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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When I'm not in panic and Dp-ing I try not to conjure the sensations back up; however I was thinking how I treat myself during an "episode" and wonder if anybody does this too. I first get scared, then angry, but there seems no place to "go" with the anger. I haven't read Jannine's book but from what I gather she breaks it down like our unconcious is really trying to tell us something during an "attack", or, maybe more accurate to say, we are feeling something first, then the DP kicks in to snuff out the original feeling-- so that it stays undetected and therefore can't be solved or understood.
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I wouldn't treat a stranger or even an enemy the way I treat myself during a fear episode. But the observer in me observes a scared part who is screwing with my life and I then I am angry. But it's all the same person--me, right? So I end up angry at me. If I objectify DP and see it as a "force" and not as part of me really, then I have an enemy to be mad at, a "thing". But I'm the one feeling the stuff so it's civil war. Shit.

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In the 90's there was a big surge of writers, counselors, suggesting that the neglected wounded child within was creating all the upset and that the capable "me" needed to pay attention to the child within. I remember doing a guided imagery thing back then and we were supposed to envision our adult self approaching our child self and asking "what's up?"..

The first time I tried I saw me about age six on some swings. I wanted to knock the kid off the swing. Nice huh? Later I was able to see a bit younger "me" just playing in dirt. I approached and was only really allowed to sit near--but not too near--and there was no conversation. The guy at this treatment center said that was an improvement. Their point was that we as adults are being aggravated to death and obstacles are thrown in our way b/cuz we have not acknowledged our wounded self or younger self.
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I wasn't really able to make use of this place deep down back then. I wanted to, but the cynic in me kind of thought it was hokey. Lots of times I think my anxious, panic response to things is just a really bad habit that I can break. When it happens again it feels too big to be a mere habit.
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I wonder if any of you guys go back and forth about having intense anxiety and this stuff in your life, and on the one hand hope if I don't feed it it will go away----then start thinking I'd like to get to the bottom of it though, for a more permanent solution. I am in a real back and forth place right now. Medicine has calmed me down enough to even start talking about "IT" objectively here lately. While I am calm like this I'd like to make the best of the time.
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Anybody out there who is starting to suspect that the real habit is self hating and that when put in stress or in a previous Dp/panic/ trigger place, the hating comes to the surface bigger? But that it's really always there low level and that if I don't fix that I'll keep being ambushed by this god damned Dp and panic?
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you got it!

i don't think it's just self hate though. I think it's also this: you want to be something that you're not, often to win the admiration of others. you hate yourself because you keep failing in this scheme to be that other thing. when you stop trying to be what you think will win you the hearts of others, it is easier to be more loving toward yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi and thanks for replying. I am trying to let your theory soak in about the false self and feeling of failure at not winning the hearts of others..I almost immediately see it in my past relationship, and my attraction to a certain kind of woman. Thankfully I am restored the power of choice, to not keep getting involved with this "type"--however I am making note b/cuz the attraction factor is still there.
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It is a woman who on the outsides is very capable, intelligent and independent, has her own home, interests, etc..and as I come to find out is very angry and feels helpless on the inside. Since I am also very independent I know water seeks it's own level, so I am ok understanding that part.
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I am introspective and tend toward depresson and anxiety, although I am also fun and stuff like that. The women I end up feeling "don't GET me" have had some "bad" experiences but want to leave it all behind. But it doesn't stay behind, if ya get my drift. I have red flags from Jump that I don't even know if I like her--!? --yet feel "drawn" to her, etc. Ends up she tells me I am too broken or not successful enough, blah blah...I cry and want to keep proving my worth---and also my savior complex wants her to be vulnerable instead of emotionally abusive, since then at least I can save her or make her go tho therapy...ahhhh
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Well anyway this proving to someone else I am worthy..
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I dunno if I am trying to be someone else to win their heart, but I see I must know and accept me not spend time trying to get someone else to do it..and especially picking women who have made comments already (sarcastically) about people with "issues", then their issues are flying out all over the place, but they keep their jobs! So I feel less than. And their jobs btw are always high stress, and their upbringing is always a "cut above" to say the least materially anyway, to mine.
 
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