Seriously. It's been almost 3 years now and I can't seem to accept this part of the disorder. People don't look like pieces of meat, it doesn't feel like i'm going to fall in the sky, i got used to my human body and movements, animals and plants seem familiar. You could say the DR doesn't freak me out anymore. The DP though...it's another story.
Every second of the day, i'm totally bewildered by my thought processes and it generates insane amounts of anxiety. I can't shake the feeling of strangeness that I have observing my own thoughts. I don't feel like they are my thoughts anymore. It's just a thing that I observe. I don't ask questions (with my inner voice) anymore such as ''where do thoughts come from'', ''what's my inner voice'', ''how can I imagine anything in my head''. I just observe and get scared, because consciousness feels very strange and unfamiliar. The same way people don't really ask questions when they find humans strange with DR. They just find them strange and anxiety rises...Waves after waves until they have a panic attack.
It constantly feels like i'm experiencing consciousness for the first time. Logically I've had the same thought processes all my life before dp right? I was seeing pictures in my head while reading books as a kid. I was using visualization to masturbate and plan things. I was using my inner voice to read quietly and analyze my environment. Why can't I accept this reality now without freaking out? I'm constantly wondering why people don't think about that stuff. We have pictures and words floating (sometimes tastes, sounds and sensations) inside our head and nobody stops one second to ponder it. They are convinced they ARE their thoughts and they never learned to perceive them from an exterior point of view. It feels like everybody is so freaking naive. It really feels like I can't go back anymore because I had all those realizations about the nature of thoughts. I want to be naive too...not a philosopher. A normal young adult who worries about common things.
I feel alone in this sub-type of depersonalization and like i'm a lost case. I have a hard time relating to others' story.
Every second of the day, i'm totally bewildered by my thought processes and it generates insane amounts of anxiety. I can't shake the feeling of strangeness that I have observing my own thoughts. I don't feel like they are my thoughts anymore. It's just a thing that I observe. I don't ask questions (with my inner voice) anymore such as ''where do thoughts come from'', ''what's my inner voice'', ''how can I imagine anything in my head''. I just observe and get scared, because consciousness feels very strange and unfamiliar. The same way people don't really ask questions when they find humans strange with DR. They just find them strange and anxiety rises...Waves after waves until they have a panic attack.
It constantly feels like i'm experiencing consciousness for the first time. Logically I've had the same thought processes all my life before dp right? I was seeing pictures in my head while reading books as a kid. I was using visualization to masturbate and plan things. I was using my inner voice to read quietly and analyze my environment. Why can't I accept this reality now without freaking out? I'm constantly wondering why people don't think about that stuff. We have pictures and words floating (sometimes tastes, sounds and sensations) inside our head and nobody stops one second to ponder it. They are convinced they ARE their thoughts and they never learned to perceive them from an exterior point of view. It feels like everybody is so freaking naive. It really feels like I can't go back anymore because I had all those realizations about the nature of thoughts. I want to be naive too...not a philosopher. A normal young adult who worries about common things.
I feel alone in this sub-type of depersonalization and like i'm a lost case. I have a hard time relating to others' story.
