Hi, I can very much relate. For me, I don´t think I have been through anything severly traumatic, but I believe my symptoms were triggered throughout my teenage years and have stayed with me into adulthood (along with anxiety). I couldn´t put a finger on what it was, but I felt and feel disconnected from myself and the world around me, like everything is a bit hazy and odd somehow. Alien, in a way. Like I am just an observer, someone peaking in through a window looking in. Like I´m a side character in my own life and existence. Or like I exist in a bubble, or like a ghost. And in me, like you, I can feel very weird looking at my hands and such, as if they aren´t my hands. As if the one looking back at me in the mirror is a stranger, though rationally I know that it´s me. But my experience of myself and my surroundings is hazy, like a dream.
I don´t feel scared though, because I´m kind of used to it. I feel like I´ve been like this forever. I´m not sure why. It does affect my emotions and my relationships with others and myself, my identity and sense of self. I feel like everyone else are alive and I´m just in the background, somehow. Like I said, peaking in through the window. It´s a very strange feeling and I thought I was the only one for the longest time. I feel disconnected from my emotions, like I should feel more, whatever situation I´m in, I think that I should feel more than I do, somehow. But then, if there is a situation where I´m experiencing a lot of emotions, I feel overwhelmed and somehow even more like it´s a dream! Strange, isn´t it? Like when my boyfriend hugs me and I´m happy, but it´s like I experience that happiness at a distance, if that makes sense. Like it´s faded.
Man, it´s hard to describe all these things... But perhaps you can relate to it. I just wish I could be shaken and wake up somehow, from this state of being. Even though it doesn´t scare me and I´m aware that this might be a condition, it´s still affecting my experience of existence in a way I wish was different... I wish I felt more connected to myself, my surroundings and the people around me. I honestly think it´s affecting me a lot, and I´m sure it´s the same for you. I´m sorry you´re going through this... At least you know you´re not alone and hopefully you can find ways to connect and ground yourself again.