[Mipmunk]

I have always been an intermittent DP sufferer in the past with various upsets/traumas in my life causing my DP to trigger off and for me to become an empty shell and lose my identity and sense of self. Each episode has lasted 4-7 weeks but has always gone. But this time I am losing hope. The last time I was DP free was 30 April, and it is now 5 August. I have now been in DP for just over 3 months. Admittedly it was severe and then stayed severe for quite a while, but then after a few weeks I started to get the lifts to bring me out of it, which I had hope for. I have been getting a bit better each day, but this seems to be going on and on and on, I don't feel like an empty shell like I did in the beginnings of this episode, I feel like a person again, but not me, I feel like I have a different identity, I look in the mirror, I recognize the face, but I don't feel like the person that is staring back at me. I try everything to try to reconnect, having a shower, changing my hair, changing my clothes in the hope that it will trigger off that click that will connect me to myself again. Oh I can take the dog out or watch TV or do the chores, but I feel foreign and alien. I don't feel like me at all, I feel like somebody else. At the beginning back in May I felt like an empty shell/nothing and I was petrified. That has past, but I feel like a person, but it isn't me, I don't have my full identity back, I try and watch the TV but it feels wrong, everything feels wrong and I feel wrong. I cry through pure frustration, I have tried to take my mind off of it, but I feel so alien. This is the longest time I have ever been DP'd and most of the time have remained positive that it will go, but the longer this goes on I am starting to feel despondent and beginning to think that it isn't going to go this time. I have run out of ideas, I really don't know what to do. I wish I could cut my head open and sort my brain out. I don't want to die, I just want my life and my proper identity and sense of self back, and I don't know how to get it. This episode is just going on and on and on.

I don't know what else to say. I just want to go to sleep, because when I sleep it isn't there.

Can anyone help or relate to this, any ideas on how to reconnect to myself. I just have Who am I in my head 24/7, I thought perhaps I have become obsessed with who I am, but I know in the past for many years, I have not been obsessed with who I am, and I know there is a "me" somewhere that isn't bothered about who I am. I just don't know where I have gone. I am on clonezapam everyday to calm my panic down and the clammy hands and palpitations.

I don't want much, just my life back.

Any ideas.
Help.

Mipmunk
x

 

[Sojourner]

Mipmunk,

Do you work at a job, go to school, have children, bf, husband?

 

[Mipmunk]

yes I have a husband, who is sick to the back teeth of it all. I feel like I am holding onto my job by my finger nails, I do the work but then get panic attacks and have to take a clonezapam. No children, couldn't even look after them if I can't look after myself....

Mip

 

[Sojourner]

Is your work very cerebral? Does it involve your becoming immersed in some subject, or are you dealing with people?

 

[Mipmunk]

I am a legal secretary, have been off yesterday and today with flu, back to work on Monday. Sometimes I can do the typing ok, but it is hard when I have to speak to people (my boss the other secretaries), cos when I talk I am not sure who is talking, I don't feel like me, so the voice speaking back to them is foreign, it makes me feel uncomfortable, I also feel less DP'd when I am at home. When at work I get more DP'd and feel trapped cos I know I can't go home.

I don't feel like the empty shell anymore, but then I don't feel like "me" I have some other sort of identity that isn't me???? (not more than one, I don't have multiple identities), I just don't feel like the girl looking at me in the mirror.

Mipmunk
xx

 

[jake]

Yeah I definitely understand all the fear you describe. I'm curious when ppl mention clonopin cuz I am on it too, how much do you take? I looked back in m papaers to see how long I had been on the dose of 1.5mg a day and it's been since mid-1999. July 25th I had an increase. The way I'm trying to look at it is this--I'm not worried about when I'll get off meds, I'm focusing on how to use solutions while I'm on these meds. In the 6 yrs I've been on that lower dose, I've had some incidents but nothing that feels like wha hit me about 3 month ago. I see my doc again late September. When she said I could increase, on the phone in Jul, she asked what if anything did Iknow thta triggered this intensity of symptoms, and I honestly don't know.
------------------
I just see this a s something I want to get over or through this time around. It has come up via fear, depersonalization, panic, phobias and I've managed my life by avoiding phobic feeling situations, however I see it all as intense fear and anxieiy, so slowly but surely I am gonna step by step get into the fears and hope this time around I will end up further down the road away from symptoms. I just am having faith but yes it's hard.

