G
Guest
·This will be long, but I really really need help so if someone here can be patient with me and respond... Thank you so much.
A little background first: I'm 28 yo female, about to graduate from political science and philosophy with a 3.8 GPA (I say that to show I must have a head on my shoulders even though most of the time I don?t believe it). In the last two months everything has been surreal. I?ve had periods like this before, but this is the worse time ever. I've had to drop all my classes except one, on medical advice. I switch from suicidal to obsessive about theory. I've done a psychoanalysis for the last 6 years. I've seen 3 different doctors in the past 8, no anti-depressant has gotten rid of the suicidal thought, or been able to slow down my thinking. I did research on depersonalization 2 days ago. My head has been spinning with all the information since. I feel like I'm this close to "loosing it".
For about the last ten years I've had "something". I could never put my finger on it or explain it to doctors. Sometimes it was great, sometimes it was horrible. I never knew when the "switch" would happen (let me define switch as the feeling that your thought process is shifting into a different mode...very hard to explain). I've heard of bipolar disorder or "manic-depressive", but the switches in mood I have occur on a daily, often hourly basis. It happens often when people are talking to me, where I drift away and miss half the conversation. Or I'm somewhere and I don't remember how I got there, or forgot what I needed. If I have to speak in public I feel I'm not actually there, I'm surprised that I was able to speak. I am compulsive in many aspects of my life but it doesn?t seem to be the same kind of compulsiveness described during a manic episode.
It started when I was 17 and my parents separated. I came home one day and something was odd in the house. A table was missing here, a sofa was missing there. I thought that maybe my mother had been doing spring cleaning or something. I went in each room and in most it was more bare. On the kitchen table there were credit cards cut in pieces. I remember it just like a movie, sitting down and thinking what to do. For me, the thing that stood out from all the rest in the psychiatric definition of depersonalization is the feeling of "being in a movie". I must have said exactly that a hundred times in the last 10 years.
I became anorexic when my mother left. Finally I could control what I ate and become slim. I remember thinking that. I was convinced my mother's only goal was for me to get fat. I weighed 140 pounds at 17, at 28 I weigh 30 less. We had, as I remember them, such huge servings of home cooked meals. When she made brownies, she cut the 8x8 pan in four and we each had a piece. Except her. She never ate with us. I have no recollection of my mother ever sitting at the table with me and my dad to eat though I realise it is impossible she never did. I understand that eating disorders are a "caused" disorder that I probably developed because my mother, surely, was obsessive about her weight too. It's something I fight against every day now.
There are many things that I have no recollection of. A year later I ran away from home. I ended up, as a minor, in an escort agency. Although it was not so long ago those years are very hard to recall. I've blocked out whole years from my memory. The year my parents got divorced I had a flash back of a sexual abuse incident. I was alone in the car with my dad and I felt uncomfortable and I remember thinking to myself "why am I uncomfortable with my dad". And then it all came back to me. The details of the room, the exact sequence of events, actors, one of my relatives and myself. Could this be the sexual abuse concept that would trigger depersonalization?
I ended up working as an escort for maybe two years off and on. Throughout that time I still went to school. I was prescribed anti-depressants. I had panic attacks on a regular basis. The most surreal experience one can ever have. Everything is in slow-motion. I had two suicide attempts while on anti-depressants. I quit university back then, about 6 years ago. My friend told me about psychoanalysis for help. I followed her advice.
I use words like "I feel like a witness", "I understand differently", "I can't show this to the outside world", "I'm crazy", "How do I know what is real". I feel "crazy" in many ways. I think I'm crazy for thinking ?how am I writing these words?". Like, the "idea" of being able to write, to see, to think is too big for my mind to process. I often find myself wondering how all of it is possible...if that makes any sense! I think I'm crazy because I keep thinking that "I see things differently", that I understand situations outside the situation, as though I was watching the world like a movie, that this is somehow a talent. I?ve been told by many professors that I have a very objective way of doing research by always focussing on both sides of the available material and have what it takes to pursue theory further. I think I'm crazy because I often dissagree that I'm good at anything, or that I actually deserve the grades I get. I don't know what is true anymore, in the world, television, news papers, politicians, ideology, religion. I obsess over political theory and philosophy while everyone else is busy living their life. I feel like time has stopped and I'm stuck in a parallel zone. I think I'm crazy because I recently decided to return to the escort world "on a quest to find the answer as to why I was there in the first place" as I told my psychoanalyst. I have been out of that world completely for the last 4 years. Now I feel more outside myself than I ever have. Certainly doing this work contributes to the two-sides-of-me dynamics. My therapist is aware that this is a dangerous time for me right now.
At the same time, and this again relates to the definition of depersonalization, I know I'm not actually crazy, this is not a psychosis, I'm just allowing my mind to drift away and this is actually controllable if I understand the "cause". Most of the time I?m able to be fully functional and productive. I know I am really there, and that reality really exists. But right now it's hard to switch back to that mode full-time. I always have a front, few people have a clue that I?m this way. That's one of the main reasons this is so difficult. For instance, no one in my family knows about the sexual abuse or the prostitution later on. I even have myself fooled sometimes. Maybe I dreamed up the abuse. What scares me most is that I also know there?s a fine line between sanity and insanity. I'm affraid I am crossing it now.
I hope this was not too long, and that I didn't loose everyone at the first paragraph... This is the first time I explain how I feel. I'm really worried about myself. I'm currently on another type of anti-depressant that my doctor wanted to try. I feel no affect after 3 month. I see him on Friday. I and want to know if I'm just reading myself in psychology case studies or I actually may have this disorder before I speak to him about it.
