[bethadryl]

i have done research, and i'm 99% sure that what my girlfriend is going through is definitely depersonalization/derealization. i tried to talk to her about it and she was stubborn about it, saying "no i don't have that." and admitted to me that sometimes she doesn't even feel like she has depression. which, in itself, is an entire other issue that she needs to deal with, but not the point right now.

i'm here to ask if
1. are these symptoms of dp/dr?
2. how do i help her if they are?

her symptoms seem to be as follow

• going through spells of feeling detached from everyone, her family and our friends
• feeling like she doesn't know me or our friends, or like she can't talk to them anymore
• feeling like it isn't her speaking when she talks, or like her words are coming from someone else
• not feeling like herself, and feeling numb and hopeless
• she also can't focus on anything, causing her to not be able to do any homework. this has been happening for weeks that she can't focus or motivate herself at all

i just desperately want to do something to try and help her. but we are long distance and both 17 years old. her mother is currently going through a breakup with her partner (they/them) who has been in her life for 7 years. my girlfriend is moving houses and dealing with them being suddenly shucked from her life, and i think her being depression and anxious is what's causing her to depersonalize. i read that it's a coping mechanism to distance yourself from the situation so you won't get hurt.

is there any way to make her feel real? is there any way to try and ground her? i will take quite literally any advice. i love her more than anything and i just want to know if there's anything i can do. thanks for reading

 

[Trith]

It's great that you want to help her, it sounds like she is in a bad situation indeed. The symptoms you are describing do seem to match with depersonalization, but it would be interesting to know why she disagrees, maybe she has good reasons? Honestly sometimes it can already be hard to recover when you know about DPDR and are actively trying to get cured, so my guess is that it could be very hard to help her if she doesn't acknowledge that this is what she has. But, just speaking from my own experience, I would say that if you show you are there for her and validate her experience (make an effort to understand her for example, or show that you value her decisions and opinions) it might help a little. Tell her you understand how she feels but that at the same time she looks normal to you. Or that even if sometimes she feels like she doesn't know you anymore you understand and won't be offended and will still be there for her, because feeling estranged from others can make one feel afraid of loosing people around them. Also offer to distract her from stress, ask her what she thinks you can do to help?
Perhaps her DP will pass when she is in a better situation, and the best you can do is just to support her as she is going through it?

 

[bethadryl]

It's great that you want to help her, it sounds like she is in a bad situation indeed. The symptoms you are describing do seem to match with depersonalization, but it would be interesting to know why she disagrees, maybe she has good reasons? Honestly sometimes it can already be hard to recover when you know about DPDR and are actively trying to get cured, so my guess is that it could be very hard to help her if she doesn't acknowledge that this is what she has. But, just speaking from my own experience, I would say that if you show you are there for her and validate her experience (make an effort to understand her for example, or show that you value her decisions and opinions) it might help a little. Tell her you understand how she feels but that at the same time she looks normal to you. Or that even if sometimes she feels like she doesn't know you anymore you understand and won't be offended and will still be there for her, because feeling estranged from others can make one feel afraid of loosing people around them. Also offer to distract her from stress, ask her what she thinks you can do to help?
Perhaps her DP will pass when she is in a better situation, and the best you can do is just to support her as she is going through it?

It's great that you want to help her, it sounds like she is in a bad situation indeed. The symptoms you are describing do seem to match with depersonalization, but it would be interesting to know why she disagrees, maybe she has good reasons? Honestly sometimes it can already be hard to recover when you know about DPDR and are actively trying to get cured, so my guess is that it could be very hard to help her if she doesn't acknowledge that this is what she has. But, just speaking from my own experience, I would say that if you show you are there for her and validate her experience (make an effort to understand her for example, or show that you value her decisions and opinions) it might help a little. Tell her you understand how she feels but that at the same time she looks normal to you. Or that even if sometimes she feels like she doesn't know you anymore you understand and won't be offended and will still be there for her, because feeling estranged from others can make one feel afraid of loosing people around them. Also offer to distract her from stress, ask her what she thinks you can do to help?
Perhaps her DP will pass when she is in a better situation, and the best you can do is just to support her as she is going through it?

thank you so much for replying seriously, i didn't think anyone would. also, i probably should of clarified that when i brought it up to her and she denied her feelings she said she "often feels like she doesn't even have depression" (which she does 100% have. she used to be on antidepressants, and used to have a really bad SH issue) but she has this thing where she doesn't believe she's capable of having mentall illnesses, or feels like she's just faking them for attention. multiple times she's said things to me or describes symptoms of very clear depression/anxiety or even dp/dr and will be like "everyone does that though lol" or undermine just how shitty it is. i do think this will mostly pass as her situation gets better. she actually just turned 18, today is her birthday (forgot to say in post because it JUST happened lol) and she plans to move out to my city as soon as possible. i think being away from her family will do her some serious good. (they suck. she's blinded by it, but all of our friends know they suck and they drive me insane with how they treat her) i will definitely try all these things. i think i tend to not ask her "how can i help you?" or "what can i do to help?" because she never knows what she needs or how to help herself. i may try to ask it this time though, so that if she truly doesn't know, maybe we can find out what she needs together

 

