[Jix]

Nothing means anything.
Someone could say "im a scientist" or "i am very good at such and such" or even "i love this" and my mind instantly thinks deeply about it. About the fact that everythings meaningless around me. And i ask myself "why? Why is that important? The passion we have is pointless" This follows me all day long and i always wonder "why did this have to enter my mind at all? Why should any living creature have to endure this mental pain that nothing truely matters? Whats the point of it all?" I cant enjoy shows or hobbies or anything anymore because i feel ive thought myself into a place of no return. I couldnt stop thinking about the universe and life and now im...here...I cant even enjoy things without thinking this. As soon as i think "i need to stop thinking this way. Theres got to be a way to free myself from this feeling and think like i did before all this." Ill try to turn on a video game or something to watch only for that FEELING to come back and ask "whats the point? We're just energy thats aware of itself. Theres no point to any of this. Everything exists for some sick twisted reason that non of us understand" i cant even watch my favorite comedy guys on youtube anymore because laughing and humor seems pointless. i dont even want to seek help because i feel like if another person heard the things i have going on in my head, it could give them the ideas and thus ruin their lives and id hate to do that. This is literally hell. This is worse than dying to me. This is worse than being physically tortured. I literally think that life is just energy thats become aware and all life is connected by the same energy and a bunch of other thoughts that make life seem so meaningless. I wish i could forget. I wish i could get amnesia or brain damage and forget how i got here in this state. I have an intense sadness everyday wishing these feelings would go away. I cry and sometimes its the only emotion i can feel and actually recognize cause theres proof im feeling it as there are tears. I cant tell when im actually feeling emotions anymore. All i know is sadness and fear. I dont know how normal people manage a normal life. I feel like im broken in everyway but at the same time i dont feel HERE at all. If we're all connected then am *I* really here? I dont even think im an entity of my own anymore. Like we are all connected anyway. I think of anything i see as science now. If i see something like an animal on a documentary, all i think as it moves around is "it doesnt even know this is all just nonsense. We shouldnt even exist" Alot of the time i feel like im dreaming and at times i cant tell the difference between dreaming and real life. This all started after my dad died and recently its gotten worse cause ive had three pets die this year as well. All of it. Life and death. Universe or no universe. It all seems irrelevant. Im afraid at the fact that a lifeform such as myself has the awareness strong enough to understand all this. Everytime i talk to someone, they say "yeah there isnt really any meaning to anything. Its what you make of it" and that dystroys any hope i have of coming out of this. Whatever THIS is???
I doubt therapy will help at this point. I feel too far gone. My emotions are irrelevant. Therapys irrelevant. My life is irrelevant. Everythings irrelevant...and i feel the only people who understand are the people on this forum or others out there who quietly suffer from this as well. Its not depression, though it causes my depression. And its not anxiety either. Only a part of it is the dissociation. Dissociation is basically breaking away from reality and escaping in your mind but THIS seems to be our actual reality and that scares me to think this is the only logical thing i could come up with. I feel im just a single light bulb in a machine of trillions of other light bulbs that eventually go out and only exist because they CAN.

If someone has been to this place and has gone back to normal thinking please help and if anyone can actually argue against what ive said, id love to hear anything that could convince me out of this hell. Its just that noones been able to do so other than religious stuff which i dont believe in.

 

[Psyborg]

life is not pointless

you should definitely do a therapy

and you will overcome this either way dont worry

 

[audreym]

I've been through a similar period. When my dissociation was at it's worst, I'd become fixated on questions I didn't have answers to and the meaning behind everything. It created this intense brain fog that fucked with my emotions and sense of self. And then when you explain the questions tormenting you to other people, they really just don't get it. My therapist said this had something to do with hyper-awareness, and we focused on getting my dissociative shit under control. I really think you can get past this, you just have to focus on staying grounded with your surroundings. And when you feel yourself slipping and unable to reconnect, don't get frustrated with yourself. I know it's really hard but I learned that if I was in a state like that the best thing to do was accept it and try to see how normally I could function for the rest of the day. Moving through the motions of life as if nothing was wrong was really the only thing that helped me. Stay strong.

