[twinklefeet]

I've had this for about 10 years and I'm afraid that my brain has wired itself to be DP'ed. I had this through late adolescence, and the brain is fully wired around age 25...Sometimes I'm afraid that my brain is incapable of coming back to reality, what ever that is.

What makes me so angry is that I've stopped having panic attacks long ago, don't feel like I'm going crazy, and there is no reason for my DP to stay. None. I've "Ignored it" and "went on with life" for YEARS and it just doesn't matter...It stays put.

This has to be the most stubborn case of DP ever. I'm thinking of turning to meds even though I'm against pills because I don't want to become reliant.

This has become my new normal...And I don't even remember what it's like to not have this, it doesn't even freak me out that much anymore, it's just like I've accepted it. Everyone says "accept it, move on, forget about it and it will go away" Welp, I guess that doesn't work for everyone...Certainly not me.

All I would ask is to not have it for a few hours, to remember what things really look and feel like. To feel REAL sincere, deep emotions that a human brain should feel. To remember what that world feels like.

Some times in class i'll look at other people and try hard to feel like I'm really in the room with them. Try to see past the blurriness, but I just feel like an alien, like a holographic image projected into the room. Not really there........And now that I sound like a true lunatic i'll just stop,lol.

 

[Phantasm]

There's such a thing as neuroplasticity, which is a term for the brain being able to form and reorganize synaptic connections, especially in response to learning or experience. In other words, you are not destined to be hard-wired into this condition. There are recovery stories here from people who had dissociation for 20 years, so there is always hope.

Maybe there is still some underlying issue you've yet to come to terms with that is preventing you from engaging with life fully. It might not be something you fear as such, as it isn't causing you panic, but it could be something like toxic shame, where a person is made to feel bad about themselves in a situation that wasn't their fault, particularly in childhood. I'm just thinking aloud, but do you think there might be something you haven't put to rest and absolved yourself from? Perhaps a therapist might be able to help.