[bethadryl]

thank you so much for replying seriously, i didn't think anyone would. also, i probably should of clarified that when i brought it up to her and she denied her feelings she said she "often feels like she doesn't even have depression" (which she does 100% have. she used to be on antidepressants, and used to have a really bad SH issue) but she has this thing where she doesn't believe she's capable of having mentall illnesses, or feels like she's just faking them for attention. multiple times she's said things to me or describes symptoms of very clear depression/anxiety or even dp/dr and will be like "everyone does that though lol" or undermine just how shitty it is. i do think this will mostly pass as her situation gets better. she actually just turned 18, today is her birthday (forgot to say in post because it JUST happened lol) and she plans to move out to my city as soon as possible. i think being away from her family will do her some serious good. (they suck. she's blinded by it, but all of our friends know they suck and they drive me insane with how they treat her) i will definitely try all these things. i think i tend to not ask her "how can i help you?" or "what can i do to help?" because she never knows what she needs or how to help herself. i may try to ask it this time though, so that if she truly doesn't know, maybe we can find out what she needs together

just realized i repeated myself with the depression thing lmao. sorry been a long day💀

 

[ThoughtOnFire]

Sounds more like she has (I'm assuming) Adolescent Angst. She may just be in a stage of discovering who she is as a person. In my time here, "spells" of dissociation are in my opinion more rare than fully blown 24/7 depersonalization. Something to remember: this condition isn't about "feelings". It's more of an existential crisis. Trust me, if she had depersonalization//derealization then she would not brush off your unprofessional diagnosis by replying that she doesn't think that's what she has.

 

[Trith]

thank you so much for replying seriously, i didn't think anyone would. also, i probably should of clarified that when i brought it up to her and she denied her feelings she said she "often feels like she doesn't even have depression" (which she does 100% have. she used to be on antidepressants, and used to have a really bad SH issue) but she has this thing where she doesn't believe she's capable of having mentall illnesses, or feels like she's just faking them for attention. multiple times she's said things to me or describes symptoms of very clear depression/anxiety or even dp/dr and will be like "everyone does that though lol" or undermine just how shitty it is. i do think this will mostly pass as her situation gets better. she actually just turned 18, today is her birthday (forgot to say in post because it JUST happened lol) and she plans to move out to my city as soon as possible. i think being away from her family will do her some serious good. (they suck. she's blinded by it, but all of our friends know they suck and they drive me insane with how they treat her) i will definitely try all these things. i think i tend to not ask her "how can i help you?" or "what can i do to help?" because she never knows what she needs or how to help herself. i may try to ask it this time though, so that if she truly doesn't know, maybe we can find out what she needs together

It's also interesting because I have heard some other stories where people feel pressure to be what they are not, and are pushed to be in denial of parts of themselves. That's certainly the case for me. I have been diangosed with autism and adhd, and the need to conform, although very natural, can be energy draining. I have always tried to make myself become better, and I have refused for example that I have so bad social skills, and I am constantly trying to improve in a relatively obsessive way. But for some aspects I know I might never be like others and it is very hard to accept. But that has pushed me to also be in denial about some aspects of my personality. Just like I am a naturally easily angry person, for example, and at the same time I hate conflict and anger. Sometimes I fantasize myself as a very sociable person, and then I realize that in fact I am not, but I feel I can't accept it really, and I am in denial about it. It's the same with worrying, I tend to think I am not so anxious, but sometimes I realize that my obsessive thoughts about how to improve socially do sound like social anxiety too, but I also don't like being called anxious because the way therapists treat it often feels to me like just invalidation (because they don't seem to have anything to offer other than questionning "core beliefs", which doesn't seem to do much for me in general but it's another story). And social anxiety is just super frequent with adhd and autism. And I have the same with DPDR, where it's like I often can't be just present with my DR, I'd rather spend my time over-thinking about how to make DR (or other mental problems) disappear rather than living it a second. So it's like there are some things about me that maybe I just can't accept, and I prefer to fantasize myself as something different. I also feel I have some narcissistic traits sometimes, which are really about cultivating an artificially good self-image so as to compensate (suppress) a negative self-image on other things. So it's a lot of inner conflict and inner suppression, and not being able to be myself. Some people have also reported fear of being adult, which for me is a kind of impostor syndrom that also pushes you to perform beyond what you think you can, and put on a mask. So a lot of suppressing the natural and replacing it with a better artificial.
I have also had a lot conflicts with my mother as a child, she was very invalidating, and pushing me to deny things about myself, for her own benefit. Just like in this book (story of a women who recovers from DP), my mother was unsupportive and tried to deny parts of me, mainly my emotions and suffering at that time. Her parents are also in total denial of her illness, which reminded me of my own mother a lot. Like some parts of you are not alowed to exist, or there are some things about yourself you are not even allowed to say. From your friend's story, it seems that there might be a lot of stigma around mental illness in her family. If indeed she is in denial about some stuff (which I couldn't know), it might not help to force the information to her. Refusing something is maybe not simply a logical misunderstanding, it can be a protection mechanism because what is being refused is very difficult for personal reasons and because the environment makes it too difficult to go through. So I personally think the most important thing is to have a supportive environment, more than just trying to convince or force people to go a certain way. Very often we can be wrong about where they "should" go, and I believe things happen in a certain order for every people. But it's never a mistake to be emotionally supportive.
Personally my own constant struggle probably event prevented me from creating that supportive environment for myself.

 

[NoDevils]

That sounds exactly like DPDR. This board was made for someone to help their wife with depersonalization. I get very frustrated with people who won't admit they have problems but good luck to you. As non professionals we aren't supposed to diagnose people, and not even professionals are supposed to diagnose their loved ones. We of course can't help but identify when someone we care about is exhibiting traits of this or that, and this insight can be beneficial. Many professionals don't even know what depersonalization is and don't care about it.