-----------------------
I'm looking at a pattern of coping I've used for along time and it is showing me I believe--it has worn out it's usefulness and is in my way of life. It has my attention but now I can't just roll on and not learn anything. Be gentle with your self yet know you are gonna get your self thru it, with help. Thats what I'm trying anyway. Best wishes, for real, I understand. Be around ppl too, I try to keep that up too though I feel terrified alot.
--jake

 

[Mipmunk]

It is like I am waiting for that final "click" to happen that will turn of the DP switch, I have been getting triggers clicking everything back into place, but I never seem to get that final trigger that clicks me back into "normal" mode, where I suddenly think "hooray Christmas is here, I a me again". I wait for that moment everyday.....

Mipmunk
x

 

[Sojourner]

Do you take the Cl. every day regardless of whether you are feeling bad?

Could you not take it one day and see if you feel better or perhaps switch to a different one that you could take only when needed?

In other words, it could well be the drug that's doing this. I don't think you should just ignore it. There are a lot of different things you could try. Have you talked to your doctor lately?

 

[Mipmunk]

I don't take the clonezapam/klonopin every day, I only take half a tablet when the DP feels really strong, it calms my mind and stops the panic.

Mipmunk
x

 

[Guest]

Mipmunk,

It sounds to me that you're extremely stressed out at the moment, which is probably one of the reasons for you feeling so despondent. You say that your husband tires of you bringing up your DP all the time. Isn't there anyone else who you could talk to about your problems; perhaps get some of them off your chest with? You should focus on a building a large social support network for yourself, in my opinion.

Forgive me if I'm getting ahead of myself here, but you keep saying about how you're an intermittent sufferer of DP, which, usually, is triggered by some form of loss or emotional trauma that you've been put through. The best way to avoid this is, I think, would be to create better coping mechanisms for youself, when placed in such situations. Maybe you should seek therapy regarding this.

My two cents.

 

[Mipmunk]

Thanx for your advice. I am seeing a man and am having CBT therapy to try and stop the triggers from going in the first place to learn coping mechanisms. The problem I have at the moment is how to get out of this DP episode before I can stop future DP episodes from happening. I need to get out of this DP episode first which I am having trouble with.

Mipmunk
x

 

[Sojourner]

Mip,

Maybe it would be helpful to talk about some of those traumas and life events in some depth in addition to doing the CBT.

Your residual DP is still defending you against unpleasant feelings, but talking about them and expressing them (if you can) can alleviate the pressure and there will be no need for DP.

Just a thought...

I hope you feel better soon!

 

[Sojourner]

Mip,

You've probably heard this before, but how about opening your heart to another sweet, loving, lonesome cat??????

I think that maybe you're in such pain because of what the cat and you went through and maybe that's the cause of the lingering DP. Is it a possibility?

I love cats so much! I miss my cats even today. They would go away to die (we lived in Florida, so they were indoor/outdoor cats) and I always just had to gradually accept that they were never coming back. Each day it was more definitive that Mergatroid was not coming home. I didn't know at first that he was gone, because he didn't leave a note.

So that learning gradually that a loved pet is gone is less traumatic than what happened to you and your precious little one.

 

[Sojourner]

Mip,

Set up two chairs facing each other.

You sit in one, with a notebook on your lap and a pen in your hand.

Place your precious cat in the other chair, facing you.

Tell her how you feel. Talk to her. Look at her right in the eye. Watch her listening to you. Note her expression (for those who know cats, this is indeed possible). Tell her everything you feel about her, loving her, losing her -- everything you want to say to her.

Then, when you are finished, wait for her to speak to you.

Listen closely to make sure you can hear the words she speaks.

Once you are sure you can hear her, write down what she says, word-for-word. If you need more time to write, just ask her to slow down and she will do so.

If you think she's finished at any point, just ask her if she has anything more to say. Keep doing that until she assures you that she's finished.

End your conversation with her in any way that seems appropriate at the time.