since many months, but today I feel with 0 hope. I tried all things and feel that my life is going down down down.... I am so tired of all this Dp/DR. I don't want it and want to be happy again.

Sorry for the post, I needed to vent because I can hugely depressed now.

Cynthia :(

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544 Posts
i understand you completely...

i am feeling the same way...

but there is so much to try that something should bring relief...

i do not want this to sounds nasty or rude...but you do seem to just rely on meds and worry about what they are or are not doing...

try other things...

but you need to really try them...keep them going even when they seem completely pointless as it may take far more time than you want...

everything is worth a try...

-herbal remedies
-learn something new
-try a new hobbie

whether you have tried all of these or not...there is plenty out there to try...

i know it is hard as i feel like i have no hope anymore and that i will never get better...

but i WILL never get better saying that! something needs to be changed/done and I need to do it!

maybe try seeing different doctors for other opinions or another therapist or whatever...

the point is that you have not tried everything and so are missing out on something that may be the thing thatmight not cure you but at least help you...

i am sorry if some of this sounded like i was having a go at you...i do not mean any of it in that way :)

take care and keep living!

if you give up now then you give up the chance to be well again...

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342 Posts
Hi Cynthia, I am sorry you feel such depressed... I may not be the best one trying to find comforting words, as DP/DR isn't a big problem for me (I've become used to the feeling). But I know how life felt like a constant hell, as for many years' time I was severely depressed. Still finally I overcame the depression and now I don't have a trace of it. So I will try, as I feel you too aren't a hopeless case, far from it...

While I was depressed nothing felt good, and I thought the rest of my life will stay like that, as constant psychological torture. But I was wrong, depression can go away. For me it was the antidepressant Remeron that did the trick, for you it may be something else. I don't know how to get rid of DR 24/7 though, but since my depression vanished, I haven't been much bothered bc of DR either. So I guess there is hope...

Please try to notice some good things around you - for example your baby and how he/she is growing, learning new things every day. You may find out even the tiniest positive things and make a list of them. While feeling miserable it isn't easy, but believe me, seeing the positive things around you, and maybe writing a list of them may help you a bit. Even if just for the notice that not everything in your life is misery.


Discussion Starter · #5 ·

Very much.

It's appreciated.

But I would like to get rid of Dp too, on top of depression! :(

But you are so fine to say that.


Cyn xxx

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18 Posts
last week I cried myself to sleep every night
woke up every hour or so, panic attack, hardly getting any air
staring at the clock hoping the day would pass quickly so I would no longer have to pretend
then friday, I took a sleeping pill. slept 13 hours in a row
saturday same thing.
sunday too. I didn't feel like doing anything, but I tried to keep busy.
Monday was the day we remember our nearest and dearest who passed away.

I felt so alive visiting those graves. A was on a mental high until last night, when a migraine hit me. And now I feel grateful. I feel i'm sinking again, but I try to hold on to those two days and the energy I felt. It is possible. I got proof of it. Apparantly, it's just the way of breaking a circle of thoughts, and get your body warm, comfortable, relaxed, so you're not too aware of it. Avoiding mirrors helps :) playing sims2 too.

I know what i'm heading for. I know it will take me by surprise. But it will go away again. i try to look at it as a journey to the next "good times" instead of being inbetween the bad ones...

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630 Posts have my deepest sympathy for the way you are feeling....i too would like rid of the dp/dr aswell as the have to try stay positive think about your child and things to look forward too,like his/her first day at nursery...first day at school..its happy face at christmas....your baby is your future....we all can have dark times i went through a stage of praying every night i would not wake up the next day....and feeling guilty for thinking like that....i know the days are extremely hard but they will get will have a life.....there is a cure for all of us we all just have to find the right way out of it for us.......

.....hope your new meds kick in soon and your spirits start to lift :)

Discussion Starter · #8 ·

I went to my psy and he say I really need to stop my depression, because it's very important, after we will think of combos, etc. So I will try another SSRI. I cross my fingers it will be OK. Today my paxil withdrawal wasn't that bad. But I feel empty inside. Unfoprtunately Paxil gave me great headaches. I hope the new one will not give me headaches. And for my opinion, I wont take another med who is hard to come off! :) That is my point.

Thanks all for being there. I need you.

Cynthia :oops:

Discussion Starter · #9 ·
C, you've got to start really looking for patterns in how you respond in this illness.

