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On the 17th of May 2019 i smoked some weed with a apparent mate and my flat me I smoked it other nights and felt fine and since then i dont feel the same i feel different and everything around me is different including people, nothing feels real its very dream like and its very scary because it feels so permanent ,i feel like ive damaged my brain the feeling is constandly there of feeling like your not in reality/like there a glass wall there this has affected everything such as my health even like spelling and just things you think wouldn't be possible, its like reliving all over again but not really ,it doesn't feel to bad the feeling of constantly feeling high comes and goes but its always there just not as bad as certain other times and my memory its like i have slight amnesia i do things then forget im actually doing it/do things feeling like im not actually doing it , my time goes very slow ,its very hard to lose the feeling of feeling like your not in reality, in fact that makes me more anxious , I also have had/have anxiety , other anxiety disorders, depression now its come back ,I hate the fact that im still here here but not completely here ,im half numbed not completely numb but at times I have to pitch my self to feel alive but then other times I pinch my self and I don't feel anything, I constantly blame my self for this because I shouldn't of had any weed in the first place because it is illegal the only reason I had it was because of my disease I have which is endometriosis extreme pain with the uterus, I feel guiltily and bad because its affecting everything around me, me my friendships, family, my love life everything , I also have other symptoms that make it more scarier like fearing of dying it gets really bad at times and feeling costaphobic I spelt that wrong but like that feeling you get when your in tightspaces or a lift) ever since that night I black out and that's scary also because I get this weird sensation then back out,so that makes me anxious about even going out anywhere its hard to do anything when feeling high constantly/feeling off 24/7, I get bad to the point where I cant walk at all and my body just twitches and shakes, random hot/cold shivers in the skin/ flushes??? , feeling goose bumps in the skin instead of out ,feeling like the outside world is fake , everything just seems altered like sounds muted just everything me my senses, physical pain half of my body feels its not there eg like my uterus ,eg when I go toilet I cant feel it or I have to force my self , the other problem is I have a high calcium problem which is fatal mixing that with weed is dangerous I never knew until now and like the other anxiety disorders I never knew, I knew I had OCD but that's ,all turns out I think ive also have PDSD with sexual assault ive had flash backs of the event so im assuming I have that ,I even collapse which makes it hard to now do daily things to try distract my self to try get the dissociation to go away, makes it hard when u feel like your dead and feel so exusated and at times ill try do things then I faint, i went to an appointment with a psychiatrist I think you call it , someone that works with people and their mind mental state? im also having blury vison also makes it scary because everything is further away than usual, everything is just off I know something's wrong and I feel different so that worrys me the most feeling ill feel like this forever, then I get depression like symptoms where I don't wanna do anything , I feel exuasted, restless , then at times I cant stay still.

The apparent mate was a guy and he started touching me and underneath my clothes which then led me more to freak out , I was feeling like I was already gonna die on the trip cause I blacked out after then had bad headspin and he went and did that and I panicked then had reminders of flashbacks of pervious sexual assault and I freaked out and got him to get a sober person which he took awhile to do wish I felt scared cause I didn't know if he was gonna get anyone or not I was coming in and out and I really didn't wanna black out again like that , I told him to get my other sober flatmate because I just didn't want him in the room anymore, and was panicking since then that moment night I just don't feel the same the next day I didn't feel to bad I felt probably just take a bit to get out my system then I ended up in the hospital because of my heart problems ,heart skins beats and feeling like I was gonna die there is more but this is only short I feel like ive said enough

I really hope there is no permeant damage to my brain or body or health also hope I don't have it for life feel if it is I couldn't life with my self like having it for life,I have selfharm history and that makes it worse when I get the fear of the feeling wont go now I just get to the point where I cut my self cause its misery

I hoping someone can relate to this even if its just weed induced because im still sitting here thinking was it the weed or the guy,then blaming me self

I hope this some what makes sense even typing this is hard and makes me anxious, its hard , sorry if some of this doesn't make sense im tryina make it make sense

just having someone to talk to about this or just in general would be nice, would be even better if someone that's had a simlair situation could comment, with the weed or sexual assault while high. honestly feel like im going crazy and that's its self is really difficult for me I want to cry but then I cant nothing comes out and if it do its pathetic very short and I feel like Im not even expressing my self, ive also gone emotionless pretty much all I feel is anger and guilt and sad

im not gonna try come on here often because I suppose that's encouraging whatever that is happening right now so if anyone wants to talk to me or has anything that's relatable to this could give me a message if they want on Facebook Stacie Hope Bewley /Instagram giggle_queen/

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