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It was a dark and stormy night. I, a child of 2, slept happily because I had not a worry in the world. And in a moment I did. My father crashed his truck and died. Now from the time I can remember I was always thinking about my father. No one really talked about him except for his parents and I was much too afraid to ask in fear of them getting upset. But I cherished those moments when they would show me photo albums and tell me how much I looked like him. My grandfather even kept his shoes and just getting a peek of them made me feel closer to what I had lost.
My problem was I was shy and kept everything in. Every time I got upset I would cry, think of my dad, then cry way more than I should have. The OCD came first. I used to do gymnastics and I remember coming back from a break and over this break I had developed the ritual of having to do things backwards. So I would do a cartwheel and think "How the hell do I do this backwards?". Sure those kids on Dance Moms can but I couldn't so I had to compromise which lead to different rituals.
What would OCD be without obsessions? CD I guess, but I don't think that's a thing. Anyway I was horrified of the rapture/apocalypse and to this day I still cant watch the news. When I decided to become and atheist there was a huge weight off my shoulders but that till didn't completely get rid of it. Now my obsession goes along with DP and being in a dream or not real.
Now for DP! All of this started at the same time. OCD/DP/Anxiety, around 8 I'd guess. My first memory of DP was always when recitals were coming up and practice was getting stressful the room that I had been so familiar with suddenly changed into an unfamiliar place. When I would go outside it would take some time for me to readjust but it went away. Then 6th grade came and a teacher asked me to hand out papers, I did but I felt a bit weird. Then when I sat back down it felt like I hadn't done it though I had the memory of doing it. Then I asked a friend if I had done it and she said I did. I went home thinking that was cool. It was so not cool.
Skip a few years and my DP became chronic after a trip to Disney World. Disney World ruined my life. I went to a few specialists who diagnosed me with syncope because DP is not well known and very hard to describe. Through my anxiety I was able to go to a counselor who was amazing. She was the first one to tell my about DP and think I had it. She was only a counselor and when I went to the psychiatrist she didn't believe it. I'm 18 now and finally have a doctor who believes me.


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Wendy
Oct 21 2014 01:06 PM

I'm glad you have a good doctor now. What you went through seems incredibly tough and I'm sorry you had to go through that. If I may ask, what happened at Disney World that ruined your life? Forgive me if I'm overstepping my boundaries with that, though.



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sadpenguin
Jan 06 2015 12:48 AM

You seem like such a strong beautiful girl, carrying the weight of dp, ocd, and anxiety on your shoulders is such a tough thing. You should take the time to notice the word around you and how strong you are at the fact that you are still here and and have chosen to be. I'm proud of you.

 
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