[Messed up brain]

Hi everyone!

I'm a 17-year-old girl from Finland and I would like to tell you my story, to give you guys support and maybe even get it to myself.

So first of all, when I was 13, my family found out that my brother had a schizophrenia. It was honestly too big deal for me, and so I ran away from my feelings, and tried to somehow just forget it or something. At the same time, I still felt the pain deep deep down. I was so worried about hearing voices and I all the time I felt like I'm not safe.

A year or two went. (I really don't remember that time clearly) Me and my brother were jogging together, then arrived at the yard of our house. We saw a police talking with our dad. My dad was very serious. I was so angry to my brother, Matias (the one who had the schizophrenia), I was sure that he had done something bad again. (I somehow hated him, or almost everyone of us, except for my parents and the siblings who didn't live at the home anymore.) Later that day my dad told our family that he had passed away. He had taken his own life. My life stopped right there. Or maybe even before that, knowing about the disease. But now that he was dead, I really had to stop feeling. I didn't even know that I stopped feeling, it just happened.

I thought that I don't even care about anything bad that happened, but the truth was that I was too weak and I still am too weak to handle all that. And the way that I found that out was that, really, not everybody feels like they are living in a "dreamworld", and not everybody feels disconnected with the world. Not everybody thinks how the hell the others are so stable with their lives. For 3-4 years I have just thought that "I am too tired", and not even noticed that something is wrong with me. This summer I got the first "very strong" DP. I don't know if you guys feel it sometimes so much stronger, but I do. Like everyday you feel like the world is not real and all, but sometimes it's like sooooo strong, I can't even describe it, but maybe you know what I mean. Also I feel like I am not me, and that my thoughts, face and voice, everything about me aren't mine. If i had to describe the feeling with one word, it's lost.

The most annoying thing in this is that like many others who suffer from DP, are worrying about schizophrenia, I worry that too...so much...

Anyway, I have got help from a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I am just hoping that one day they will know clearly why I am having this hell, and that way find a cure for me. The psychiatrist told me that she thinks that my brain hasn't progressed normally, because of the bad things that have happened to me, and running away from my feelings. For me it sounds logical.

If you have read this far, I hope you got some support from me. And thank you for reading my story! I wish we all will beat this hell someday!!

 

[106473]

Hey,

Sounds like you have been through a hell of a lot, sorry for your struggle.

Worrying about something you don't have is gonna stop you moving forward, I know why you are scared, but it isn't helping.

It's good you have treatment and in time, I hope you make real strides in recovery. Personally, I don't believe "brain hasn't progressed normally" line, i'd be more inline to say exactly what you already know, you had a lot to deal with, too much for any one that age, it will take time to process it all and work through it, IMO this is what DP was built for, kicking in to take away the intense suffering emotionally that you could not deal with at that time.

I would not carry the notion that your brain is any different than anyone else unless you can prove it. I'd just think of working through this, trying some different medications and unfortunately, you might have to go a step back to go forward, as a good psychologist will make you face up to all that pain.

I've nothing more to add but I know there is a good split on this website that come from a trauma background and I am sure they will be able to help more than I can....

Welcome

 

[Messed up brain]

Hi you! Thank you for your reply!

Yes I know that worrying about things I don't have is not going to help me, it only makes things worse. I am trying to understand that, and stop worrying. It will take time though.

I don't know about the "my brain hasn't progressed normally"either, it is just one possible thing that the psychiatrist is questioning, I'll see about that someday.

Yes, I think my psychologist is very good, and he is slowly making me face the things that made me like this.

I really hope I will find them.(trauma background)

But one thing I have wondered.. does smoking affect to the DP and DR? If it does, I think I need to quit smoking.

Thank you again for your reply, it's good to see that I am not alone.