[Obliviousthorne]

This is just a rant, I guess. idk.

A week ago or so, I wrote a letter and presented it to my GP, who's been managing my mental health since I was a kid. I didn't expect her to understand, but she did. She referred me back to the community mental health team (CMHT) to see if they can give me more specialist help or give her advice on how we can move forward. I finally felt like something might happen.

But that never lasts forever, does it?

I had my call with CMHT today, and I don't think it went very well. They started by asking about my safety during these episodes and if I had any concerns. My mouth won't let me say the words I need to say. I can't admit vocally that I'm scared for my safety. I just said, "Not really," and he saw right through it, but I told him I don't usually act on my louder unsafe thoughts during episodes, which is partially true, and that seemed to be enough to reassure them. I'm not reassured, though. I know that my episodes lead me to be more impulsive and care less about my own safety. During episodes, I'll self-harm, engage in dangerous/reckless behaviour and trigger myself because my brain tells me to. It's hard to fight those urges when your emotions, thoughts, values and feelings no longer exist. But I couldn't verbalise that to him. Maybe it's because of a fear that they'll want to hospitalise me or call my parents, or maybe it's just because I cannot be bothered dealing with the classic suicide safety plans. Maybe its embarrassment. Im not really sure.
He asked a lot about my "episodes", and I didn't bother to try to explain how I'm no longer sure if it's episodic or if it's constant with fluctuations in severity. I had a hard time explaining that it's hard to tell when an episode starts or ends, and just explaining my symptoms, in general, was difficult. I was shaking the entire time.

Basically, they aren't sure what treatment will help either. He suggested I might be eligible for a disability allowance for this and that I could use that to seek private DBT or CBT therapy. But I've never found DBT or CBT very helpful, and my experience with DBT therapists has been quite negative. (Its a long story, but I felt extremely pressured in DBT therapy, and when skills didn't work, it was portrayed as my fault for not trying hard enough or not using enough skills. Overall its extremely hard to use skills during an episode because of the apathetic/emotionless nature of my DPDR.) He said he'll talk to his colleague(s) and write my GP a letter on how we should proceed, but im no longer very confident.

I guess it's partially because I'm still in a pretty bad episode, but I just... I don't want to try anymore. I have this overshadowing apathy for myself because of the DPDR. I feel nothing about my safety, my mood or my DPDR. It just seems pointless, and it'll be far more productive for me to just ignore it and get on with my academics and life. But as past episodes have shown, this isn't sustainable, and if I don't do anything, it'll lead to my suicide.

I was seeing a therapist and doing narrative therapy, but I don't think his approach is really working well with my autism and DPDR, and I've essentially been ghosting him because I don't know how to reply to him. I don't know what to do. I feel awful about everything, I feel like a horrible person, and I don't even know why. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling anymore, but thank you for reading this long ramble.

 

[NoDevils]

Thanks for sharing. Everything you said is wholly understandable, and it's good to see someone acknowledge they have problems in addition to depersonalization.

"It's hard to fight those urges when your emotions, thoughts, values and feelings no longer exist...I don't want to try anymore. I have this overshadowing apathy for myself because of the DPDR. I feel nothing about my safety, my mood or my DPDR."

If this above quote is absolutely true then there would be no reason to proceed with life and try to achieve recovery, at least not on an emotional level. Personally I don't think it's 100% true. One of the important teachings of philosophy and Buddhism which is probably lost on a lot of mental health practitioners is dialectical thinking. "Dialectical" is literally in the name of DBT but I think an average room full of people are mostly unaware of the concept. It's possible to be "emotionless" and "emotional" at the same time. It's possible to be hopeless and hopeful at the same time.

Disability benefits might be good so long as they don't interfere with your life goals or harm you in any way. They've improved my quality of life significantly.

 

[Obliviousthorne]

Thanks for sharing. Everything you said is wholly understandable, and it's good to see someone acknowledge they have problems in addition to depersonalization.

"It's hard to fight those urges when your emotions, thoughts, values and feelings no longer exist...I don't want to try anymore. I have this overshadowing apathy for myself because of the DPDR. I feel nothing about my safety, my mood or my DPDR."

If this above quote is absolutely true then there would be no reason to proceed with life and try to achieve recovery, at least not on an emotional level. Personally I don't think it's 100% true. One of the important teachings of philosophy and Buddhism which is probably lost on a lot of mental health practitioners is dialectical thinking. "Dialectical" is literally in the name of DBT but I think an average room full of people are mostly unaware of the concept. It's possible to be "emotionless" and "emotional" at the same time. It's possible to be hopeless and hopeful at the same time.

