How do you view and reason how DPDR has affected you? Has it taught you anything about life? Did it build a life philosophy for you?
Maybe I make this thread because I'm no longer disturbed about my symptoms since discovering it has a name, and that it wasn't just my personality since I turned 9 years old. I am disappointed and pissed at people. Don't presently feel how/like I should. However, I can't undo that I've seen trauma. I'm impressed how my brain tried to protect me cuz I always thought myself a coward. Life is unpredictable, and DPDR ultimately helped me realize that relating to my situations. I was naïve before and long after onset.
My biggest regret is 2/3 of my life falling to developmental plunder. Thru DPDR I let people tell me I was bad for lack of a better explanation, which also taught me a bit about people. Had I found out I wasn't to blame sooner I would've spared myself a lot of suffering. The consolation is vindication. How I behaved was actually explainable! I did the best I could, and managed to survive. Of course I think in a different situation I would have perished, but I survived my specific environment. It counts. Anyway I'm not a huge supporter of our species and life in general, but I really can appreciate the body's fortitude to adapt to threats to one's life.
As for symptoms the worst of it personally is the chronic sub/unconscious avoidance of overstimulation. I know I need to get things done, but it gets frozen out so I stop thinking of myself at all. It accompanies the deadened, hazy lag that just follows me and causes troubling interactions and performance - or hallucinations depending on stress levels.
On the contrary, there are times chronic avoidance fails for too long, and I'm too close to the present. There the dissociation rebounds in on of two ways: maxing out my senses rendering me seemingly drunken from over-exposure, or covering me in a combative energy where my instincts are volatilely trained on everyone around me. The former is more severe, but feels incredible compared to the agony it removes me from. The latter is fight mode where I feel neither fear nor pain. Just dangerous anger and the sudden pleasure to be triggered by others just so I can 'educate' them about me. That could be ptsd, but I leave the immediate experience just the same. It's technically the safest I ever feel in my body.
I'm intrigued by the disorder, but I want a better relationship with the present. Not for health's sake. I'm just obsessed with power and moderation after intense victimization. I want to do whatever it takes to get satisfaction out of life, cuz I've missed out on so much. Make enemies, allies, develop hobbies and skills to assert them over my circumstances. Make myself an ideal movie character. I walk the line between health and self-sabotage, but somehow I'm ok with it.
Maybe I make this thread because I'm no longer disturbed about my symptoms since discovering it has a name, and that it wasn't just my personality since I turned 9 years old. I am disappointed and pissed at people. Don't presently feel how/like I should. However, I can't undo that I've seen trauma. I'm impressed how my brain tried to protect me cuz I always thought myself a coward. Life is unpredictable, and DPDR ultimately helped me realize that relating to my situations. I was naïve before and long after onset.
My biggest regret is 2/3 of my life falling to developmental plunder. Thru DPDR I let people tell me I was bad for lack of a better explanation, which also taught me a bit about people. Had I found out I wasn't to blame sooner I would've spared myself a lot of suffering. The consolation is vindication. How I behaved was actually explainable! I did the best I could, and managed to survive. Of course I think in a different situation I would have perished, but I survived my specific environment. It counts. Anyway I'm not a huge supporter of our species and life in general, but I really can appreciate the body's fortitude to adapt to threats to one's life.
As for symptoms the worst of it personally is the chronic sub/unconscious avoidance of overstimulation. I know I need to get things done, but it gets frozen out so I stop thinking of myself at all. It accompanies the deadened, hazy lag that just follows me and causes troubling interactions and performance - or hallucinations depending on stress levels.
On the contrary, there are times chronic avoidance fails for too long, and I'm too close to the present. There the dissociation rebounds in on of two ways: maxing out my senses rendering me seemingly drunken from over-exposure, or covering me in a combative energy where my instincts are volatilely trained on everyone around me. The former is more severe, but feels incredible compared to the agony it removes me from. The latter is fight mode where I feel neither fear nor pain. Just dangerous anger and the sudden pleasure to be triggered by others just so I can 'educate' them about me. That could be ptsd, but I leave the immediate experience just the same. It's technically the safest I ever feel in my body.
I'm intrigued by the disorder, but I want a better relationship with the present. Not for health's sake. I'm just obsessed with power and moderation after intense victimization. I want to do whatever it takes to get satisfaction out of life, cuz I've missed out on so much. Make enemies, allies, develop hobbies and skills to assert them over my circumstances. Make myself an ideal movie character. I walk the line between health and self-sabotage, but somehow I'm ok with it.
