[AnxiousGirl]

Hey everyone,

I don't know where to start, I'm so sad and lost and scared and sooooo dissociated, but i'll see where this leads to.
I've been suffering from dp/dr, anxiety, hypochondria,... for quite a long time. It'll be always be a part of my life, a part of me I guess. Trough the years I've had ups and downs. 2013/2016 were the "best" years I've had dissociation wise. However in 2016 I've crashed so hard due to a serious breakup and other factors. My life fell apart. I was getting more anxiety and dissociation attacks, like really really bad and because of that I've been having fears to go outside cause I was always having bad dissociation attacks when I was outside and already then I was having such a hard time and kinda locked myself up inside. I couldn't get a hold on the world anymore, I couldn't imagine me travelling anymore, sitting in a car, it was all just a big trip. I couldn't relate myself with life anymore.
However,
In December 2019 I've decided to take baby steps outside and it was pure hell but I didn't give up. I've also noticed my hypochondria was getting worser, I was getting also more physical symptoms and I was more at the doctors office then somewhere else. In january 2020 I woke up with a pain in my left side of my body and I've decided to go to ER. ( biggest mistake ) When I was there everything felt so surreal. Had to take a CT scan and they gave me some kind of fluids for the scan and I was freaking out it would let me lose control, also under that machine I was so in panic... The results were ok, except a little UTI... It happened so fast and before I knew they were there for giving me meds and I was freaking out cause I've always been so afraid of taking meds and I was getting more dissociated and I was reading the side effects while they were giving me the meds... So I was freaking out and preparing myself already for a hell of a week. I know it may sound silly or weird but I've been always having that with meds... When I was able to leave, I've stepped in the car and I've felt like I was still there, was there for few hours and like my brain couldn't process anything and also with the fact that I was under control of the meds I was putting everything on it... Back home, everything was surreal. Like really bad. I've felt like I've left my soul at the hospital, I could feel everything still so vivid.. My room was so fake everything. And I've went trough a hell of dissociation of me processing all of this. Since then I'm just screwed... I've managed to settle myself and snap a bit back to myself for a few days and on monday this week I was in bed and I've started to disssociate really bad again. To the point that when it was daylight I had to close the curtains again cause everything is so fake. I'm only able to fall asleep really late in the morning. I need to take extra xanax. Everyone here feels so fake and far away, I feel like I have no connection with myself anymore either, nor with my loved ones, no one. I feel like the only thing I feel is pure dissociation and nothing from myself anymore. No identity, nothing,..I try to find a way to cope with the dissociation but it's just impossible... I get smashed every single day with high levels of dissociation that I'm basically only surviving right now and feeling that I'll lose control any time. I feel like nowhere is safe for me. I've tried to cry but it doesn't help cause I'm so far away. I'm scared for what comes the next day, it's so intense and I don't come to myself anymore... It's sooooo scary. It's like I'm stuck in a nightmare, feel so nauseous, so weird... I'm really really really scared... like really. I'm screaming for help. I can't snap back cause my identity is gone right now, it'll be still there, but for now it disappeared and it's so hard to deal with that if you don't feel anything of yourself anymore...
I don't know what to do anymore, I feel so scared and smashed and I'm scared of everything...

Anyone?

Thank you for taking your time to read.
I feel really braindead.

Much love.

 

[AnnaGiulia]

AnxiousGirl, I am sorry that you feel this way, my heart goes to you, as I have been there.

I didn't pick up from your entry whether you are currently in therapy for your anxiety and DP, but I believe you are in such a situation that will not just resolve on its own, and that you could benefit from talking to someone about these symptoms.

I know that when I felt the way you do now, I felt reluctant to get help, as I somehow thought the situation will clear out by itself, but when anxiety and DP hit that hard, it is difficult to bounce back without therapy.

It will take time, but it will eventually get better!

 

[NomdeGuerra]

Always remember that u WILL be ok. It IS temporary no matter what u feel right now.

I Promise.