 

[Jix]

Im worried ill never get better. I think about how everything isnt the way i always thought it was. I guess it happened after my dad passed away cause that made me realize you sometimes cant do anything to avoid your death and how easy it is to die and then i realized we all die eventually anyway and then i thought if we die anyway what does anything matter and then all the existential thoughts about life and the universe happened. Lots of people around me have had thoughts like these but arnt taking them as seriously. Do normal people just accept this? How am i suppose to live normally when everything is not what it used to be or may not matter anymore?? Like once i try to come out of this way of thinking, ill look around for a sec observing everything around me thinking its all fake or superficial somehow, even the walls to my bedroom because i cant accept everything is here because it just IS. I think about the big bang being just some game being turned on. Like we are all irrelevant. Then i or someone around me will try to bring me back to other thinking like that everything is here because it is. And usually ill kinda come back but still have a nagging feeling everything doesnt seem right. I try to ignore it and enjoy life as much as i can till my mind goes there again. It disturbs me that other people also think like this, which makes me wonder if its actually reality. I feel like the fact everyone feels depression at some point in our lives must mean living the way we are isnt good enough. Its never good enough. It makes me wonder if theres just so much more to everything that we arnt aware of which worries me.

Does anyone else get these deep disturbing thoughts? If so did u ever just accept them or find ways to disprove them?

 

[Jix]

life is not pointless

you should definitely do a therapy

and you will overcome this either way dont worry

I appreciate your advice. Did you have problems with these thoughts too?

 

[Jix]

I've been through a similar period. When my dissociation was at it's worst, I'd become fixated on questions I didn't have answers to and the meaning behind everything. It created this intense brain fog that fucked with my emotions and sense of self. And then when you explain the questions tormenting you to other people, they really just don't get it. My therapist said this had something to do with hyper-awareness, and we focused on getting my dissociative shit under control. I really think you can get past this, you just have to focus on staying grounded with your surroundings. And when you feel yourself slipping and unable to reconnect, don't get frustrated with yourself. I know it's really hard but I learned that if I was in a state like that the best thing to do was accept it and try to see how normally I could function for the rest of the day. Moving through the motions of life as if nothing was wrong was really the only thing that helped me. Stay strong.

Thank you for your words. Ive struggled with acceptance alot. My previous online counselor tried to help me do grounding exercizes but i didnt feel it would help since i thought it was something i just needed to talk through. If you think grounding exersizes helped it go away, i could try giving it more of a shot.

 

[ReiTheySay]

Im worried ill never get better. I think about how everything isnt the way i always thought it was. I guess it happened after my dad passed away cause that made me realize you sometimes cant do anything to avoid your death and how easy it is to die and then i realized we all die eventually anyway and then i thought if we die anyway what does anything matter and then all the existential thoughts about life and the universe happened. Lots of people around me have had thoughts like these but arnt taking them as seriously. Do normal people just accept this? How am i suppose to live normally when everything is not what it used to be or may not matter anymore?? Like once i try to come out of this way of thinking, ill look around for a sec observing everything around me thinking its all fake or superficial somehow, even the walls to my bedroom because i cant accept everything is here because it just IS. I think about the big bang being just some game being turned on. Like we are all irrelevant. Then i or someone around me will try to bring me back to other thinking like that everything is here because it is. And usually ill kinda come back but still have a nagging feeling everything doesnt seem right. I try to ignore it and enjoy life as much as i can till my mind goes there again. It disturbs me that other people also think like this, which makes me wonder if its actually reality. I feel like the fact everyone feels depression at some point in our lives must mean living the way we are isnt good enough. Its never good enough. It makes me wonder if theres just so much more to everything that we arnt aware of which worries me.

Does anyone else get these deep disturbing thoughts? If so did u ever just accept them or find ways to disprove them?

There was a time in my life where all there was, was this. Death and existence. I didn't think about it constantly, it was there all the time. It made have insufferable panic attacks where I'd be 100% sure am dying, anticipating my death, looking around for it at the corners of the room at night. It was terrifying. I was a bit religious for a while too and was afraid to go to Hell. Questions like yours, and how people didn't take them seriously bothered me. I thought everyone was dumb for it, living their lives too goddamn scared to confront it all.

It is a loong journey, but, right now I believe life is absurd in nature, at least that is what I'm capable of seeing. We grew up with the idea that life "has got to have inherent meaning for everyone", a purpose, otherwise nothing else matters. Objectively, nothing does. But you're a subjective human being, and you are not capable of experiencing life objectively, so if you strive for meaning, to feel something, there isn't anything else that has to justify it for you, other than you do! No higher purpose or a promised land. We talk a lot about death but all those who talk are alive and have never experienced it. It truly feels like some cruel game at its core if you think about it. But I think maybe we need some time to adjust from "it has to be meaningful" to it doesn't, and "my own life to myself feels of value", of course you wouldn't feel that way unless you're in a healthier mindset and you're trying to break free from this idea of "fuck, it is all truly meaningless".

I don't know if you'll take some thing out of this, but I hope you do.

 

[Psyborg]

I appreciate your advice. Did you have problems with these thoughts too?

not exactly the same thoughts but I also have other many weird and scary thoughts . trust me you dont want to know how I felt or what I thought in 2018 (worst year ever) . I thought my life is over

 

[BeigeEverything]

I've been where you are. Exactly the same place, at least from what I've gathered.

