To only care about what I care about. To not care about my narcissistic mother, who certainly didn't care about me.
Even what I thought was my embarrassment and shame about myself, I think is actually fear or shame about being selfish, about having individual thoughts, feelings, desires that are unique to me and not that of others.
Right now I can only call it 'selfishness', because that's the only way I can grasp it, the concept of self-interest, simply being concerned about my self personally, first- a living organism, a sentient being, a person, a human. Using this label, that I heard over and over and over, fine I will wear it proudly now. The 'S' word.
What the fuck does my mother think she is, she is being even more selfish herself. I only wanted to do for myself, to be left alone-I wasn't imposing on anyone else. On the other hand she was running all over me, imposing her will and shoving it down my throat, completely steamrolling over my sense of self. Depersonalization.
Selfishness. Self. If I can't be selfish, then I can't be myself.
I deserved to be left alone, if nothing else at all. Left to develop naturally into my own being that I was. Just a kid. Let me want what I want!
If I love, then it's I who loves. There's always 'I', no matter how much you wanted it otherwise. You never wanted me to be an individual, to live for myself. You wanted someone to do your every bidding, to live for you. Bullshit!!
I can barely be myself even now, how can I be myself if I don't even know what I want? If I don't know how things feel TO ME? If I can live for myself?
At least I realize all this now, how, how much I was brainwashed, programmed for you, and how wrong this all is.
What would I have done, had I been allowed to live for myself? Who would I have become? What would I like? What would I dream? Now I can find out, because I am calling the spade a spade.