 

[Psyborg]

I am also a hypochondriac and I also have has those dissociation (including towards loved ones and memories) . what helped me was :

1. time

2. go to places where you have good memories . for example to a park where you have been with a good friend on a special day or whatever and then feel the moment and try to connect with any possible memory

3. hide a little ball (or whatever you want , can be a key , a sock ..doesnt matter) to a place and let a loved one see it and tell him/her to ask you after a few hours where the ball is and to give it to him/her . go to the place you hid it and take it and give it to the person

for me medication helped a lot . but it is your own decision if you want to take any

what I dont understand is how you can be afraid of meds but take xanax at the same time

 

[AnxiousGirl]

@AnnaGiulia Thank you for the encouraging words. I’ve been having dp/dr from since I was really young. i’ve been also having a therapist for years and without him I don’t know if I would be still here. A lof of things have already happened in my life and last months were just too much.. especially after the hospital visit. I want more therapy since I feel like I really need to vent a lot because the symptoms are really intense, like you’ve said. The problem here in Belgium is, that therapy is so expensive and I don’t have any job since I’m not able to work... It’s crazy. My parents always insult me, don’t understand le. It’s really heavy. I feel so lost

 

[AnxiousGirl]

@NomdeGuerra

Thank you for your encouraging words. I feel like it's not stopping and I feel like giving up ...

 

[AnxiousGirl]

@psyborg thank you for your response and your advice and tips. I feel just so lost in dissociation that even I just drown in so many feelings and don’t know how to feel anymore. It’s been already really intense and I just can’t get out of the house anymore. ???? About the medication, I’ve had it with xanax too in the beginning. But then I got used to it. It’s always when I have to take something new, for the first time.

 

[AnnaGiulia]

@AnnaGiulia Thank you for the encouraging words. I've been having dp/dr from since I was really young. i've been also having a therapist for years and without him I don't know if I would be still here. A lof of things have already happened in my life and last months were just too much.. especially after the hospital visit. I want more therapy since I feel like I really need to vent a lot because the symptoms are really intense, like you've said. The problem here in Belgium is, that therapy is so expensive and I don't have any job since I'm not able to work... It's crazy. My parents always insult me, don't understand le. It's really heavy. I feel so lost

@AnxiousGirl, I understand.

You know when you are in therapy, and you do not seem to make a progress? And then something is being said, either by you or the therapist, and it somehow makes a difference for you? Since you have been in therapy, you must have had these moments, as you said that it helped you, so perhaps you can go back and remind yourself what was beneficial for you.

One time my therapist said something like: "Try to perceive what is wrong with this picture", meaning wrong with a particular situation, or with someone's behavior towards me, even wrong with the way I understand something. And I suddenly realized that, no matter how DP I feel, I am not just an object of my ruthless analysis, but I am a subject that can make a difference for herself, by perceiving what is wrong, and therefore acting upon it. I mentioned this because I can tell you that it is wrong from your parents to insult you, in any scenario. You deserve respect as a person!

You were on the right track, standing up for yourself, taking baby steps in your recovery, as you said. Do not let go of that aspect of yourself, because from all that you wrote about, I can tell you are a fighter. We all are, after all, carrying the load of a disorder that is difficult to explain, and difficult to live, but we still manage. It is sometimes difficult for other people to perceive, but our cry for help is never a sign of weakness, it is a manifestation of our strong desire to live and to get better. Go back to baby steps, make a schedule of your day, and try to go along with it. Just little things, nothing too ambitious. Be glad with every little thing that you manage to accomplish. Do not be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time. And it will get better, you know that it will!

 

[Psyborg]

@psyborg thank you for your response and your advice and tips. I feel just so lost in dissociation that even I just drown in so many feelings and don't know how to feel anymore. It's been already really intense and I just can't get out of the house anymore. About the medication, I've had it with xanax too in the beginning. But then I got used to it. It's always when I have to take something new, for the first time.

I had these things too . but they are mostly gone . dont worry you will recover . dont stress yourself . it is like a jail where you have to sit your time but it will end

xanax is addicting . it is not a med that you should take often. if you want to take other medications or not is up to you but me personally I am happy that I am taking zyprexa right now for example

 

[AnxiousGirl]

@psyborg I also take zyprexa! How much do you take a day and when? Thank you x

 

[Psyborg]

I take 7.5mg at night . what about you ?

does it not help you ? how long have you been taking it ?