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Hi everyone!

This is my second post here. I believe that I have DPD but I'm not 100% sure. Because I have some effects that are not (as far as I know now) mentioned with this disorder. I will try to do my best to put this in to words. And I would love to hear your perspectives on my situation

I seem to experience a form of presumably depersonalization. In short this means I lost myself. The best to explain this is as I'm possessed a lot. It is as if I'm continually possessed by strange thoughts and associations. The strangest thing of this is, is that I know on a conceptual level these thoughts and associations are not true. But when they take me over I disappear en become those negative thoughts and associations it really feels that I'm the once choosing to think like that at that moment. This can happen in some worst case scenario's every few seconds. At that moment it is as if I change perspectives and continually doing so and all seem to be me but at the same time feel alien. As you can understand this is extremely disturbing.

I feel also a lack of control to do anything about it. It often feels that I'm not choosing things but that I'm created as a movie with not control or freedom what so ever. It feels like the person I used to be and loved is completely gone - and that it is replaced with a very negative one I did not choose for. I also a lot auto rejection of myself that I do not even choose to do so. That I can't seem to change this (because that same I seems automatic) makes things extremely confusing for me. I don't recognize myself in the mirror often.

I suffer from this around 4-5 years now. I also used some research chemicals in that time like 4-FA, 2-FA, Isopropylphenidate, 4-ho-met - and some others. Which made me feel better while under influence then, but the days after they severely made the effects worse - and it even feels that some of these things seem to stick.

I really tried a lot to solve this, I have been to several psychiatrist and psychologists, I do mindfulness, I watch self-help did read the power of now, exercise a lot and eat super food and more healthy in genereal. But none of these things really helped - and this really makes me feel helpless.

I was wondering if this is also a form of DP and some people can relate and have some tips for me.
 
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