I wake up in sheer panic, heart racing, feel like I am being plugged to electricity, like I am going crazy, just very restless on the inside, and I don't know what to do with myself, my body is in constant pain because of that... if I try to go back to sleep I just can't, if I don't I am exhausted... so basically I am exhausted all day long.
But this wouldn't even be the most horrifying part... my brain is just numb... to everything. I don't remember anything about myself, what I liked, what I used to be like, my daily routine (shower, make up... anything basically), just nothing, I don't remember what happened an hour ago, I can't think, plan things (even the simpliest ones), daydream, visualize, my mind is just not with me, no matter what I do... It's like I became completely dumb or crazy, I can't even explain that...
I always feel beyond uncomfortable and yet I am not even here!!! I don't like staying by myself (I used to enjoy it before) and yet I don't like being with people most of the time cause I don't like the state I am in and it's hard to be around them in this state!
I keep questioning every movement (even the most simple ones), like would I normally do this or that? How would I decide? What would I be thinking or feeling about it? Even things like drinking, eating, smoking, movements of the body... basically anything. (I don't even know if I would be typing this right now, I just don't fucking know anything!). It's like I don't trust my mind anymore cause there is no thought or feeling behind any decision so I don't know what's right or wrong.
And also all I "remember" or what comes back to my mind are memories from the past, it just comes and goes... ALL THE TIME! like I used to be different but I can't even mimic the person I once was, cause I just DON'T KNOW!
There is no continuity in life. I don't remember what I did yesterday, so I don't know what to do today (if it makes sense). Like I need to call this person, do this, I am just simply existing and that's awful. It's like every day is a "new day", like I am stuck in the same moment and yet I am not even there to experience the moment.
I can't take care of myself, but can't even ask for help cause I don't know what I need basically... I don't know if I am hungry, thirsty, sleepy or what the hell I am suppose to do. There is no inner life in me, the analyzing part, the decision making part, just nothing.
I don't know how to talk to anyone, cause I have nothing to say (that's so unlike me) or I just don't know if I would normally say that or not.
I feel scared 24/7 but I don't even know what I am scared about. It's like my body is scared but my mind is not here. Feels like I am completely brain dead. It feels like an emergency all day long yet I can't even go somewhere and describe what is happening cause I am not "here". Ugh.
I don't have a self. I don't know who or what I am. It's like somebody wiped out 27 years of my life and all I am left with is "this".
Anybody?
But this wouldn't even be the most horrifying part... my brain is just numb... to everything. I don't remember anything about myself, what I liked, what I used to be like, my daily routine (shower, make up... anything basically), just nothing, I don't remember what happened an hour ago, I can't think, plan things (even the simpliest ones), daydream, visualize, my mind is just not with me, no matter what I do... It's like I became completely dumb or crazy, I can't even explain that...
I always feel beyond uncomfortable and yet I am not even here!!! I don't like staying by myself (I used to enjoy it before) and yet I don't like being with people most of the time cause I don't like the state I am in and it's hard to be around them in this state!
I keep questioning every movement (even the most simple ones), like would I normally do this or that? How would I decide? What would I be thinking or feeling about it? Even things like drinking, eating, smoking, movements of the body... basically anything. (I don't even know if I would be typing this right now, I just don't fucking know anything!). It's like I don't trust my mind anymore cause there is no thought or feeling behind any decision so I don't know what's right or wrong.
And also all I "remember" or what comes back to my mind are memories from the past, it just comes and goes... ALL THE TIME! like I used to be different but I can't even mimic the person I once was, cause I just DON'T KNOW!
There is no continuity in life. I don't remember what I did yesterday, so I don't know what to do today (if it makes sense). Like I need to call this person, do this, I am just simply existing and that's awful. It's like every day is a "new day", like I am stuck in the same moment and yet I am not even there to experience the moment.
I can't take care of myself, but can't even ask for help cause I don't know what I need basically... I don't know if I am hungry, thirsty, sleepy or what the hell I am suppose to do. There is no inner life in me, the analyzing part, the decision making part, just nothing.
I don't know how to talk to anyone, cause I have nothing to say (that's so unlike me) or I just don't know if I would normally say that or not.
I feel scared 24/7 but I don't even know what I am scared about. It's like my body is scared but my mind is not here. Feels like I am completely brain dead. It feels like an emergency all day long yet I can't even go somewhere and describe what is happening cause I am not "here". Ugh.
I don't have a self. I don't know who or what I am. It's like somebody wiped out 27 years of my life and all I am left with is "this".
Anybody?