[Al_pk]

Last night i went out had a lot of drink and a lot of whiskey. I used to enjoy going out and socializing and keep getting it in my head that i'll enjoy these things again but I never do. I find it absolutely impossible to enjoy even a solitary moment and nowadays hangovers are repetitive suicidal amd existential thoughts. The more i try to inhabit my former self the less like myself i feel. And I've felt like an alien in my own body for a year or more now. I don't know how long this will last but im struggling guys and losing hope fast

 

[Mere-Observer]

I'm afraid you can't drink when you are still going through intense DPDR. It makes it 10x worse. Going out doesn't have to be limited to drinking only. Healing requires a lot of sacrifice, i know it first hand.

Plz Don't try to become your former self. Any comparison with others or your former self will lead to stress/anxiety and would not help you one bit.

Accept your condition and take small steps towards complete freedom from the illness.

 

[Al_pk]

Its been so long since I had freedom to do what I want to do it's so frustrating

 

[Mere-Observer]

Hey man, i get you but You have to stop beating yourself about it. I wish there was an on/off switch for this illness to go away instantly. But there isn't any. We all have had to struggle for months/years and in some cases even decades before we could even say that we are making progress. But if you don't persist with little steps and small victories, you will only feel frustrated. Obviously i don't know your story and what approach you have used in order to combat it, all i can say is that do not lose hope no matter what. Healing is only possible if you persist.

 

[Al_pk]

I have a perpetual phobia of time which came on because of dpdr, for no particular reason it just developed when I was dpd. I have no emotions left, no personality and and all the intelliegence and learning I've done over the years is just gone now.

I started up an old wargaming hobby I used to be involved in which is something other than my old love for grain alcohol haha. But i can't get over the fact I'm a 28 year old incapacitated man child living at his mothers house and scared of his own shadow. Dpd is unbelievable suffering

 

[Al_pk]

I'm real quiet nowadays, I have the same problems of reconciling past, present and future in a way that is mentally comfortable. I guess the 'present' is my most comfortable realm but it is still difficult because of my anxieties, but I force myself onwards to the end of the day.

Thank you for saying. When I'm out in public people think I'm just a tight lipped and serious guy. But I'm not, at least not by nature. An old friend recently told me she always remembered my 'wicked energy' and I guess that was what I was like, always finding a buzz in small things, finding something to be interested in and engaging others with whatever passion was on my mind at that moment. I haven't felt like that in a long time now.

It's true that my core values haven't actually changed but are just very covered up and disconnected. But... well that's DP.

Did you google wargaming? It's kind of nerdy but it's a very rewarding hobby with all the painting and time you gotta put into it. I play age of empires on PC and used to play MMOs too. Never done airsoft, but I'm a pretty neat shot with an air rifle, used to take it up to my nans estate and let rip. sold the property a few years back now so now it's just sat there all sad looking not being fired (I live in the UK so actual firearms aren't allowed).