Disability benefits might be good so long as they don't interfere with your life goals or harm you in any way. They've improved my quality of life significantly.

I agree completely that there's a level of dialectical thinking that does/needs to happen in regard to this. I'm fully aware that, in reality, I know that I am feeling, thinking, that I still hold my values etc. Except, the big thing with DPDR is, of course, the Alexthymia and numbness that occurs, the inability to recognise your emotions; that disconnect between you and your feelings, opinions and thoughts. And of course, the apathy for self preservation, care and safety.

Of course, despite this dialect between knowing I am, deep down, feeling and thinking things, and the numbness that prevents me from seeing that emotion and thoughts leads to what you said. It becomes a battle of my brain truly believing there is no longer a point to living or recovery because of it's inability to see these emotions, thoughts, values or opinions. Which in turn is the reason I struggle so hard to actually do anything to help myself during these episodes; I physically cannot see the point, despite knowing deep down that there is one.

I hope that made sense. Once again, thank you for your reply I really appreciate it.

Disability allowance in my country doesn't seem to have any ill effects as I'm aware, but I'll have to work out from my doctor if I'm even eligible. I feel like I'm "fine" and that if I do get an allowance then I'm taking resources from people who need it more. idk, it's nonsensical thinking.

 

[NoDevils]

I agree completely that there's a level of dialectical thinking that does/needs to happen in regard to this. I'm fully aware that, in reality, I know that I am feeling, thinking, that I still hold my values etc. Except, the big thing with DPDR is, of course, the Alexthymia and numbness that occurs, the inability to recognise your emotions; that disconnect between you and your feelings, opinions and thoughts. And of course, the apathy for self preservation, care and safety.

Of course, despite this dialect between knowing I am, deep down, feeling and thinking things, and the numbness that prevents me from seeing that emotion and thoughts leads to what you said. It becomes a battle of my brain truly believing there is no longer a point to living or recovery because of it's inability to see these emotions, thoughts, values or opinions. Which in turn is the reason I struggle so hard to actually do anything to help myself during these episodes; I physically cannot see the point, despite knowing deep down that there is one.

I hope that made sense. Once again, thank you for your reply I really appreciate it.

Disability allowance in my country doesn't seem to have any ill effects as I'm aware, but I'll have to work out from my doctor if I'm even eligible. I feel like I'm "fine" and that if I do get an allowance then I'm taking resources from people who need it more. idk, it's nonsensical thinking.

When I have a depersonalization spike I baby myself, at least relative to my normal treatment of myself. Why does your DPDR result in apathy or self-cruelty? You said you felt like a bad person, but the only bad thing you've shared is your treatment of yourself. You had "mental health problems" or however you want to conceptualize them before depersonalization, so they're not wholly attributable to it. Going with the dissociation theory, which probably doesn't apply to all sufferers, focusing too much on the symptoms rather than the underlying causes could be like not seeing the forest for the trees.

I have mild depersonalization all of the time, which is one of the presentations of chronic depersonalization. I have no way to gauge this mild issue against my past self, who was often forgetful and acted in dissociated ways. Maybe it's severe and I've merely gotten used to it.

I used to have suicidal thoughts because my life was disorderly and on a downward trajectory, largely due to things out of my control but also due to some of my own faults. If things started looking bad again I like to think I'd act with equanimity but it's possible I'd run away or go destructive.

If you feel bad taking benefits from taxpayers just think about how hard the corporations are fucking us all in the ass and how much of a luxury it is to afford a high tax rate. Maybe that's stupid but it's how I justify my beliefs.

In the US benefits create a strong incentive not to do anything. Some of them even deincentivize financial health. Even so, it's almost more financially profitable to have a disability than work at Walmart. Option C is to get a decent job, which often requires formal schooling, and that's what most young people who can afford it try to do. I was on benefits while going to school, so that's utilizing two options simultaneously.

 

[hotsack]

im on disability allowance for this so dont feel ashamed. there is no cure for this, it doesnt just pass like a manic or depressive episode, so we cant look to be cured. i mean people do recover but can take time depending on the severity. look into ways to ground and be in the moment. not everything of this disorder lasts. abide in impermanence where you can find it and just be.