When I had my DP/DR, which was 24/7 for almost 6 months, I would think about the pointlessness of things, which obviously a TOTALLY natural reaction when you feel like you can't access your normal emotional responses to things, right?

The only things I felt were empty or sad. And those just made me bitter toward things I used to love. Not having that emotional response made me think, at that time, that same nihilist way.

I remember frantically searching for meaning in things I used to love and be so sure of, and pushing myself to the verge of panic when I couldn't come up with anything.

Now that I'm better, and have been for nearly a decade, I can say with 100 percent confidence that those thoughts were caused by DP/DR.

And in a weird way, that sort of emotionless thinking made me realize a lot about the world, and happiness, how if you look at the bare reality of things, there's nothing that's intrinsically going to show you its worth. I think that's what our brains do, with chemicals like dopamine, seretonin, etc. I don't what that says about reality, but I think the term is depressive realism. Look it up.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Sorry for the length, and good luck.

 

[Jix]

I honestly cant even tell where i am in recovery if i am recovering. Ive experianced all the things people talk about on here and other places, like: not recognizing your own reflection, feeling your in a dream, coma, already dead, that terrifying feeling your not actually a part of the world as if it never actually existed or is a part of your imagination, the time warpy thing, complete emotional numbing, fearing that without emotions i could lose control and hurt ones i love, solipsism to the point i thought i was god once, almost everything ive read i can relate to. Thing is ive gotten over most of it. The things currently im dealing with is whats above. Thing is, what i described above was also the first symptom i had and basically caused the rest and continues to presist and i cant tell if im somewhat recovered or not. Sometimes i still wonder if others have really experianced the same thing, espessially others who have recovered cause i cant imagine recovering after all this. It feels impossible and its like my whole mind is completely different now.

 

[Jix]

I've been where you are. Exactly the same place, at least from what I've gathered.
When I had my DP/DR, which was 24/7 for almost 6 months, I would think about the pointlessness of things, which obviously a TOTALLY natural reaction when you feel like you can't access your normal emotional responses to things, right?
The only things I felt were empty or sad. And those just made me bitter toward things I used to love. Not having that emotional response made me think, at that time, that same nihilist way.
I remember frantically searching for meaning in things I used to love and be so sure of, and pushing myself to the verge of panic when I couldn't come up with anything.
Now that I'm better, and have been for nearly a decade, I can say with 100 percent confidence that those thoughts were caused by DP/DR.
And in a weird way, that sort of emotionless thinking made me realize a lot about the world, and happiness, how if you look at the bare reality of things, there's nothing that's intrinsically going to show you its worth. I think that's what our brains do, with chemicals like dopamine, seretonin, etc. I don't what that says about reality, but I think the term is depressive realism. Look it up.
Anyway, I hope that helps. Sorry for the length, and good luck.

Thanks for your insight as well. Im curious about your full process to being recovered if you wouldnt mind sharing. I just dont know how to stop these existential thoughts since they seem logical to me. Perhaps i could pm you if you were cool with that, that is?

 

[Jix]

There was a time in my life where all there was, was this. Death and existence. I didn't think about it constantly, it was there all the time. It made have insufferable panic attacks where I'd be 100% sure am dying, anticipating my death, looking around for it at the corners of the room at night. It was terrifying. I was a bit religious for a while too and was afraid to go to Hell. Questions like yours, and how people didn't take them seriously bothered me. I thought everyone was dumb for it, living their lives too goddamn scared to confront it all.
It is a loong journey, but, right now I believe life is absurd in nature, at least that is what I'm capable of seeing. We grew up with the idea that life "has got to have inherent meaning for everyone", a purpose, otherwise nothing else matters. Objectively, nothing does. But you're a subjective human being, and you are not capable of experiencing life objectively, so if you strive for meaning, to feel something, there isn't anything else that has to justify it for you, other than you do! No higher purpose or a promised land. We talk a lot about death but all those who talk are alive and have never experienced it. It truly feels like some cruel game at its core if you think about it. But I think maybe we need some time to adjust from "it has to be meaningful" to it doesn't, and "my own life to myself feels of value", of course you wouldn't feel that way unless you're in a healthier mindset and you're trying to break free from this idea of "fuck, it is all truly meaningless".
I don't know if you'll take some thing out of this, but I hope you do.

*yes* exactly its wierd cause i wont be actually thinking about it sometimes, its just *there* as a feeling and its there all day. Lots of your thoughts echo mine. Are you mostly recovered do u think?

