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Discussion Starter · #1 ·

Sorry for my post, but I really feel at the end of my rope. I excuse myself for this post, but I need to vent. I feel like there is no end to all that pain, misery, crying. I am supposed to feel OK to have a child, I feel terrible and think my son would be better off without me. When my boyfriend tells me how much he love me and how he felt in love with me, I cry and cry andfeel like this would never happen again, like I am already dead. I have no guts to work, but at home, I feel so sad, I feel guilty to cry in front of my child, I will surely be responsible for his comportment later, because I am too sad.:( I am afraid of all, I feel like nobody understand except you and specialists in DP, so nobody can help me to cure me of just have relief.

I am tired of all specialists, but at the same time I wrote to them and want so much help from them... I don't know what I want to do in life, and I should be a little happy... no, I am antisocial now and don't even want to make new friends at work. I feel like God doesn't want to help me, and all the people of my family who is dead, and I pray to them, and they doesn't liscen to me. :(( I would like a little relief.

I hate my family, my sister who had OCD, my nervous mother who encourages my sister in her ilness without being aware of it, I would like sometimes to be in another family. Other times I need my mother, I need to have support, but I hate myself for wanting them to help me. But I feel so desesperate.

I am afraid of becoming a bad person, I feel like everything can happen. I don't see a happy end. And I am afraid of medication, I would like to try Anafranil, I am too chicken, and Lamictal, sometimes I say I havenothing to loose, other times, I say I can heal without them. And I try not to take Klonopin, I feel so weirdo it's unbearable. But with Klonopin, I don't feel there, just drugged enough not to panick hugely. But it's not a life :(

These days I take sleep pills not just to sleep but because I can't take my life like that. In my dreams, all is so cool, happy, it's beautiful... I wake up and don't want to wake up and feel this horrible anxiety and derealization all the time.... it makes no sense.. I can't take it.

All this time I wonder why, and how people can help me. How to be happy?? I just want to forget all that but I know I won't be able, it's been too long. So I can't heal because I can't forget.

I am tired of psychology, I am tired of all, I would be better off dead. I don't want to die but I can't accept this illness without any relief all my life. I can feel so terrible, so horrible.

I wanted to have more childs, now I don't think I would be able. O wanted a careeer, now I feel it,s too late. I was intelligent, now I feel like a crazy woman. I was happy, now I am miserable. I had goals, now I have NO goal. I had energy, now I have 0 energy and wonder how I will make the day.

And I have this 0 short term memory, like I forget all I do, all is foggy all the time, it's so frightening.

I am SORRY for this post, I did't even re-read myself, I needed to cry all the pain inside me, all the why? :(


Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I feel with you.
Don't give up. You are by no means down and out.
You got a lot to say, otherwise you would not have been able to express yourself and write such a moving post.
Keep saying what you have to say. It's worth it and it's valuable.

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290 Posts
Cynthia, I am sorry you are feeling so low and mixed up right now. This illness is a painful one and I truly understand and sympathize with you. Your mind at the moment has many conflicts going on. All the different emotions can make you feel panicky and scared. You are not sure what to feel and what to do. It is important for you to try and relax, even though I know it is hard to do when you feel this way you really need to try. Try and take one problem in your mind at a time and try and come up with a solution. You can not expect yourself to fix everything all at once. If there is something today that you can do something about then work on that, if you cannot do anything then put it aside till you are able to handle that problem.

Looking at everything at once when it looks confusing can make you feel unsettled. Do a little bit at a time, do something nice for yourself, live in the moment. Do not worry about tomorrow, concentrate on living today and what you can do today that is positive. Do not always look at the negative side. Life will get better.

When in the grip of dp/dr it is sometimes hard to feel love or give love. It can make you feel empty inside. Try not to push yourself to feel or expect yourself to feel things that you are not feeling at this moment. Take some deep breaths, try to relax, exercise, and get lots of rest. The mind and body tire easy when under stress. Give yourself time to heal.

Please never apologize for expressing yourself here, we are here for each other, that is what this site is all about, caring for one another, especially when times get tough. It will get better, there will be rainbows.


Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I feel so sad. I feel like I am crazy. Why do I don't take anti-psychotics? Mayb I am schizophrenic and another psychiatrist would have tell me that I am. If I am, how will I live like that? I know I don't have hallucinations or delusions but I do feel confused and I do feel isolated from the world, and inable to work or having real fun or wanting contact with people. I hate myself so much.

:( I have those terrible fears). I am so tired.
Thanks for being there. Janine if you can PM me.

Cyn xxx

Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It's not at all easy is it Cynthia?
We had an ex prime minister who is well remembered for telling us "life wasn't meant to be easy".

