[M A R S]

My back is fucked up again. The slipped disk that made my winter hell and ultimately brought on my latest bout of DP has returned. I cant sleep, i cant walk, i cant sit.. its madness. Ill can do is drink.

I went to see a Dr. who was so uncompassionate it was shocking. The prick told me to take Advil for my DISK! WTF! I told him i suffer from panic and anxiety as well and that i felt unreal, he told me to take zoloft and rest for 3 days. Thats BULL SHIT. Im trying so hard not to the ER and have my self committed, but i need relief.

Im going to just sit in my bed and go crazy. Im trying so hard to be positive and i'm reading a good book to help me with my issues, but its simply just not working.

I know i'm going to end up in the ER soon. I have UNREAL feelings, i feel like in a dream. I was taking Buspar and shit was a total flop.

Why the hell cant i just get some thing to help me get past this hell i'm in. My leg is numb and in pain my back is so broken i cant walk. You see how my whole body is tilted to one side.

Im having none stop panic attacks that last for days. I feel like i'm in a trance. Its just not right to have to live like this.

The Dr. i saw was such as dick, my Psych tells me to quit drinking and take some shit antidepressant that makes my dick go limp.

WHY DOES GOD HATE ME? Some people say why do you freak out, or just get over it..

Since 1995, My Mother and 2 of my brothers have died. I herniated a disk in my back, I cant work. Im poor, I'm in pain 24/7 for mouths at a time. Since i cant work and cant walk some times i have put on 110 extra pounds in a few years. This in turn gave me Diabetes!

I sit in my room and have repetitive and obsessive thoughts that i don't know who i am any more and that my room is not real, my wife is not real. I go fro a drive and the world looks strange.

I cant walk, I CANT SLEEP, I CANT STAND i'm in amazing and brutal pain. Im talking ADVIL for it..

All i can is drink for my pain and that makes shit so much worse. I THINK 2005 is the worst year of my life. I have lost all self confidence, i lost all of my skills and i lost who i am. I cant look at my self in the mirror any more. I cant stand the sound of my own voice any more. I freak out all the time. noting is real at all and i feel like I'm ready to just become a phantom.

I don't even know for sure if I'm typing all this out now..

This is all it is now...

 

[livinginhell333]

umm yea. i feel the same way you do as well. but seriously what would they do in the er? they don't know how your feeling. there just gonna give you drugs and crap and plus you have to pay money, but if u really have to go then do what you want. i don't know what to tell you, cuz i don't know what to tell myself anymore.

 

[M A R S]

The only thing they can give is drugs, THATS WHAT I NEED.. and the ER is free for me. I don't have to pay a dime. I don't want to go, but ill just have to drink till i pass out.

This life is hell. I could deal with the anxiety if i had no pain, i could deal with the DP if i could go for a walk. I could work with the pain if had no anxiety or DP. But all of this is just to much. Im having a full breakdown.

 

[Imagine]

The only thing they would do for you is what the done for me, give you some benzos and send you packing with a frown on their faces.

 

[MrMortgage]

God doesnt hate you man. Dont give up bro, I've been there. Dang I dont know what to say.....

 

[Scattered]

I'm not sure if people really have been there. You're situation seems desperate and doesn't seem to be getting any better. I think that any attempt to simple "allow this to pass" will only make the situation worse. I'm not sure if you are suicidal but if you don't get help and you're situation continues to degrade it seems as if you may become suicidal. I think that if the ER is free and will be able to administer the drugs you need to relax and dull the pain then you should definately go to the ER.

I don't think you have to necessarily commit yourself. You just have to go there as an acute emergency to get whatever care you need to get. If you believe this is becoming more than you can take, dont allow people to tell you to just get over it, or just relax and let it pass. Do what you have to do to get the care you need, even if that means turning yourself over to doctors who may be able to provide the care you're lacking. I hope all is well and you start to feel better soon.

 

[M A R S]

Im not suicidal, im just deeply freaked out and afraid. I feel like im on ACID all the time. Some days i can take it, but tonight is so bad.. its massive and fearful.

 

[peacedove]

I used to go to the ER for xanax quite often. I'd be hysterical and crying and pacing around, freakin' out. The xanax definitely helped. And now I feel more at ease when I know there's a hospital nearby in case I freak out.

From what you describe of your home life, I think spending some time in a mental hospital could help you. I myself would admit myself, but I'm afraid of losing my job... it took me so long to get on the right track in life and I don't want to fuck it up. Even though I don't feel any better having a job like normal people.

