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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,

I hope non of you feels this way now, but I was hoping for an advice for my own struggles.

Even though I've gotten better the past few years, it's still too hard, and in the last couple of days I've been more dangerously playing with the idea of killing myself in some way or another (full disclosure I tried doing it before also because of the dpdr, but the dissociation got the better of me, and I couldn't finish the job). I've recently came to the realization that therapy isn't the answer for me, after some failed and painful relationships with former therapists, and a very fun staying in a psych ward I wouldn't recommend on staying, and I feel more hopeless then ever, my dpdr is from childhood trauma and maybe even some traumas that accumulated since I was diagnosed with it (about 3 years ago), I'm taking Venlafaxine for about a year now, but I want to stop, as I see it because my problems stand from cptsd (that childhood trauma part) I think that I'll get better once I'll have a safe environment i.e people who care about me and want me here, who I can trust on (sorry that it's one sided, it's just that my emotions are gone, but assume I'll reciprocate those feelings once I'll be able to) and be authentic and open around, I just need a hug man.

I'd really appreciate any support or advice about what to do, you can share your stories or anything you want it'll be nice to hear again from people who can really understand what it's like.

On a more personal note:

I haven't been in this forum for a while now, because honestly it's way too triggering for me, and just looking at the headlines of some of these posts makes my brain fog and dissociation worse, but this community once saved my life and even though it hurts, I would never forget it, and I just wanted to say that I genuinely and whole heartedly love each and every one of you here (as much as my emotionally numbed heart can) and I admire your strength and ability to still go on and survive every single day despite it all <3

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the only advice i could give for the suicidality is, you dont know these follow things:

1. you dont know how your life will develop and where you will be in 10 years. i think, with your current mindset, it will stay like now. so you know, where to do the work. do not think through the dp-window. its possible to have a life with dp. but it requires a lot of self work, i think. and let alone the possibility of going better of symptoms and recovery. there are a fuckton of spontaneous recovery stories after decades.

2. you dont know that thing, that will finally help you. you cant really try everything. most people who says here „i tried everything" lies the fuck. you cannot try everything, there is too much shit. and at least one of them will work for you. so you have to seek. it could be medication, supplements, a kind of therapy or maybe tms. and i just say it again. there are too much things to try. you couldnt try in a single life everything. because with the most things you have to persist for a good time lets say at least 3 months. your life would go over until you could complete „everything".

3. you dont know, if your life will ends soon without you need doing it yourself. you could become seriously ill, maybe a hard cancer or something. and then, if you are really tired of dp, you can look forward for your death. it could be also a kind of accident.

4. you dont know, if there will be developed a serious treatment for dp. maybe in 30 years. but in my case, i would be 57 years old after 30 years. and fuck that man. i could live a bad granny life. sitting on a blackjack table with a bottle of whiskey. another thing is, you have to work for a good position of life, when the treatment would be developed. no dp doesnt mean great life. i did it once to overcame my dp fully. but my life was still not the greatest. and some of those factors brought me to a severe relapse.

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I had episodic major depressions since I was 17. The depressions reoccurred about every 8 years on average. They were epic struggles for survival.

I would go down for 6 months, lose my ability to sleep, lose 15% of my body weight, be unable to bathe or care for myself. I felt profound hopelessness

and was suicidal. At the bottom, I was probably too sick to kill myself. After hitting bottom and having a mental meltdown, I would claw my way back up over a period of 18 months. So, in 40 years of my adult

life, I spent about 20% of my time actively battling a serious mental illness. If I had known my illness was cyclical, I might have killed myself at age 17 and

not regretted it. But, I saw myself as an innocent kid who didn't deserve what was happening. I didn't understand what had happened to me. I had a lot of life to live. I hadn't even had sex by then. I battled

my anxiety and insomnia without medical help, and my youth carried the day. Successive episodes would see me hospitalized twice, I suffered 4 more episodes

very similar to the first. Long story short, I solved the riddle of the trauma that initiated my depressive illness. I was suffering from a rare epileptic syndrome which

was said to be difficult to diagnose. My illness began with a powerful temporal lobe seizure. A British Neurological Journal said this: "The worst case scenario is when "the post ictal psychosis segues into an affective disorder of major depression or bipolar disorder."".

I was a worse case scenario. With that information, I had a neurologist administer and evaluate my MRI and EEG. My self diagnosis was confirmed. My EEG indicated I had a history of epileptic seizure. My "panic attacks" were actually focal temporal lobe seizures.

From there, I was able to research all of my symptoms and put my life in focus. It was very empowering after having lived in survival mode for so long.

I had ECT in 2014 and it caused a fundamental shift in my brain function. I was able to discontinue SSRiS and other adjunct psych meds I had taken for 25 years.

My success was a long shot, but I earned it. I don't know how I might convince you that I know where the bottom of the pit is. I've been there more than once. If I had taken my own life, I could forgive myself

for doing so. But, I didn't and my life improved significantly due to my own self advocacy and research. I have another 12.5 years of life expectancy. Probably less since I have had 5X bypasses and the wear and tear

on my mind and body due to those depressive episodes. No matter. I'll live it to the best of my ability and deal with death when it gets here. I could also say that everything I achieved in life, I owe to my illness.

I never intended to work as hard in life as I had to, in order to conceal my illness and lead a relatively normal (in outward appearance) life. Good luck.
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