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Sorry for asking over and over again. I just try to find some help since professionals diagnosed me with OCD, potential psychosis though I only experienced DP due to stress and I dont know why I should be developping psychosis at all! I havent even done drugs this year or in my life at all!

It seems like either I push through or believe my mind which flipped over 4 months ago. I seriously feel like since this has started that Ive been destined to suicide.

So my mind is so unbelievably destructive and I am severely depressed, not that I dont want to do anything, rather cant imagine doing anything with these thoughts, more like intrusive feelings based on false beliefs.

Basically I recovered from DPDR this year, everything is as it used to be except for my mind. It is so worn out because the 6 months of DP were too much I guess. It is so worn out that I could convince myself that I died when DP hit me in February. There is nothing worse than no symptoms but still irrational thinking. It recently hit me with massive bouts of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. It feels like I shouldnt be here anymore.

4 months ago I thought suicide was an absurd thing (for me) and even during DP suicide didnt even cross my mind one single time. But now it feels like my worst imaginations came true and it is just pure mental pain.

Everything about future is triggering the hell out of me, I cant picture myself in the future anymore without thinking (maybe I might have killed myself by then?!), it is so difficult to even hold the place at university, but Ive already decided that I'd drop out.

It all changed in July where I had ups and downs but in the beginning of August these intrusive bouts of suicidal thoughts (like I hit a threshold and the only way out would be suicide, because it felt so terribly painful, like I was destined to suicide) hit me out of the blue and I suddenly became paranoid of time and future... It is not that I dont want to live anymore but my mind doesnt. It is strange...:( So basically it felt like my mind decided: your life is over now. This feeling freaked me out and days have been a struggle since then because it seriously felt like there is no way out but suicide. Since August everything triggers the feeling that I should be dead, even my hobby: drumming, music.

Biggest trigger: sounds hilarious, but it is the date. It seems like I hit some kind of threshold in August, since then, time triggers these suicidal feelings, like I am supposed to not be here anymore. Damn this is undescribable, even more than DPDR itself.

Most strange thing: IT FEELS LIKE I SHOULD HAVE DIED, SOME DARK FEELING WHICH EATS ME AND THAT I'D BE DESTINED TO SUICIDE! I have a really bad urge to feed in to these feelings even though I know Id made it worse...

I really have no clue how to recover from this hell. It feels like the only reason I feel like that is because I have a strong belief that something has to die or that something is very wrong with my mind.
 

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This doesnt sound like psychosis at all. The closest thing would be thoughts that you are dead, which is a somewhat common theme in psychosis, like nihilistic delusions and cotards syndrome. However derealization itself has been described in some literature as a “mini-cotard’s”. If you truly believe you died though, then yes that is delusional.
 

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I dont know, I just lived like as normal as possible, in July I had like ups and downs, I just lived in the future all the time because I couldnt stand the thoughts anymore, everytime I went outside I got thoughts like "Is this really my hometown as I knew it" which got me really depressed. And then I was partying in the last week of July, and then suddenly something switched overnight or no, the thought "that I cant stand life like that anymore" creeped in slowly and steadily until I layed in my bed and the thought overwhelmed me. But it seemed impossible to not listen to it and at the same time I felt so trapped, and felt like Id walk into a dark tunnel without escape.
 

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Please do not listen to those thoughts. Depression is a liar and cheat, it's like a parasite, and it is trying to dictate your life by telling you all of these nasty thoughts. Suicide is not the way out, and it is the darkness of the depression that is trying to convince you that you should have died (you should not have, you were destined to be here!).

Please do not stop going to the university, and do not stop drumming. Depression tries to convince you that nothing is worth doing, it tries to convince you to stop doing the things you love, to stop doing the things that help you push through it, and drives it into deeper darker waters. Be active, continue you drumming, go to the gym, stay at the university and power through the dark thoughts.

You can and will make it through this, do not give up! <3
 

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You will get over this. You don't know how but h will get back to recovery, just think of this as a temporary phase. You have to attempt to find the joy in life by going back to happy memories and doing things you really loved doing.

Lastly, there is some imbalance in your mind. Physical health, nutrition, physical activities, what you convince urself are all ingredients to our state of mind.

Please don't give in to your negative thoughts. You will get better and enjoy life again step by step.
 
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