Every time you go see your psych, the day or so before you are literally ready to die. You always (without exception) hit complete bottom, and talk about absolutely hopeless - then you go to the psych, and somehow something about having completed that allows you to then have a little hope.

That "oh, my GOD, I will never get better and I have no hope and I think about wanting to die..." turns around in an afteroon - and it is always there BEFORE you have an appt. to see the psych.

I don't know if it's almost a kind of "magical ritual" that you go through - or if you are just repeating (without realizing it) something that ONCE made you feel good - as in, for example, if the first time you ever saw a psych, you had felt SO horrible right before, and now you keep repeating that exact same you see? It is really hurting you. You are not making room for change, only repeating the exact same patterns....

Those patterns - and everyone here has their own version - are every bit as important (if not more so) than paying attention to your brain/body's response.

Depression and anxiety and all these horrors are SO terrible...but we MUST also realize that there are things we do that make them worse. MOST of the symptom might be physical/neurological...but I am telling you, guys, every single one of you (and me, I was a master at it)...are helping yourselves stay crippled by allowing yourselves to keep repeating cycles/rituals that somehow FEEL familiar and good, but are making your illness much worse.

I have more to say re this topic, but for now, let me just post this *(and I imagine everyone will jump on me, lol)

Love you,
p.s. I SAY this to you only because i recognize it - I did similar things for years....and learning to change this kind of stuff was so hard and I fought it tooth and nail - I insisted I was NOT repeating patterns, etc...I was just so sick and so scared, etc.....and only once i really started looking at the odd mind games I was playing with myself did the symptoms start to fade.

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2,383 Posts
Believe or not Dear Janine, I think I may be seeing some light here.

I don't feel like writing much, but Cynthia some of the recommendations make sense for you, and for ME! :shock:

My "team" at the University who did a reeval of all my therapy, my history, talked to me for 2.5 hours, etc. has come to the conclusion (I may take it or leave it), that I am indeed a sort of perpectual patient in that I have deep seated conditioned responses.

Recommended therapy was group... D.B.T. I've heard people talk of it on the Board briefly, and I'll do more research. But it's group, 4 times a month, 4 months, 4 modules. DIrected on the PRESENT, and not on the SYMPTOMS, but patterns of destructive thinking.

ALso, one on one with a CLinical Psychologit, Ph.D. who is an expert in dissociative disorders. May work with me on a sliding scale. Minimal shrink visits. For meds. That's how it goes.

My recent reaction to going to this eval... well it nearly destroyed me. Nightmares, IBS, hideous DP/DR, non-stop crying, etc.

Also, referred to an excellent Clinical Psychologist, Ph.D. for counselling who is an expert in DP/DR, dissociative disorders.

My past has so much to do with who I am. It is so clear to me. I have been battling this Nature/Nurture argument for so long. Bottom line, is yes, I have a mental illness, but I need to try as hard as I can, and the eval C.S.W. said it is DIFFICULT work.

Month One: Mindfulness
Month Two: Emotional Regulation
Month Three: Interpersonal Effectiveness
Month Four: Distress Tolerance

DBT was originally designed for those with Borderline, but they have found it effective for LIVING IN THE PRESENT, for many people including people like me. Something I KNOW I don't do. It's hard to hear it. It enrages me that my past has so screwed up my life. But I need to move forward, or I'll die.

This is what makes more and more sense for me. My early life was Hell. I need to move on now. And I think it's time. But my symptoms have increased 100 fold since seeking a new eval, new therapy suggestions.

Wendy has said this. I have opened Pandora's box. This I feel is a last chance to give it the good fight.

I will write more when I don't have a splitting headache (from my period) and don't feel so exhausted.

Take Care,

Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Holy moly, it's the Apocolypse, lol....I log on and see "Dreamer" has replied to this thread and I think "oh, good GOD, chickie, this was not written for YOUR eyes, lol...." and I assume there will be much eyepoking and many many feathers a'flyin'

Holy moly in the world tilted on its head in a teapot.


p.s. And trust me, everyone....Dreamer, Cynthia, all you wonderful beasties: I was the worst at this, worse than all of you. My spin cycle was hit to 24/7, lol....I replayed the same damn stories with the same damn characters EVERYwhere in my life. There WAS no "past" - because I lived in it every day.

