[Al_pk]

I cannot stop thinking back to before all this happened and I was well and happy with life. I get constant snippets of emotional memories that for some reason seem to encapsulate my essence when I was well:

a good moment with an old lover.

The feeling of raw physicality I used to possess.

The feeling of deep, deep relaxation sat in the garden after a hard day at work, knowing your job was done.

the happy moment your head hits the pillow and your mind naturally flows into its' dream state.

It's been so long since I felt anything other than terror. When I walk around in town I people watch indiscriminately and marvel at the beautiful simplicity of their minds and lives (I assume, I know everyone has problems). I even found myself walking past a field thinking I would do anything to trade places with that cow.

Even though I love my brother I almost hate being around him now because we used to be such a good double team, and now I feel like a patient with 0 personality, 0 mental flexibility, sunken, defeated..

Then the voice comes in and tells me that kind of simple life is beyond me now and fear is all I'll ever know, the panic rises.

I tell myself God does not give us a load greater than we can bear, and make a pact with myself to stay alive, at least another day

wake, rinse and repeat

 

[forestx5]

Tomorrow, today will be in your past. You'll have new material.

 

[mkeshish]

I completely understand the feeling. I used to be emotionally connected to simple things; seeing a field and thinking of laying and looking up at the sky, seeing old houses that had beauty and a soul (I sound very hippie and little house on the prairie with these descriptions!)

Now it is hard to evoke those feelings. I miss the magic in them. And I watch other people living their lives and think the same as you.

But- I've gone through this before. I'm trying to remember that. And I found my way out and I found beauty again. Besides meds (for me I need to control my anxiety and ocd), learning to live in the present is huge with the disease. Thinking about how you should feel or used to feel only makes us more anxious and upset. Find one thing that gives you any enjoyment. The thought of your brother, just wanting to hang with him and having him in your life. Eventually, you can find your way out and live in light again. It feels impossible but you can do it. If you think about it this way, you've probably spent more of your life not thinking this way than thinking this way, so this is a blip in your overall life. I have faith you can get back. Xxx

 

[Al_pk]

boy, was I on a downer when I wrote this.

It's not hippie! these are the things that make life worth living.

It is so hard to watch so much life fly by without ever being truly engaged or feeling truly connected. You're right that I spend far too much time focussing on how I should be feeling, but I enjoy very little anymore. 'how should I be feeling' has become an intrusive thought, along with people watching. I can never just sit and be, the mind is always on the go, watching people live their lives and analysing every aspect. Never comfortable in my own head.

I have so much to overcome but just wanna be at the finish line already, like why do I have to do this again.

Thank you for your words, I do remind myself it's been 1 year out of 28 and it does help from that perspective xx

 

[mkeshish]

We all have days where we are more down than others! It’s so hard To not think “I used to be like...” or thinking the I should thoughts. Then you get wrapped up in that and things become even more depressing :/ I’m here to talk!!

 

[eddy1886]

If you take your head out of the past you will stop being depressed...

If you take your head out of the future you will stop being anxious...

The Solution Is Simple...Live mentally in the HERE and NOW....The PRESENT is the only time in our lives we can alter so live in it.....

Of course when we are in full blown DP panic thats literally impossible...SO when we are feeling better in ourselves thats when we need to apply the principle of living in the present....

I just figure regrets are at the source of all depression and living with our heads in the future is just wishing our lives away anxiously...

JUST BE...IN THE NOW..........Its so cliche but it works wonders for our mental health.......

 

[Al_pk]

Thank you guys.

Eddy I have been trying my hardest to live in the present but at the moment but it is just so hard with my existential anxieties... I don't really have control of my mind or thoughts. There is always something to say, some notion or comment for me to be freaked out over. I am maybe at 50% of what I was at my worst which is not really enough to be in the flow, and I still lack emotions which hinders my ability to get involved in something.

You're right that regrets cause problems and right now my regret is living with this mess and thinking 'If I'd only done that when I had the chance" "if only I treated myself better instead of all the late nights" etc.

If I had a day with no thoughts at all, just moving and doing, wow how great that would be.

Today I started up an old hobby of mine, kind of lame geek stuff, but I figure manual things is a way I can be out of my head more, and maybe I will have something to show for my recovery.

Hope you guys are well, weather's beautiful at least

 

[santi123]

Hey AI_pk,

I stumbled upon your post and I get what you mean completely.
The good times you had, the relationships you had. Everything seemed so great and perfect before until it was taken away.

Something that triggers me the most is when I see people smoking cannabis and doing a great load of damages to their brains, but they do not have the same adverse effects like we do. They do not start developing a mental disorder, they just live their normal lifes and continue harming themselves.

 

[lalalauren123]

I just came across this post, too. Actually gives me hope to hear people feeling the same way I do. And beautifully worded might I add!

 

[Al_pk]

Hey Santi,

I dropped this post in May last year and to be honest, I still feel like this a lot of the time. However I have mostely ditched ruminating on the old times and sort of resolved to fight to the end against DP in 2020. This involves working again, building up my fitness and I will be going on a 4 day anxiety recovery retreat.

I agree weed triggers me. I understand not everyone has adverse reactions but I cannot abide when people defend weed as being harmless (usually comparing to alcohol), ignoring the fact that ambulances in California are backed up with teens experiencing acute psychotic episodes because of the stuff. Weed is dangerous and I will always speak out against it.

Lalalauren,

My heart truly goes out to you feeling like this. It is the worst thing ever to overcome still being a sentient being but trapped and knowing you have lost your life. I never imagined anything like this happening to me. But these are the cards that have been dealt and there is a way to win. Don't give up my dear.

 

[eddy1886]

Thank you guys.

Eddy I have been trying my hardest to live in the present but at the moment but it is just so hard with my existential anxieties... I don't really have control of my mind or thoughts. There is always something to say, some notion or comment for me to be freaked out over. I am maybe at 50% of what I was at my worst which is not really enough to be in the flow, and I still lack emotions which hinders my ability to get involved in something.

You're right that regrets cause problems and right now my regret is living with this mess and thinking 'If I'd only done that when I had the chance" "if only I treated myself better instead of all the late nights" etc.

If I had a day with no thoughts at all, just moving and doing, wow how great that would be.

Today I started up an old hobby of mine, kind of lame geek stuff, but I figure manual things is a way I can be out of my head more, and maybe I will have something to show for my recovery.

Hope you guys are well, weather's beautiful at least

Interesting creative hobbies that grab us and keep us distracted and interested are of great help to recovery...

If your hobby is a chore to you you are just gonna tune out and guess what????? ....Dissociate again......

Thats what Dissociation is....Tuning Out from Stuff we dislike..................Do stuff you KNOW you like....