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Okay. When I had my first bad dissociative episode I deconstructed the concept of language in my mind and stopped understanding sentences and words and letters. It all seemed meaningless. The concept of tiny symbols representing sounds so we can communicate seems absurd. Every word I said sounded alien and wrong. Ever since then, whenever I derealize, I can switch on and off my ability to understand the concept of the English language or language/speech at all. I can still type, because one part of my brain is aware/accustomed to typing/getting my thoughts across. But another part has completely derealized the all concepts human language. It is kind of scary but I can just push it out as an intrusive thought.. Still scary though. The word "human" triggers it... It sounds so alien. So not real. Like some sci-fi story about a simulated alien planet, with little sentient beings whose lives are so intricate, but if you really think about it, it's fucking insane. Absurd. Unreal and equally as likely as any other reality and therefore meaningless. But then what do I mean? The fact that we just evolved from lower lifeforms and survived through millions of generations of life to form a society to become a populated planet with people living in little houses to form me, one teenage girl who was doing pretty good until she thought she didn't have proof that her reality existed. Why do I keep looking over my shoulder?? UUUGH. I hate this shit. Fuck marijuana and why do I keep smoking it? and will this quarantine ever end?
 

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The concepts you're talking about here are the fundamentals of linguistics! Language is entirely arbitrary, like most things in the world. There will never be a concrete language because there are no "real" things linking the sounds and symbols we use to represent something to the way it actually looks or sounds. This idea in combination with dpdr can be unsettling as HELL and I totally understand.

To cope with the arbitrariness of everything, I find comfort in existential nihilism. like "nothing really matters so why should i worry about it?". more like "we're all wasting time until we die and trying to make order in this world so why not just do things that feel good/are fun". It also makes it fun to just kind of make up words for things or assign words new meanings. (ex. when I get sad i tell my therapist that i get "all goopy" or when my s/o is being a fool i'll call him a donk or some other nonsense word). the sounds mean nothing so may as well put some sounds together that are fun !

Also, if it makes you feel any better, this takes like super high level thinking (which is a common trope in people with dpdr) and even though it sucks and makes everything confusing and you are so allowed/encouraged to complain about it and hate it, you can still know that you're intelligent ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
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