We might not be able to control our neurotransmitters, but there is so much we CAN learn to change. And the results are astounding.

Love to all,

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2,383 Posts
we MUST also realize that there are things we do that make them worse. MOST of the symptom might be physical/neurological...but I am telling you, guys, every single one of you (and me, I was a master at it)...are helping yourselves stay crippled by allowing yourselves to keep repeating cycles/rituals that somehow FEEL familiar and good, but are making your illness much worse.
LOL Janine re: your post. I'm :shock: ing everyone.

But just to clarify -- I've received a number of PMs -- and mind you my new approach has not been tested, yet. DBT is very much in many ways like CBT. I am not with Janine on UNCONCIOUS motives. For me, I'm very aware how I have certain conditioned responses.

If I have to be graphic, what really drove this home to me was, not only did I have a serious increase in DP/DR to an unbearable level, which did occur, I also had an episode (forgive) of IBS. That occurs ONLY in a few specific situations. It started when I was visiting my mother in her Nursing Home.

To be blunt. The gut problems started the minute the plane landed in Detroit, and cleared up completely when the plane landed in L.A. This has generalized itself to visiting friends, and then to friends visiting. Etc.

I have no coping mechanism, and never did, with stress. Never. We can say it's from my upbringing, we can say it's from biology. It doesn't matter anymore.

I'm not planning on going to one four week seminar for a cure, but for coping skills, very much like CBT to help me DEAL with my symptoms, and I hope maybe to control the IBS!!!!! I haven't even started thinking about the DP/dR.

Also, I will be seeing a therapist to work through genuine psychological problems I'm very aware of re: relationships with men AND women that are part of a very sick childhood. That's what they called my childhood. I showed them my website, etc.

Many people try this form of therapy. I don't plan to continue it if I feel it's ridiculous, but I am working essentially on saving myself from drowning.

I don't believe I will be cured at all. They didn't say this would cure me of ANYTHING. THey said it is a way of coping. Of learning to cope with stress, an acquired ability I simply don't have. My childhood DID have a significant impact on that.

There is nothing Unconscious to be dragged up. I don't wish to be ill. But my coping mechansisms are very poor and as I get older they are only getting reinforced. I have a friend whom I talked with, cried with at length last night. He SEES these patterns in me. My husband does as well.

If there is something that can help me cope better with stress, I need it.

As I said, I will be working with a psychologist more closly in the same manner. And we will talk about the past no doubt. But it will certainly be more in the context of helping me live with it, and live more positively.

I HATED the psychiatrist in the team. He kept saying, "Well, you seem motivated to try to change. You know we can't give you a magic pill to make this go away." I HATE psychiatrists, LOL. No shit mister. God he made me furious. But I'm giving what is essentially CBT (which I had in L.A.) another try. And part of it is working on my anticipatory anxiety. There are ways of understanding how to control that.

If I could lessen that by 15%, I would be happy. That sounds pathetic, but I am in seriuos shape right now. In no shape to weather NORMAL stressors, and I include things like my period, changes in environment, etc.

I believe I have a neurological illness that has been chronic for, well, 46 years. THis was something insidious from my early childhood. But I was never helped to cope and was blamed for being ill. That wouldn't help someone with diabetes.

I'm seeking coping skills to control some of my catastrophic thinking.

Just to clarify.

And it may not work. In which case, I'm in seriuos trouble, as I'm getting worse. I haven't been feeling well recently, and things literally exploded on Tuesday night, and I'm only slowly feeling better now.

I don't have answers, but I'm trying once more to cope with this illness, which is taking my life away from me, literally and figuratively.

I hope this makes sense. I'm exhausted and rambling.

I'm not "keeping myself sick" per se, I am so conditioned, and so tired of fighting, the illness has taken me over. I am trying again to work on coping skills to make my life liveable. Right now, it is going down the tubes. This was simply a reevaluation and a review of 30 years of treatment. NOTE: I will not be stopping my meds, I need them. I will be seeing a psychiatrist for work with those meds.

I know this is a matter of semantics sp?! Perhaps splitting hairs. But I don't react properly to people. I don't speak up for myself. I try to please. I have nightmares that 99% of the time involve my mother. THere is nothing mysterious about this, but it's got to stop. These things cause anxiety, which increases my DP. If I can control some of my behavior, I may be able to reduce some of the anxiety, which in turn may help reduce some of the DP/DR.