 

[Jix]

Something that adds to me feeling disturbed is i used to get pretty embarrased in public or at least to a normal degree. Sometimes ill me doing something now that could be considered embarrassing, even risky by talking about private matters too loudly and my loved one will go "shhh thats not something others should hear" and my immidiate response now is "who cares, it doesnt really matter" and i dont think this is normal. Again, it boils down to all the existential shit that runs through my head. I just wish i could have a little shame like i used to. Sometimes i fake it for my familys sake but i really dont get embarrased anymore.

 

[99880]

Nothing means anything.
Someone could say "im a scientist" or "i am very good at such and such" or even "i love this" and my mind instantly thinks deeply about it. About the fact that everythings meaningless around me. And i ask myself "why? Why is that important? The passion we have is pointless" This follows me all day long and i always wonder "why did this have to enter my mind at all? Why should any living creature have to endure this mental pain that nothing truely matters? Whats the point of it all?" I cant enjoy shows or hobbies or anything anymore because i feel ive thought myself into a place of no return. I couldnt stop thinking about the universe and life and now im...here...I cant even enjoy things without thinking this. As soon as i think "i need to stop thinking this way. Theres got to be a way to free myself from this feeling and think like i did before all this." Ill try to turn on a video game or something to watch only for that FEELING to come back and ask "whats the point? We're just energy thats aware of itself. Theres no point to any of this. Everything exists for some sick twisted reason that non of us understand" i cant even watch my favorite comedy guys on youtube anymore because laughing and humor seems pointless. i dont even want to seek help because i feel like if another person heard the things i have going on in my head, it could give them the ideas and thus ruin their lives and id hate to do that. This is literally hell. This is worse than dying to me. This is worse than being physically tortured. I literally think that life is just energy thats become aware and all life is connected by the same energy and a bunch of other thoughts that make life seem so meaningless. I wish i could forget. I wish i could get amnesia or brain damage and forget how i got here in this state. I have an intense sadness everyday wishing these feelings would go away. I cry and sometimes its the only emotion i can feel and actually recognize cause theres proof im feeling it as there are tears. I cant tell when im actually feeling emotions anymore. All i know is sadness and fear. I dont know how normal people manage a normal life. I feel like im broken in everyway but at the same time i dont feel HERE at all. If we're all connected then am *I* really here? I dont even think im an entity of my own anymore. Like we are all connected anyway. I think of anything i see as science now. If i see something like an animal on a documentary, all i think as it moves around is "it doesnt even know this is all just nonsense. We shouldnt even exist" Alot of the time i feel like im dreaming and at times i cant tell the difference between dreaming and real life. This all started after my dad died and recently its gotten worse cause ive had three pets die this year as well. All of it. Life and death. Universe or no universe. It all seems irrelevant. Im afraid at the fact that a lifeform such as myself has the awareness strong enough to understand all this. Everytime i talk to someone, they say "yeah there isnt really any meaning to anything. Its what you make of it" and that dystroys any hope i have of coming out of this. Whatever THIS is???
I doubt therapy will help at this point. I feel too far gone. My emotions are irrelevant. Therapys irrelevant. My life is irrelevant. Everythings irrelevant...and i feel the only people who understand are the people on this forum or others out there who quietly suffer from this as well. Its not depression, though it causes my depression. And its not anxiety either. Only a part of it is the dissociation. Dissociation is basically breaking away from reality and escaping in your mind but THIS seems to be our actual reality and that scares me to think this is the only logical thing i could come up with. I feel im just a single light bulb in a machine of trillions of other light bulbs that eventually go out and only exist because they CAN.
If someone has been to this place and has gone back to normal thinking please help and if anyone can actually argue against what ive said, id love to hear anything that could convince me out of this hell. Its just that noones been able to do so other than religious stuff which i dont believe in.

It might be worth looking into some form of existential therapy. There are people trained to deal with these issues, you are not going to ruin their lives by discussing your concerns. If that form of therapy is not an option, you could possibly utilize some of the ideas behind it.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_therapy

I have experienced what you are going through, it does get easier to deal with and it is possible to overcome it,

 

[BeigeEverything]

Thanks for your insight as well. Im curious about your full process to being recovered if you wouldnt mind sharing. I just dont know how to stop these existential thoughts since they seem logical to me. Perhaps i could pm you if you were cool with that, that is?

 

[BeigeEverything]

Thanks for your insight as well. Im curious about your full process to being recovered if you wouldnt mind sharing. I just dont know how to stop these existential thoughts since they seem logical to me. Perhaps i could pm you if you were cool with that, that is?

Sorry for the post of mine right before this one, I'm on mobile. But yeah of course, feel free to PM me, I'd love to help anyone I can.

For anyone who cares, I honestly thought I was going to be stuck with DP/DR forever, and I feel like if I got better there's hope for literally everyone here.