[CoffeeAddict]

So, I'm not sure if this exactly the right place to put this, but I need to talk to someone. For anyone that reads this, thank you.

Looking back at it, I'm pretty sure I've personally have had some sort of minor depersonalization since I can remember. It's not until the impact is immediate that emotions break through to me. But its something I've worked to get better at and feel as if I've improved. Even if I don't know if I really feel an emotion I can recognize what I should feel and respond like I do. However, this isn't about me.

I've been dating my girlfriend for over 2 and a half years. The entire time, long distance (started dating in high school and I just now graduated, she's now a senior). Her endless support has helped get me through some of my own emotional issues, and I've attempted to help her with depression and anxiety. However, the past few months have been something completely different.

She came to me during some rough times for us (a lack of feeling love - long distance doesn't help), as we were a rollercoaster on if we were good or not, and told me that she thinks she has depersonalization. Since it's something I've thought I've had I felt as if I understood her and could help her the way she helped me. However, I was also going through a lot with myself and was selfish and self-centered. Eventually this lead to break ups and getting back together. Her wanting to grow on her own or talking to other guys. Yet, we'd always get together and things would be okay. Until very recently.

A couple of weeks ago we split. Mostly, we talk, we say I love you, we're intimate over the phone. However, we haven't been addressing issues at all. She talked to another guy while me, eventually I gave an ultimatum and she chose me. I felt like things were going well (at least I acted like it was). Today I work I got a message from her that hurt beyond belief. She found a guy online, went to his house, and slept with him and set up a date. She said she didn't feel anything and wanted to try to feel something. Since she was there she figured she might as well do something (however says it felt like nothing to her) and then accepted the date to make it seem like she wasn't just doing it as a one night stand.

She's said she gets impulses and just acts. Driving too fast, talking to guys, all of that. Yet she says she loves me and that I'm good to her - at the same time this disorder blocks her from actually feeling the love. I can understand that to an extent. After a lot of pain on my side and trying to accept things - I realized I'm not ready to move on. I understand (again, to an extent) these emotions. I want to help but I don't know how. I know I was doing it wrong before, I wasn't here for her and I just tried to act like it didn't exist so she'd fake it.

So now I want to help and don't know how. And on top of that I'm still hurting. But I don't want to be mad at her. I want to forgive her. I know that this probably seems crazy, but I know it wasn't something personal, as much as it feels that way. I know because I've been there before too. After apologizes for the way I handled it, pushing her further into this, she cried but still said she felt nothing. But, it was the most I've felt like I've had in a couple of months.

I guess my point is twofold.

1. How can I help? She has what seems to be an extreme and constant case of this (currently on Prozac for depression/anxiety too) and I want to be able to do something.

2. (Less disorder related) But how can I do this? Stay with it with the pain. I love her and I'm not ready to move one. Today has shown me that. I don't want to fault her but it doesn't make the actions hurt less. I know it's not likely (and I'm sure most of you think I'm crazy for even staying), but if anyone has an encouragement for me - I need it. I don't really have anyone else to go to. I've never been a really open person with feelings - I think it goes hand in hand with my own lesser depersonalization.

Anyways, thanks for ready. Best of luck to you all.

TL;DR - I was selfish in a messy relationship that only got messier. Now I want to be selfless and make it less messy but everything hurts and I don't know what to do.

 

[Aha's Shadow]

This is going to seem harsh, but from what I gather I'm a bit older than you and can give you some advice from personal experience. Leave her, for the sake of your health and hers, and for any chance of happiness in the future.

Go back and read my posts, how messed up I am at the moment and have been for a long time. The reason for this: situations exactly like you describe. An unwillingness to let go, to find a path where you're not constantly battling with yourself and her to find a resolution. If there's cheating involved, if too much is happening that you're turning to a forum for advice; this is a sign that it's a relationship that doesn't work and is never going to work.

You need to make a clean break with her and if you're not already; get some therapy. They can help you with the mental health issues you're having, and be able to talk about the issues that you are having with relationships. It will be hard, it will be emotional, but if you do it now you will have all the chance of being happy and successful in the future. Don't end up like me.

 

[Aha's Shadow]

Also quit the coffee, caffeine exacerbates anxiety.

 

[Chicane]

She sounds too conflicted to be a valuable partner to you in any meaningful way for the time being. It seems like she has urges, desires and needs that involve others, but if it were up to her, she'd probably keep you along for the ride while indulging in all of them, not realizing (or caring) how much they hurt and affect you. That way she gets to have her cake and eat it, and that's not a relationship when it's at your expense.

Depersonalization does have ramifications on emotions and empathy, but anyone truly willing to stay faithful and make a go of it would persevere regardless of their DP, because there's a deep-seated layer underneath all that which allows us to still know right from wrong and who matters most in our lives, irrespective of how severe our symptoms are. In that regard, it sounds like she may be using DP as a cop-out.

Two and a half years is quite a long time if you're young and involved - even more so if you're in a long distance relationship. There is probably a lot she misses regarding close contact, and she may also feel the need to spread her wings and sow her wild oats or what have you. Almost every young person has a phase like that, whether they are mentally ill or not. She may sense that things between you are too serious on some level, and that she's not ready for that type of commitment. If someone isn't prepared to invest their full time and attention, they can feel freaked out and want their space. So you may have a situation where the harder you push, the more she'll run.

Ultimately you're not able to fix her, nor is that your responsibility as you have your own life to lead regardless of sentiment and attachment. I think it's okay to stay in contact and support her or give advice, so long as you can distance yourself emotionally. But if you're all-in, you run the risk of tremendous, ongoing heartbreak. The kind of stomach-churning, can't sleep/can't eat kind of heartbreak. I've been there, and it's really not worth it. You also have to remember that it doesn't really matter if you're not ready to move on, because if she's able and willing to do so, then it's game over either way.

I would probably give her some time, give her some space, give her the gift of missing you, and see how she reacts. If she's invested, she'll come back. If not, you have to draw your own conclusions.

In any case, it's a difficult situation and I empathize. But do protect yourself in all this where possible. That's why I do pretty much agree with Djstone. It may feel too difficult to cut your losses right now, but at least try severing some of that attachment so that you're not too fazed if things don't pan out. The last thing you want is more hurtful infidelity on your plate.