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I don't have a job. I drink a little too much. I am starting to feel like cocaine is the only thing that can truly bring out the real me (who I love). I am a lazy, depressed, waste of space. I am a liar. I am slowly losing everything and everyone. Thankfully I'm not suicidal right now but I think it would be different if I weren't feeling so lazy and low. Yes, I'm too lazy to feel suicidal.

I was out partying for a couple of days and when I finally went home, slept it off for a couple of hours, my mom woke me up and told me that if I don't get a job and work things out with my dad, she's kicking me out. There's a problem, though. I can convince myself to get off my scrawny white ass and get a job but I can NOT befriend my father. We have had far too many insane fights with each other. My father and I have never been close, and have always argued about every little thing. Since I was a little kid I've been the one to hold "family meetings" because I wanted him to show me that he truly loves me. Never worked. I went over for Father's Day because I wanted to actually try and work things out. I actually went there thinking I could fix things between us, or at least make things a little better. Boy was I ever wrong and fucking idiotic. He is just so fucked up. He can't love and I hate that. It's not like he even tries. He gets angry and blows shit out of proportion and makes me feel like shit. My mother's tired of him emailing and calling her twice a day complaining about me, so I either have to fix things or get out. Why the hell would I try and fix things for the MILLIONTH time if it just takes all the progress I've made (may not be a lot of progress) and flushes it down the toilet. I'm supposed to be helping myself, yet it seems like everyone wants me to help them. How am I supposed to do that when I can't even help myself? This man tells me he doesn't care about me, calls me a bitch, tells me to fuck off, then goes and cries to my mother like a little bitch as if I'm the one doing everything wrong. I'm so tired of being treated like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe, then to have everyone going against me!

I am beyond stressed. I know it's not much to be stressed about but psychologically, I am not well. When I am not well, everything is huge even if it isn't to other people.
I just had to vent. Also, I'm sorry for all the swearing. It just felt right.


Hair Arm Eye Jaw Gesture

Filipe Oliveira
Jul 08 2012 08:16 AM

Hi there.
I completely understand your feelings.
You know what? I learned something good in life: Love yourself first! You cannot have people around you to love you and respect you if you don't love and respect yourself. I know it's more easier to say it than to do it but it's true.
My relationship with my father is... well, we do not have one. I tried to make him realize that the family is the most important thing but he had other opinion. He's living with someone else for few years now. He never cared about his real family.
Now, everyone (Me, my mother and brothers) are living their life without him as part of our life. He's now soffering and he realized how bad he was but... for us is too late.
You should look for a job yes. For the reason that your mind will not be concentrated on bad things.
A job helps your mind to have a break from the feelings you are having and in a short term, you will be able to think better, to have better feelings.
Just don't get a too stressed job, that will make things worst.
Hope this helps.

 
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