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About three weeks ago I smoked some strong marijuana with my friend Addie. I was in my house, and comfortable.( I used to smoke frequently when i was younger but I've had anxiety problems previous so i didn't for awhile)..but anyway so I just felt like i'd be fine and wanted to get high, so I smoked like 7 big hits. I was happy and giggly for about 5 minutes, then all of a sudden the "world" started pulsing, i was very scared and I thought "oh no, not again" and then I really started freaking out. i was pacing back and forth, reality made NO sense and I was trying to think, but I couldnt, things kept repeating in my head and I was so scared and it hurt so bad. Reality was so scary and I KNEW there was no such thing as anything. after about 10 mins I could think slightly straight and realised I was having a bad high and I started texting myself messages so I'd remember never to smoke again and how I was feeling/what was going on. I also texted my boyfriend "think it was laced!!! that's what happened to me!!! lsd" and my friend Sarah " that's why we're scared of crazy ppl...running down the street bc they cant help it..." and my friend Haley;"thinking of a thousand things, tryinjg to answer all them.makes you like what?? too much things to answer not good for you lol.makes you feel like shit.hurts" And I was so SAD at the fact that noone would be able to understand what was going on/how i felt. I literally think I WENT crazy, and came back. Like, i was pacing around my house, thinking someone "crazy" was gonna come in my house and hurt me,and that I wouldn't be able to defend myself bc I was crazy,too...I thought about getting a knife but i was scared i'd hurt myself so I locked myself in my room and tried to sleep,couldn't, too many thoughts, so i laid there all night thinking and being exhausted. it was so terrible I cant even explain, it was so scary.

The next morning I felt so relieved that it mostly passed, but i felt disconnected and tired and just laid on my couch all day.

now, about 3 weeks later, I feel like reality is still kinda confusing and I don't feel like i'm really here. Like I understand there is a reality I guess, and I can act fine and normal..and when friends are around I forget, and feel myself and normal..

but when i'm alone i hate it bc i just know there's something wrong w me and that normal people dont feel disconnected from themselves and reality like this... it really sucks :( i'm just sad and wanna be normal...
 
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