[fingertingle]

A day in the life.

Today in history class we were supposed to do 3 things I find virtually impossible. 1) Get into groups and discuss 2) the clear picture in our minds 3) brought about when we read a story.

To extrapolate:

1) Cannot communicate with others. Look autistic or retarded.
2) Do not have clear pictures forming in my mind from academic text.
3) I can't fucking read anymore!

One girl in my group asked what I thought, I told her I didn't read. She looked at me like I was [retarded] and said, "Well.. neither did I, but.." [implying I should have some input into what was being talked about]

I wanted to let it all out on her. Why do I not have an answer? Maybe because I can't fucking think. I don't feel like I'm here. The only thing that is reminding me of my existence is the frustration you're causing me in ripping me from my comfort zone and reminding me that I'm incompetent.

But I just said, "Hm." Or maybe I said nothing. Maybe I just looked at her. At that moment, I really wanted to cry. I think about this all day, every day, but I hate when OTHER PEOPLE have to remind me of it.

I was slightly amused when her answer turned out to be, "The guy in the store was representative of the white settler doing his white settler thing."

I hate my school. The classes are small and its constant group work. Class participation counts. I'm transferring asap.

In other news. I feel totally brain dead. It is getting worse and worse. Listening to this statistics lecture is making me feel suddenly foreign.

 

[Guest]

The only thing that is reminding me of my existence is the frustration you're causing me in ripping me from my comfort zone and reminding me that I'm incompetent.

Can't think?

That sentence above is probably a more articulate, efficient and powerful expression than anything little "white settler thing..." could write on a good day.

We CAN think in these states. But when we are highly frustrated and angry and feeling more and more alienated and without Meaning, we turn ourselves inside out and our attention drifts and we lose our ability to FAKE it the way we used to. We then define that as "cannot think!"

Your mind is excellent, my friend. You are clearly very intelligent, and you're able to communicate your emotional content succinctly yet dramatically.

Make whatever changes you need in classes, in your life, etc. to reduce frustration while you endure this dp mess. You are not losing your mind, nor your cognition. You just dont' have it in you to fake it right now.

Peace,
Janine

 

[fingertingle]

Thanks.
It's more a problem of speaking. Writing is easier because I take my time.