you know martin.. you and i have been through alot of crap in our pasts that probably has a huge hand in it too. like.. weve had points in our lives where weve just about lost it all, major drama major trauma. shat hitting the fan and all that. i know how fleeting everything is.. so im reckless with everything. and its not all about enjoyment either. for me its about doing what I want and f#ck the consequences. it used to be about disgusting illegal evil stuff. now that im all cleaned up its about doing nice sweet things but too obsessively. for instance my aunt got me into crocheting recently which at the time seemed like a good thing for me except i have like 30 different projects going at once. none of them get finished i know thats ADD but the obsessive part is that once i get an idea in my head i HAVE TO DO IT right then and there. i dont say.. oh i can do that tomorrow or when im done with whats in front of me. i have to do it RIGHT NOW!!! its like i have a wild horn in my arse not just a wild hair. the bad part is that it controls me like a drug and criples my day to day life.
i cant stop myself!
lately ive been doing pretty good on the mental stuff. depression virtually gone, anxiety high but not keeping me from reaching my goals, i still have DR just as bad but ive accepted it as a handicap and work around it. i recently sold my car (i compulsively bought this huge mercury marque a few months ago but the damn thing was a lemon and i couldnt afford the insurance).
yesterday i see this old bomb for sale and since i love old cars i just had to have it even though i knew i couldnt. i drew out the money and called the lady this morning to look at it. i was all prepared to buy this thing i would have bought it without even looking it over luckily my mom was with me. she was disgusted. all the valves were shot the engine looked like the ******** it would take at least another 5 grand to get it in any shape for driving. but even so i didnt care i still wanted it and me and my mom got into this huge fight. long story short i ended up walking home in a full blown jibberish crying fit. i blamed everything on her. but the heart of the problem was my insatiable compulsiveness.
if i see something i want i HAVE to have it. even if it takes me cutting off a finger or a toe.. im gonna get it. its like this raging inferno that can only be quenched by the object i desire. it doesnt even matter if i need it or not. i buy so much crap that i dont need the only reason im not in financial trouble is because i buy just that. CRAP. cheap garbage. salvation army junk. dead people clothes. crap. but i cant stop myself. all this junk piles up in bags i dont even do anything with it once i have it so whats the point?
i feel like a druggie looking for my next fix. i try all kinds of self talk but it doesnt help when im in that state of mind.
yesterday i see this old bomb for sale and since i love old cars i just had to have it even though i knew i couldnt. i drew out the money and called the lady this morning to look at it. i was all prepared to buy this thing i would have bought it without even looking it over luckily my mom was with me. she was disgusted. all the valves were shot the engine looked like the ******** it would take at least another 5 grand to get it in any shape for driving. but even so i didnt care i still wanted it and me and my mom got into this huge fight. long story short i ended up walking home in a full blown jibberish crying fit. i blamed everything on her. but the heart of the problem was my insatiable compulsiveness.
if i see something i want i HAVE to have it. even if it takes me cutting off a finger or a toe.. im gonna get it. its like this raging inferno that can only be quenched by the object i desire. it doesnt even matter if i need it or not. i buy so much crap that i dont need the only reason im not in financial trouble is because i buy just that. CRAP. cheap garbage. salvation army junk. dead people clothes. crap. but i cant stop myself. all this junk piles up in bags i dont even do anything with it once i have it so whats the point?
i feel like a druggie looking for my next fix. i try all kinds of self talk but it doesnt help when im in that state of mind.
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