Some of us get more than our share of hardship,life is not fair.
You say you need family support and yet resent it.......sounds normal to me.
As I understand it's healthy to admit to our needs,all people have needs.
Problem with dp is most times nobody can fix us one.
You know this on an intellectual level but emotionally you are like a child,this is not a putdown as I can relate myself.
You just want somebody to take the pain away now :)

Cynthia I honestly don't know what to tell you.I live with a great deal of fear myself.
Perhaps if you could find the courage(you will still have fear)to try lamactil.
I know somebody who takes a low dose without any strong side effects.
At first it caused insomnia that wore off.She no longer has dp,so for her it's been a huge help.
As we all know from reading people's stories here,when it comes to treatments one size does not fit all.

I understand that your dp has you feeling severely depressed.
Is it at all possible to try and find help for your depression?Have you considered cognitive therapy?
I realise it's not an answer to dp but maybe your dp is worsened by your depression,maybe it's become a nasty circle of emotions.
Don't know I'm only making suggestions.

Somehow I believe you will make it and one day feel better.
I'm sorry for your suffering,it's a huge burden to feel so ill when you have a child to care for.
In another way it's your child that will keep you going........I know because it was like that for me a long time ago.

Please don't beat yourself up,who could have guessed that this horrible dp would come into your life.
You are doing the best you can at the moment.
Coming here to vent is a big part of your much needed support system.

All the best,cheers Shelly

Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thnaks Shelly,

You are all a big help for me. You know I don't know what causes my depression anymore except that I am HUGELY afraid of my dp/dr, hugely, and my confusion too (when I go in and out a place, I can feel disoriented). And that causes a bit of depression. I am also depressed because of my family *that I can't change, just accept, and from the fact that I didn't work since my delivery, like other normal mothers, and I am on disability for now, and it's unacceptable for me, and to take meds and TEHY aren't working, and to change (being from a happy girl to a passive and sad girl, isolated, addicted to many things). I can't accept to change of work, I always had fear of opinion of others too, and new work create fear for me. Now I am depressed because I don't know why I live anymore, or because I am depressed I don't know why I live anymore. I just know I feel horrible since too long, on a 1-10 scale of terror I am almost at 8-9 everyday, I am exhasuted. And sometimes this horror and anxiety is inexplicable, unbearable, it's like a nightmare, and I don't know how to ease my pain. :(

thanks for being there.


Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I am afraid of becoming a bad person, I feel like everything can happen.
Dear One,
That quote above is what the horror is hinging on. (for YOU, not for anyone else, but from what I know of you and our conversations, THAT is your version of the OCD that is running you)

I wish I could help - all I can think of to tell you is to find SOME therapist, anyone, it does not have to a specialist in dp, just someone you like...and TALK to them about your terrors. You've got to find a way to "turn the light on" and SEE that those fears are only harmless obessions. YOu are NOT a bad person and you are never going to be a bad person.

Are you a perfect person? No way. grin...but you are NOT evil or bad. And those fears, those obsessions are the ROOT of all the other symptoms. It's as if those obsessions are DRIVING the symptom train, and all the anxiety and all the depression and hopelessness and dp is the back car of the train, desperately trying to incapacitate you because only then do you feel safe from doing horrible things.

It is NOTHIGN but a terrible obsession. And I know you can find a way to talk it through and do good work with someone to find your way out of this horror. I was so similar and I promise you that NOTHING has "happened" to your brain in all this. You are just in abject horror of yourself. THat alone is enough to render anyone totally helpless.

Love you,
your friend,

Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I feel like im at the end of my rope everyday, if i didn't have the few motivating factors that actually motivate me to go on everyday, i'd probably kill myself and end the misery.

Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I'm sorry to here this bro.
Let's hope that 05 will be a better year and there will be a turn around for you,Cynthia and all of us who daily or sometimes feel at the end of our rope.

I recall reading once a silly saying "when you are at the end of your rope,tie a knot in it and hang on".................said it was silly

As for OCD,I don't think I have this?
It's just that I discovered the other day that OCD does not always present itself in the typical way that most of us think of.Like in the movie "As good as it gets".
I read that OCD is more about what happens to you if things you stress about are not done.
A clue is if anything is out of place(not perfect),not the way you usually have it/want it..... then you go nuts.

I don't think I'm explaining this very well.I would like to understand it better if anybody could help me.
I think somebody close to me may have OCD and it could well be the cause of a huge amount of stress for this person,myself and others.
Some of my stress could be the result of being around somebody with OCD.

Cynthia,I hope you realise I'm not suggesting that you have OCD,you may have but I don't know this.
It's just that Janine mentioned OCD and that there are particular versions of it.
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