when i think im getting better everythging just comes back and i dont anymore know what im doing. then i get confused. why nothging ever works. only if i try so hard... then i can attain some state. which is not good but much better than this dead state. this state where i am not doing anything than sitting here and thinkin when this hell stops. i dont anymore know who i am. i dont know who i should be.. mmaybe human but what it means?? memory is gone. i know this maybe never ending. because really here is no growing. and i find myself over and over again this hell. i dont know what this is and why i need to suffer so much! life scares me. im at war with myself. but i cant fix it. im so deeply here. i feel im living in dream and i cant anymore tell whats reality. everything is like dream. i cant wake up anymore. i dont believe this can be fixed by meds because this is trauma.. it is something what i need to do. now i have started seeing pictures and visions about my past. i feel pressure in my head. i feel im pushing something. i cant relax. i feel i gona explode. when i close my eyes i start see all crazy things... so awful and painful and scary. i feel possessed. i feel demons have poisoned me... they talk to me. they control me. i cant do anything. they destroy me. im starting work soon and i was wishing having good time there but not anymore. it has changed now even more painful... how can i go to work like this. how can i wake up early when i sleep so long. how can i meet other people when i dont have any connection to them. i live in dream world where i dont care about anything. eveything seems so distant. one thing i find good is this not caring because then i dont need care about bad things in life. and i dont need feel. i feel that i dont even want to be human anymore. it feels too much. i feel im baby. no power. no self control. only resistance. because its not fair that i cant feel my own soul. everything is fucking controlled. im manipulated killed this is fcking so unfair and i dont even know anymore. i dont know what i shoukd do. im numb. so numb.