How low is low?
How low can one woman feel?
Is it possible to feel lower than I do now?
Why are there so many questions and never any answers?
I wish that I could express what I am feeling.
It's numbness, in a way. Maybe lethargic. Maybe depressed. OOh the dreaded word. Depressed.
What is dression?
Is it an easy way out?
Is it not being able to cope with the changes life throws at you?
Is it drowning in your own tears? Tears of sorrow, or pain. Real or imagined. Can the pain ever go away. Will drugs help us deals with the pain or only numb it?
If that's the case, then I don't need drugs cause I'm as numb as they get.
The occassional tear will roll down my face. I don't know why. I just falls like a long forgotten feeling. Making itself known without causing a fuss.
Jesus knows why the tears fall. But he doesn't always fill me in. I try to stay close. I really do. I truly believe that the Lord is in my heart to stay. I feel though that I am missing something in the triumph. I am missing the fellowship. I try to get it from my church, but for some reasons I can't. I just don't feel it. I can tell that others get the feeling of belonging when they enter that church. I don't feel that. I've tried and tried. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm still relying on me and not the Lord. Dear Lord I give everything I have to you. I put my life in your hands. Only through you will I find true fulfillment and if that means that I must spend this life alone then so be it. I feel very alone right now Lord. I know that you are with me. I can feel you whenever I think a thought, or feel a feeling. But you know Lord how important it is for a human to have contact with another. That is why you made two.
I feel that I have failed in some way. Not because I can't find a man, but that I can't be happy with what I got. Anytime. Anywhere. I've been so many places and done so many things. I'm so much more fortunate that most and still I can't find that ellusive peace, that contentment, the happiness the seems just out of my grasp. I catch glimpses of every once in while. Sometimes it peeks around the corner and winks. Then it's gone again and I forgot what I was doing or feeling when it appeared.