Thanks
Nancy
A little background first: I'm 28 yo female, about to graduate from political science and philosophy with a 3.8 GPA (I say that to show I must have a head on my shoulders even though most of the time I don?t believe it). In the last two months everything has been surreal. I?ve had periods like this before, but this is the worse time ever. I've had to drop all my classes except one, on medical advice. I switch from suicidal to obsessive about theory. I've done a psychoanalysis for the last 6 years. I've seen 3 different doctors in the past 8, no anti-depressant has gotten rid of the suicidal thought, or been able to slow down my thinking. I did research on depersonalization 2 days ago. My head has been spinning with all the information since. I feel like I'm this close to "loosing it".
For about the last ten years I've had "something". I could never put my finger on it or explain it to doctors. Sometimes it was great, sometimes it was horrible. I never knew when the "switch" would happen (let me define switch as the feeling that your thought process is shifting into a different mode...very hard to explain). I've heard of bipolar disorder or "manic-depressive", but the switches in mood I have occur on a daily, often hourly basis. It happens often when people are talking to me, where I drift away and miss half the conversation. Or I'm somewhere and I don't remember how I got there, or forgot what I needed. If I have to speak in public I feel I'm not actually there, I'm surprised that I was able to speak. I am compulsive in many aspects of my life but it doesn?t seem to be the same kind of compulsiveness described during a manic episode.
It started when I was 17 and my parents separated. I came home one day and something was odd in the house. A table was missing here, a sofa was missing there. I thought that maybe my mother had been doing spring cleaning or something. I went in each room and in most it was more bare. On the kitchen table there were credit cards cut in pieces. I remember it just like a movie, sitting down and thinking what to do. For me, the thing that stood out from all the rest in the psychiatric definition of depersonalization is the feeling of "being in a movie". I must have said exactly that a hundred times in the last 10 years.
I became anorexic when my mother left. Finally I could control what I ate and become slim. I remember thinking that. I was convinced my mother's only goal was for me to get fat. I weighed 140 pounds at 17, at 28 I weigh 30 less. We had, as I remember them, such huge servings of home cooked meals. When she made brownies, she cut the 8x8 pan in four and we each had a piece. Except her. She never ate with us. I have no recollection of my mother ever sitting at the table with me and my dad to eat though I realise it is impossible she never did. I understand that eating disorders are a "caused" disorder that I probably developed because my mother, surely, was obsessive about her weight too. It's something I fight against every day now.
There are many things that I have no recollection of. A year later I ran away from home. I ended up, as a minor, in an escort agency. Although it was not so long ago those years are very hard to recall. I've blocked out whole years from my memory. The year my parents got divorced I had a flash back of a sexual abuse incident. I was alone in the car with my dad and I felt uncomfortable and I remember thinking to myself "why am I uncomfortable with my dad". And then it all came back to me. The details of the room, the exact sequence of events, actors, one of my relatives and myself. Could this be the sexual abuse concept that would trigger depersonalization?
I ended up working as an escort for maybe two years off and on. Throughout that time I still went to school. I was prescribed anti-depressants. I had panic attacks on a regular basis. The most surreal experience one can ever have. Everything is in slow-motion. I had two suicide attempts while on anti-depressants. I quit university back then, about 6 years ago. My friend told me about psychoanalysis for help. I followed her advice.
I use words like "I feel like a witness", "I understand differently", "I can't show this to the outside world", "I'm crazy", "How do I know what is real". I feel "crazy" in many ways. I think I'm crazy for thinking ?how am I writing these words?". Like, the "idea" of being able to write, to see, to think is too big for my mind to process. I often find myself wondering how all of it is possible...if that makes any sense! I think I'm crazy because I keep thinking that "I see things differently", that I understand situations outside the situation, as though I was watching the world like a movie, that this is somehow a talent. I?ve been told by many professors that I have a very objective way of doing research by always focussing on both sides of the available material and have what it takes to pursue theory further. I think I'm crazy because I often dissagree that I'm good at anything, or that I actually deserve the grades I get. I don't know what is true anymore, in the world, television, news papers, politicians, ideology, religion. I obsess over political theory and philosophy while everyone else is busy living their life. I feel like time has stopped and I'm stuck in a parallel zone. I think I'm crazy because I recently decided to return to the escort world "on a quest to find the answer as to why I was there in the first place" as I told my psychoanalyst. I have been out of that world completely for the last 4 years. Now I feel more outside myself than I ever have. Certainly doing this work contributes to the two-sides-of-me dynamics. My therapist is aware that this is a dangerous time for me right now.
At the same time, and this again relates to the definition of depersonalization, I know I'm not actually crazy, this is not a psychosis, I'm just allowing my mind to drift away and this is actually controllable if I understand the "cause". Most of the time I?m able to be fully functional and productive. I know I am really there, and that reality really exists. But right now it's hard to switch back to that mode full-time. I always have a front, few people have a clue that I?m this way. That's one of the main reasons this is so difficult. For instance, no one in my family knows about the sexual abuse or the prostitution later on. I even have myself fooled sometimes. Maybe I dreamed up the abuse. What scares me most is that I also know there?s a fine line between sanity and insanity. I'm affraid I am crossing it now.
I hope this was not too long, and that I didn't loose everyone at the first paragraph... This is the first time I explain how I feel. I'm really worried about myself. I'm currently on another type of anti-depressant that my doctor wanted to try. I feel no affect after 3 month. I see him on Friday. I and want to know if I'm just reading myself in psychology case studies or I actually may have this disorder before I speak to him about it.
Thanks
Nancy
It makes me so sad.
