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i cant stop myself!

940 Views 4 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  Martinelv
lately ive been doing pretty good on the mental stuff. depression virtually gone, anxiety high but not keeping me from reaching my goals, i still have DR just as bad but ive accepted it as a handicap and work around it. i recently sold my car (i compulsively bought this huge mercury marque a few months ago but the damn thing was a lemon and i couldnt afford the insurance).

yesterday i see this old bomb for sale and since i love old cars i just had to have it even though i knew i couldnt. i drew out the money and called the lady this morning to look at it. i was all prepared to buy this thing i would have bought it without even looking it over luckily my mom was with me. she was disgusted. all the valves were shot the engine looked like the ******** it would take at least another 5 grand to get it in any shape for driving. but even so i didnt care i still wanted it and me and my mom got into this huge fight. long story short i ended up walking home in a full blown jibberish crying fit. i blamed everything on her. but the heart of the problem was my insatiable compulsiveness.

if i see something i want i HAVE to have it. even if it takes me cutting off a finger or a toe.. im gonna get it. its like this raging inferno that can only be quenched by the object i desire. it doesnt even matter if i need it or not. i buy so much crap that i dont need the only reason im not in financial trouble is because i buy just that. CRAP. cheap garbage. salvation army junk. dead people clothes. crap. but i cant stop myself. all this junk piles up in bags i dont even do anything with it once i have it so whats the point?

i feel like a druggie looking for my next fix. i try all kinds of self talk but it doesnt help when im in that state of mind.
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SB, I can empathise with this.

A big problem with my personality is impulsiveness. It has got me into all sorts of scrapes, including problems with money, my divorce, excessive boozing. I always 'live for the moment', regardless of the consequences. Some people attribute it, in my case, to depression, and therefore my reckless desire to be constantly entertained to fend off the boredom and obsessional misery. I'm not so sure. I just think it's a shitty part of my personality that either I come to terms with, or live with. There is also the idea that obsessive and reckless impulsiveness may be linked to unconscious desires for self-destruction, but again, I'm not so sure. I tend to think that the most simple answer is usually the correct one, and everything else is just bluster to make us feel better. But who knows. Psychopathology is a complicated beast.

I don't think it's particually uncommon anwyay, especially with people who have neurotic conditions like us. In fact, everyone is impulsive and reckless once in a while, it's just a matter of degrees.
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I think I was born slightly neurotic, and my druggy days just exaccerbated it. Sure, my parents split up when I was a kid, and probably I've got some tediously buried problems about it, but I don't care. My recent trauma's are, mostly, due to my severely low boredom threshold and the need to blot out divorce/bereavements etc with booze. But I'm not a total fuck-up...luckily I can still function at a high level, get good jobs, charm the ladies with my one redeeming feature - the ability to create spontaneous and believable bullshit on the spot, and I make friends easily. Keeping hold of all these wonderfull things is my problem. Considering that I'm not stupendously intelligent, handsome or rich, I've had a pretty charmed life, without (to my knowledge) really trying. So I'm, not bitter, really.

I tend to think that people who are recklessly impulsive are those that think in black and white. Good and bad. I know I do. There is very little middle ground in my decision making, which is probably why I (we) do things without thinking of the possible consequences.
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