[M1k3y]

Like when am I gonna get better, it literally feels like I'll never get over this stuff, like honestly, the things I go through are so out of this world it's ridiculous, like if I even explain it y'all probly think it's ridiculous and it is, but like I was saying, I feel like I'll never get over this, like I'm so screwed up, and partially I feel like I'm so fucked up because of my personality traits, I feel like I analyze a lot of stuff and I'm always analyzing, like 24/7 and when I do this it really corrupted my mind and made my symptoms a 100 times worse
But going back, yeah I feel like ima be one of those guys who has this for 20 years and I hate to say that, I pray to god it's 5 years max but like for real, I don't know how that's gonna happen.. like I've done everything, I'm just living my life and I've legit been the same for the past 6 months and a half, maybe going on 7-8 months, I don't even know, but I'm starting to think I don't even have dp, i mean I don't get those weird thoughts people have, but I did get this illness from smoking weed 1 day, and I did google my symptoms and dp did pop up
But I don't know man, I did recover from this for 1 day, so maybe it is possible again, but like.. yeah, I just was my normal self for 1 day and just screwed it up the next, so maybe 1 day I'll be lucky again and over come this
I don't know man..
I'm just rambling, If i do become 1 of those guys who has this for 8 years, I think I'll just shoot myself, unless my conditions aren't that bad, but If I'm how I am right now 6 years later (currently 2 years and a half in this) yeah man I can't do that. I'm already coming off as weird, I don't want to be that weird guy so yeah
Anyways just rambling
Not trying to give a sob story, just letting some air out and right now it's 2 am and my brother is yelling at his video game, I really just want to take his head and slam it in a fucking door, this fucking medication is suppose to stop irrability but it ain't working rn lmao
Anyways
Have a goodnight y'all
Just getting things off my chest

 

[Pondererer]

I don't percieve you as the weirdo you describe. I just hear someone with DP symptoms.

I'm the exact same when it comes to the analyzing part. I try to motivate myself to become a productive member of society or whatever, but it's like my mind CANNOT accept life. I cannot accept the fact that most people hate or dislike their job. I cannot justify the fact that some people have it super easy, while others have to struggle everyday just to survive. It's on such a big scale that my own life don't even matter to me. I can be the most succesful person in the world and have all the things i want. But what the hell is it worth when endless amount of people have to suffer anyway....

IDK just rambling myself now. Point is my mind cannot accept the terms of life. Even if I myself have the greatest life, it just doesn't matter to me lol.

 

[Array]

My dp wore off after a few months as I stopped caring, but the existential depression lingers.

 

[M1k3y]

I don't percieve you as the weirdo you describe. I just hear someone with DP symptoms.

I'm the exact same when it comes to the analyzing part. I try to motivate myself to become a productive member of society or whatever, but it's like my mind CANNOT accept life. I cannot accept the fact that most people hate or dislike their job. I cannot justify the fact that some people have it super easy, while others have to struggle everyday just to survive. It's on such a big scale that my own life don't even matter to me. I can be the most succesful person in the world and have all the things i want. But what the hell is it worth when endless amount of people have to suffer anyway....

IDK just rambling myself now. Point is my mind cannot accept the terms of life. Even if I myself have the greatest life, it just doesn't matter to me lol.

i think thats a good trait, im kinda the same way, caring for others, kinda more then myself, i mean its like, they say the kindest people or the people who give the most r the most depressed and they help others cus they dont want them to feel that way, i mean i say its a good trait to care for others, but u have to care for urself to, i mean if people hate there job, thats on them, and if u work with people like that, i mean id just try to be a good friend towards them, maybe lighten up there day, or talk to them and if they say they want out of there job, maybe give them insight of a better job opportunity

i mean i work at a restaurant owned by my dad, and i have workers there that slave there ass off, and they want to do greater things, but there situation they really cant, having kids and bills to pay right now, and my dad, its not a bad thing, its more of a business owner mindset but he wants people to be lifers there, and when i talk to his workers who would like to be better and cant, i kinda tell them ways on how to get a better job in less time, i mean my dad would hate me trying to help them pursue something else cus he needs them desperately, but as a good friend i just wanna help them out, usually i just tell them what i did, and if i can do it with depersonalization and spazzing out every 3 seconds, they def can to

and its going to school for 3 months to be an ambulance driver,

being a cook, and a good 1, u make 30 grand a year if that.. gotta do the math but living in california, that aint shit, it might even be less then 30 grand, but the 3 months of school u can be an ambulance driver and make atleast 40 grand a year, and its a 2 days on 2 days off kinda job, u rack up like 48 hours a week and u get 3 days off from the week, but its a hard field cus u deal with peoples injuries and u never know what can happen, and if u decided to pursue it, u can go to school for another 3 to 6 months or even 9 and u can increase ur pay from like fifty to sixty or even 80 grand a year

i tell my co workers this

and i pursue my job right now cus im lucky to have a dad to own a business and maybe 1 day i can own my own, i have that oppurtunity

but yeah im rambling to rn lel

but just care for urself man, u got to, care for others as well, i know some people who dont give a fuck and just care for themselfs and thats it, thats a bad quality person in my opinion, but some r so oblivious that they dont know they only care for themselfs, kinda like my ex girlfriend, shes a good hearted person no doubt, but she was really about herself, and i would tell her this, maybe she didnt want to hear it but later in our relationship she actually started caring about others which is good, i mean for example, her parents went on a vacation for like a week, and as soon as they came back, she didnt ask if there vacation was good or anything like that, she actually just told them about her day at the mall which was retarded, but me i asked like how it was and cracked some jokes, i mean its what u should do when someone comes right back from a vacation especially if its ur parents? u know see if it was fun or anything, like she really didnt even care to ask lel, but later like i said she started caring which was good,

anyways idk, im just rambling, and i might not seem weird on here, in my mind i feel somewhat normal, in the real world im spazzing out a lot, very nervous, sucks cus this new girl i work with, shes kinda under age but shes cute, but i try to stay away from her cus im already kinda mentally ill and i dont want people to think im a creep like that.. but its been a couple of weeks and i guess its noticable that im weird around her cus im anxious and now she like avoids me cus im being really anxious around her, idk its dumb, i think i should just talk to her and maybe itll be normal instead of her thinking im a weirdo, anyways yeah thats my life lel

hope i helped in some ways, im just rambling