it is getting so hard
everything is too much
I understand nothing
I am conscious in a world I don't understand
I am scared
I have started having shortness of breath constant diaphragm breathing now
how am I existing, what is anything, everything is too stimulating
my head gets tight I get light headed I get dizzy get short of breath I fear death
I look into my mothers eyes and try to find meaning and sense humanity in her, and in others
I see a black pupil a colored eye, it doesn't make me feel she is human
looking in the mirror I can't see the humanity in myself
hands and feet so weird to me, 5 fingers and toes, just like animals I feel like an animal
...
I have had depersonalization at 15 first time
Went back to drugs when felt decent
At 17 what I thought was coke was meth
Floaters in vision, paranoia, fear, scary to look myself in mirror, depersonalized, closed eye visuals of eyes
Started going gym at 18 to better myself and no drug use since. Got completely better for few years but still had the thought of depersonalization with me
How are people not dropping dead when they hear what depersonalization is? How do people live in a world like this
22 after 5 years clean and being healthy get intrusive though of harming others
become scared, see therapist, suicidal thoughts though not wanting to commit suicide at all
OCD begins forming
take anti-anxiety med
boom ...
memory loss, side of vision movements, 1000 mile and hour intrusive thoughts, feel like goo, conspiracy paranoia, auditory/visual/closed eye hallucination, depersonalization
memory loss stop occurring, intrusive thoughts have calmed, paranoia has mostly let up, auditory/visual hallucination (corner of eye movements look and nothing is there) has let up mostly besides floaters I still fall for in fear, now new shortness of breath, dizziness, tightness of head, feeling like I will faint or die.
things have "mostly" let up from 5 month ago meds but not entirely... and depersonalization remains ...
everything is too much, every stimulation is too much. how is anything, anything. I am in a consciousness that I don't understand how I am here or how anything is even happening or why anything is even happening it is way too much
everything is too much
I understand nothing
I am conscious in a world I don't understand
I am scared
I have started having shortness of breath constant diaphragm breathing now
how am I existing, what is anything, everything is too stimulating
my head gets tight I get light headed I get dizzy get short of breath I fear death
I look into my mothers eyes and try to find meaning and sense humanity in her, and in others
I see a black pupil a colored eye, it doesn't make me feel she is human
looking in the mirror I can't see the humanity in myself
hands and feet so weird to me, 5 fingers and toes, just like animals I feel like an animal
...
I have had depersonalization at 15 first time
Went back to drugs when felt decent
At 17 what I thought was coke was meth
Floaters in vision, paranoia, fear, scary to look myself in mirror, depersonalized, closed eye visuals of eyes
Started going gym at 18 to better myself and no drug use since. Got completely better for few years but still had the thought of depersonalization with me
How are people not dropping dead when they hear what depersonalization is? How do people live in a world like this
22 after 5 years clean and being healthy get intrusive though of harming others
become scared, see therapist, suicidal thoughts though not wanting to commit suicide at all
OCD begins forming
take anti-anxiety med
boom ...
memory loss, side of vision movements, 1000 mile and hour intrusive thoughts, feel like goo, conspiracy paranoia, auditory/visual/closed eye hallucination, depersonalization
memory loss stop occurring, intrusive thoughts have calmed, paranoia has mostly let up, auditory/visual hallucination (corner of eye movements look and nothing is there) has let up mostly besides floaters I still fall for in fear, now new shortness of breath, dizziness, tightness of head, feeling like I will faint or die.
things have "mostly" let up from 5 month ago meds but not entirely... and depersonalization remains ...
everything is too much, every stimulation is too much. how is anything, anything. I am in a consciousness that I don't understand how I am here or how anything is even happening or why anything is even happening it is way too much