Be aware though that if you do go to the mental hospital they are very likely to give you an antidepressant that will make your dick go limp... although when my boyfriend was in there he got a med that gave him a hard on for hours and wouldn't go away... but that wasn't pleasant for him either. To counteract sexual side effects Wellbutrin is supposed to help, you might want to ask a doc for it. Wait that's not also called Buspar is it? Shit I don't know, have you told your doc about the sexual probs??

But anyways, if you go to the mental hospital you will have structure, group therapy to talk about these problems you're having... maybe you would even get physical therapy for your back. They will probably prescribe you Klonopin or something similar when you describe your panic. And that I'm sure will bring some relief, not a cure but relief at least. And maybe they'll give you something better than advil for pain... I'm sure they will if you go to the ER for it.

So I say go for it. The ER or straight to the mental hospital. If you go to the ER for a panic attack or explain your unreal feelings they will probably have someone from the mental hospital come evaluate you and ask what kind of help you think you need(like being commited or receiving outpatient counseling if you're not already). At least that's what they do here in Illinois. Or they'll just commit you whether you like it or not if you say you're gonna kill yourself or someone else.

Good luck. I hope you start feeling better soon. I can't imagine what you are going through. DP plus diabetes plus a slipped disc?! DP alone sends me to the ER. Please let us know how u are doing.

 

[Imagine]

It's been so bad for me also man. For the past week I have been sleeping more than 16 hours a day. Just to escape.

Just... to.. escape.

 

[M A R S]

I'm freaking out.. But ill never go inpatient that's crazy. Ill just sit in my room and cry until i can get a real Dr. to give me meds. I WANT Xanax or any benzo so bad. I know it will help me, but they just wont give because i told them all i drink to much.

 

[shadowness]

i can really understand the frustration and anxiety you are having with so much pain and dp...

i have chronic joint pains due to pain syndrome and dislocating/hyperextending joints through the whole of my body...a panic and generalized anxiety disorder with dp and dr...

i cannot take pain killers for the tremendous pain i am in all day every day...and there are no meds i can take for the anxiety disorders or for the dp and dr...just have to either grin and bare it or ignore it all somehow...

i can relate a lot to what you are saying...

i too cannot sleep with the pain...i cannot walk or sit without it all being so painful and uncomfortable...

but i cannot drink to see if that will help me...and i know that in the long run it would not help me in the slightest...i used to have a drink problem and now do not touch alcohol at all...

the only thing i can suggest is to stop the drinking (which i know is hard from personal experience) and then you can take the Xanax or any benzos if that is still what you think is right for you...if you want to take them so badly then you need to stop the drinking i am afraid...again i know that ca be hard...

God does not hate you...God does not make these things happen...and your life is in your own hands...try and be strong...just keep trying...

take care of yourself and i hope things start to work out for you....i know it is hard...and it is all so overwhelming...

i send you best wishes and luck...

 

[widescreened]

Give up drinking.It will fcuk everything up horribly.Endure a week of detox without a drink.it might only take a couple of days.Drink will absolutely ruin any hope or chance of recovery.Good luck to you

 

[boohoo]

Spaceplex, how long have you been feeling like that? I have been there in my worst time, but it only lasted a few days when it was as severe as you describe. Please seek help, there must be something for you to take, surely?

 

[M A R S]

I have had this bout of DP for 3 months. But some days its bad. This past 2 days has been real bad.

I have dad this in the past, in 1998 i was this bad. It lasted about 4 months.

 

[boohoo]

Spaceplex, is it starting to pass off at all today? I've been really bad today. I hope you're feeling a bit better

 

[M A R S]

if 10 was yesterday , today is 7. Today for thee first time in a mouth im going to see my brother. This is a 40 mile each way trip and its freaking me out to go alone.

 

[M A R S]

I had massive DP and panic the whole way there. Also the pain in my back was extreme. Once i got there my brother saw the distress in my face and insisted i take a Valium. With in 30 i felt like 70% of my problems were lifted for the first time in 3 months. It was shocking. Sure i was not 100% but so much better. I found my self with minor DP but little to no fear about it.

I'm going to INSIST my Dr. or my Psych give me a med like that. If they don't ill move on and find some one new. I'm so mad that this is all it would have taken to some of this mental pain away and i have been denied it.

I found my self having a some what positive day. Telling jokes and feeling part of my family for the first time since june...