[Guest]

called it "stepping out" when it would get unbearable. I have just begun to discuss this with my counselor. We were focusing on my getting out alive from my situation. And not realizing to the depth of how trapped I am right now. Perhaps just saying the word depersonalization....will help me now begin to reconnect. I have been only willing to connect to my grandchildren, and to those I trust, and those are very few. It's been a very difficult road to this day. I have wanted to just disappear. And the fact that I chose food as my way to do that, now shows me that my path back has to also go through the food disorder. I was so controlled by my husband, even the foods we ate, and his long 8 year battle with his health issues, that I simply stopped existing other then to care for him, our business, our home. I can almost remember the day I let go...and found it so safe to be in the world of a depersonalized person. The pain goes away, the sorrw the disappointments, the fear of being hit, it all just simply exists in front of me like a movie. NOW I want to get back into the body I gave up....but...how...???????????????? This is very hard for me to even share this and I hope there are others here that recognize how vulnerable I am feeling. My husband has Borderline Personality disorder I believe, my counselor thinks so, and that mine developed in order to keep me safe in a very unsafe situation. Help me find myself....thanks..

 

[Guest]

Hi Sunrise..and welcome. We are almost all here trying to find our way back to ourselves - each of us having left for different reasons and under different circumstances. But we all share that feeling of fright and the wanting to "go back". I believe that the therapists are right when they say that we leave ourselves to escape the pain. Are you still with your husband? If so, please consider your own safety above all else. I was once married to an angry, controlling man with a bad temper. I lived on egg shells for many years. I have since left him and moved on with my life. The ramifications of that union are still ongoing, however. Feeling and/or being trapped is the most rational reason for one to "escape" in any way that they can - if not physically, than mentally/emotionally.
There is help and you are not alone. Read Janine Bakers book "Unraveling" - it is wonderful. Be strong - and good luck..Willow

 

[Guest]

Thank you Willow...I have left him, and I actually had to do it while I was in that state of depersonalization. I had to rent a place, move money, and hire a lawyer and do it without him knowing and stopping me. He had gotten to the point where he thought I was completely broken, would do exactly what he said, not think of doing anything in opposition, while he planned his life and ignored any promises or hopes that I had. He had completely dominated every part of me, but one...my spirit. I had purchased a cemetary plot, and had begun that final path to another place. I wished to die, and almost wished he would shoot me or beat me to death. I made myself so weak and so ugly, and so sick that I hoped he would let me go. I was totally shocked when I decided I didn't really want to die, and in 5 days I turned my world around. He's still in shock...My family has been so good to me. But right now, I just know that I am ill, and have a long way to go....but at least, I have chosen a path I can see has been well travelled by others here...so it's possible!... I will check that book out! Thanks

 

[Guest]

Sunrise - Wow - good for you! You did all that and you think that you are "ill"...I think what you did took such incredible bravery and strength that you could NOT possibly have done it if you were truly "ill". Thank God he did not kill you- thank God you are still here and thank God for your supportive family. This IS a long road Sunrise, but you are a survivor and you are gonna be just fine from here on in (even if it doesn't feel like it). Stay in touch..Willow

 

[coco33]

Hi sunrise,

Glad you have joined the forum. I joined not so long ago and find it comforting to know that there are others going through the same situation and that i am not all alone . I hope you to find it comforting too. There are lots of friendly people here that you can talk to.

DP is very frightening and its a stuggle to get through but with the love and support from friends and family it can make it that much easier.

I am a christian so i will pray for you tonight. You have come through a lot and survived which proves that you are strong. Keep fighting it and dont let it win.

God bless
Hugs Coco