Like you, I have never been able to understand how I can feel so hopeless at the beginning of a day, and then perhaps by the end of that same day be out eating with friends. I had a year of solid depression where I hardly got off the couch or left my house. There were no good days. I did say to myself if I ever got back up from that kind of depression, I would never sink that deep again. That time I did not have doctor's or medicine to help me. Not to get the natives restless, but it was a spiritual moment for me that I believe finally brought me back.
I then had a period without derealization and it was wonderful. But every now and then depression would come back around. Somehow I got thru those epsiodes without letting it take over my life. Now the DR has returned for around 15 years and with it comes the days of depression. I have days when I wonder how long I can go on. Can I survive this internal agony another minute? And like I said on another post, some days I talk myself in to getting up and fighting it and some days I stay in bed and let it consume me. They are the awful days.
I wanted to write this so you would not feel alone. I wanted to say that on the bad days, please try to think at least this one positive thought...This will pass. If you can always allow yourself that thought of knowledge, of hope, you can at least make it thru the day.
You say your doctor is far away and you only have family. I am hoping your family is supportive. Is there one family member who can be there for you when you are at your worst? Would you be willing to call them and ask for help to get you thru that day? If so, then tell them that some times you may need them to be with you so you do not feel so alone. Do they have a number where you live that you can call when you are feeling that low? People who will stay on the phone with you until you feel more yourself? That would also be something you can think to do when you are feeling so terrible.
When you write something as strong as you are thinking of ending life, it becomes very important that someone on this site ask you to seek immediate medical attention. This is not a medical site and people here cannot help someone that have reached such a very serious place in their minds. That is the position, I think, of the people who run this site.
I hope one thing of what I have written will be of some help while you work your way back up.
I really do wish you, and all of us that have to battle depression, strength and hope.