Take Care Cynthia.
Tired as ALL Hell

Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I yes I feel shocked. Maybe it's true, I still search for the magic thing. But I supposed I don't look that stupid. I will more look at myself and my patterns of survival, but the way you say that feels like I am stupid and I am not. :( I know I have bad patterns, but it's so shocking to feel criticized. Maybe that is all I need to be better.

We'll read later to read between the lines.

Cynthia xxx

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1,479 Posts
Hi Cynthia,

The points that Janine and Dreamer are making about themselves, you...they could be made about pretty much everyone with this disorder. It is not speaking negatively about it. Instead it is more saying this is how people with this disorder seem to repeatedly think and feel. We all have the "bad patterns". We all have to realise them so that we can learn how best to handle them.

I can reassure you that in no way has there been a statement made with the thought of making you feel stupid. I am writing this now as I know the others have not seen your reply to tell you they meant in no way to speak negatively about you. It is about the disorder.

So sad that you are having a hard time. At the beginning, and for a year or so, I felt I too had 0 hope. Now, many years later, as long as I keep myself in a relatively good headplace, I am able to manage quite well. I still have DR 24/7 but I have learned to ignore it most of the time. I hope that you are one day able to find the same.

Do Not Give Up On YOU ! You are so much stronger than you can believe. There isn't a magic pill, Cynthia...but there is magic...and you can find it inside you.

Take Care,

Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Je ne comprends pas la maniere que vous repondezau ici. Ils ne pensent pas que vous etes stupide. Ils essayent de vous montrer quelque ....chose. Montrez-vous que quelque chose vous ne pouvez pas pouvoir voir sans aide. Vous etes frustre. Ils sont frustres puor vous. Ils s'inquietent de vous, et veulent que vous alliez mieux.
And sometimes that means having to be straightforward - completement honnete. Vous pouvez ..... me faire confiance - ils essayent d'aider.

And so am I :) Maybe if I was a bit better with French - I actually could.

Comme le terri dit - il y a magique.

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1,479 Posts
Oh man, sc, now how the heck do I know if you concurred with me at all or totally trashed my thoughts? Speaka da English, too, please. :?

Oh yeah, third didn't think anything about what I said. :shock:


Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I'm sorry terri..........what? I don't speak Dixie. I will go with the assumption you said something about my attempt at French, and maybe that you think I'm a neato guy. Thank you very much.
What I was trying to say to Cynthia, is approximately what you were trying to say. We were just doing it in different foreign tongues

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1,479 Posts
yeah, you crazy monkey smiling're a pretty neato guy. :lol:

you do too speak Dixie. no need to be ashamed of it. :D


Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Dear Terri,
Not everyone can understand Dixie. Poor sc was reared in the pacific northeast (where they is way too much inbreeding). He sometimes speaks in tongues because he is just confused. He's a good guy, but he's no Dixie Dude. Cut him a little slack. grin, New Orleans all the way

CYNTHIA: No way was I saying you are stupid, and you know I was not saying that. What I was saying is that you do what I used to do, and what sc does, and what many of us do here: we act like the ways we treat ourselves and the patterns we fall into have nothing to do with making ourselves feel worse.

I KNOW you have horrible symptoms and my heart goes out to you sooo much. But....lately you have been sprialing downward into deeper depression and alot of that is within your control. You have talked about being so hopeless and not wanting to live, am I supposed to react to that? I cannot just say "oh, poor dear one...I am so sorry..." because I've BEEN saying that and you still spiral farther down.

There is much we cannot do about these symptoms...but there is much we CAN do. And we owe it to ourselves to do what we CAN.

You cannot cure just PART of the emotional/mental life. even if your symptoms are entirely biologically based, there is much you can do re patterns, making changes, pushing yourself to FEEL better....and those thigns are crucial.

I care about you and I am your friend and you KNOW that. But I do get plugged in when someone talks about not wanting to live. MOre sympathy does not help the person at that point. YOU need to do everything you can within yourself to turn that hopeless around.

You hear me? I love ya, girl..

Discussion Starter · #20 ·
um....Janine? Newsflash - there is no Pacific NorthEAST in the United States.

Note to Cynthia - everyone makes mistakes. You, me..........even Janine. A true friend will tell someone of these mistakes if they think it will help them.
(I've told you before.........get an atlas Baker).
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