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Seriously, I don't know how I can deal with this. At this point it just feels like i have an extreme case of pure-O with no more dp cause obsessions are so overwhelming.

For more than two years now I've been obsessed with my mental processes. It is bad everyday, except for some random days of relief.

At first, it was mostly about my inner voice. I was thinking things like "How can I hear my thoughts in my head'' and stuff similar to that thought. I questioned nearly everything from the human body to the infinite sky and space above me.

Now for some reason I can't stop being startled by the fact that I can see pictures in my mind. Everytime I voluntarily or involuntarily create a picture in my mind (with my imagination or memory) and i'm aware of it, I get scared. I get a jolt of fear in my stomach, like my guts are being squeezed or something. The kind of feeling you have when you've been surprised by someone behind you who just shouted. I don't need to think a thought to feel the fear. There's no question in words like ''how do I see pictures in my mind'' or ''how is it that I can picture ANYTHING I want in my mind'', even though I also think those thoughts a lot. I literally get scared by being aware of my thinking (mostly thinking in pictures). The fear feels coded in my brain and it feels like I can't do shit about it. I get waves of fear after waves of fear until I feel exhausted or reach a near-panic state.

Very often i'm wondering if my mind right now is working the same way as before (before dp), if I've always had the same mental processes. Did I have an inner voice before? Did I count the same way in my head, picturing the numbers and playing with them? Did I was picturing things like this? Then I rationalize and think it's impossible for the mind to work differently. It is just as it is. It works the same way for every human being. Then I think SO WHY DOES IT FEEL SO STRANGE, NEW, WEIRD, ODD, DIFFERENT, ALIEN, OFF!? Why can't I calm down!? Why can't I feel human and totally normal if nothing changed at all about my mind!? It's like my brain convinced itself that thinking is weird and is reacting to it. Like I discovered it for the first time and now it matters and I should freak out. Like i'm an alien soul who just fell in a human body with a human brain.

What am I supposed to do then??? I can't apply CBT techniques because it's not thoughts that scare me, it's just being and being aware of the strangeness of my thinking. And can't just ''let it go'' and ''observe my thoughts'' when it's just being aware of them that scares me!

I think the sense of doubt of not being certain that my mind works the same way as before keeps the obsessions going. I can look at pictures to confirm that the trees, sky, my own family, places, my friends...are the same as before, even though I feel like Alice in Wonderland, but I can't be sure 100% that my thinking is the same. I can't think about the way I used to think. It's probably the worst thing to obsess about, cause it makes you scared of yourself and your own consciousness.

Are you feeling the same way? I don't see many people having this particular problem. What are you thinking?
 

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YES, you did have an Inner monologue, I am nearly certain.

You sound like you are very much in the loop that I talk about.

I had this at the start, but honestly looking out helped this, just thinking what was in front of me and distraction is the only thing i can tell you, it's very hard to practice, i know CBT but it's thinking about thinking. I or no one else can really help you with this if you want the honesty, i can't train you until you loose these thoughts, it's a very personal journey. It takes a lot of soaking up every moment, distraction constantly and one day the record stops. It feels like it never will..

I use to walk into a bar and think anxiety thoughts like 'everyone is looking at me'.. 'i feel different' ... ' they can see it' ... 'this guy i am talking to know's i am not myself'.... 'i feel different' .... the examples go on. Now I don't question any of that for a second.

It's really a practice thing, eventually your mind stops reinforcing how you feel or think, i am not DP free but I am well over all the things you mention, I never go into a situation anymore and think any O thoughts, but it took a lot of distraction until it was not even a matter of detraction, it was that I got it totally out of my thoughts. TOTALLY.

It will come, but it only comes or did for me with a lot of 'it's fine' and thinking of exactly what was in front of me...

EG. a bar.. instead of thinking, it's ' oh look at him ' or ' look at her ' or whatever, i dunno how to really explain this better than i simply stopped listening to my thoughts
 

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Before your dpdr, you did have an inner voice and an inner monologue. But of course, you were within it, rather than observing it and being afraid of it.
Your field of consciousness was filled with this inner voice/monologue; now it's filled with this fear of metacognition (thinking about thinking).

Your inner voice is still yours, and it's still within you, but it's buried underneath this fear of metacognition.
It's the age old fight flight response, where our immediate fear becomes our focus. Only the fear is not a direct physical threat, but the brain perceives it as such.

The only way to stop it is allow your brain to see that it's not a threat. Once this happens, your inner voice can return.
 

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I m happy u recoverd n ..can u tell How u get ur inner monolgue and mind eye back.
What medicine u r taking?
Wht u really did to cope with this n overcome it.
How long it been ur suffering from dpdr.

Ur thought process back now?

Can you pls share with us
I have exact same symptoms
And thre is no medicine i m responding too
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
@diddeny : I've had dp for almost 3 years now. I am not recovered at all, i still have a long way to go. I'm not taking any medicine now but I used to take Zoloft, helped a little bit but made me fat (took 30 pounds in a few months). I'm coping by playing video games mostly, nothing else makes me forget the obsessions. When i'm playing I am not aware of my thinking so I feel ok. I never lost mental imagery and my inner voice. On the contrary, they feel way too ''invasive'' and ''loud''. They don't feel like mine. I'm just a spectator of weird stuff going on in my head.

@derrrr I agree with what you say. My main obsession now though is about thinking in pictures, not my inner voice. I've never lost my mental processes. I feel like I have too much of them. The problem is that I don't how to make my brain stop seeing metacognition as a threat. The fear is automatic and feeding itself. I tried a lot of things. I'm exposed to my thoughts everyday obviously, but the fear never goes away, even though I try to stay calm and remind myself that there's nothing wrong with me.

@CK1 Yes, i'm clearly in a loop of obsession. I'm trying to get out of my head I swear but I can't break the bubble that is dp. I feel like i'm only thoughts most of the time. Even though I talk to people or do activities i'm always somewhere in a corner of my consciousness, being aware of myself while pretending to have fun and not being terrified. It's like a sore tooth that I can't stop poking with my tongue.

Thanks for your responses. Sometimes I have a break from obsessions for a few days but now it just feels terrible.
 
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