I am new here, and I am very afraid of my disorder, I have

called it "stepping out" when it would get unbearable. I have just begun to discuss this with my counselor. We were focusing on my getting out alive from my situation. And not realizing to the depth of how trapped I am right now. Perhaps just saying the word depersonalization....will help me now begin to reconnect. I have been only willing to connect to my grandchildren, and to those I trust, and those are very few. It's been a very difficult road to this day. I have wanted to just disappear. And the fact that I chose food as my way to do that, now shows me that my path back has to also go through the food disorder. I was so controlled by my husband, even the foods we ate, and his long 8 year battle with his health issues, that I simply stopped existing other then to care for him, our business, our home. I can almost remember the day I let go...and found it so safe to be in the world of a depersonalized person. The pain goes away, the sorrw the disappointments, the fear of being hit, it all just simply exists in front of me like a movie. NOW I want to get back into the body I gave up....but...how...???????????????? This is very hard for me to even share this and I hope there are others here that recognize how vulnerable I am feeling. My husband has Borderline Personality disorder I believe, my counselor thinks so, and that mine developed in order to keep me safe in a very unsafe situation. Help me find myself....thanks..